Female Aspies: Attracting abusive relationships

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One of my ex boyfriends was abused by his ex girlfriend and he couldn't prove it in court. She always had a reason for every mark she left on his body he would show to the judge. One of them be "I was defending myself" and he always took her side because she is a woman. She even raped him too in his sleep and she got away with it because she is a woman and lot of people still have the concept that men can't be raped. I even wondered how he got raped when he was bigger and stronger than her and he told me the pills he was on for his back, the side effect of it made him a deep sleeper so he slept through her being on top of him having sex. Then he happened to wake up one night and caught her on top of him and he pushed her off. But it kept happening after that because he always woke up in a wet bed. He was a bed wetter due to his medical condition and she always took his diaper off and wouldn't put it back on. She was a very good manipulator and he told me all it takes is to be a woman and lie to the judge and he believes her because she is a woman. He had to learn to play her games too in court by trying to turn it around on her. For one, he took the lie detector test to prove he did not rape her daughter. He also brought his medical papers to court about his back condition and he made his ex sound look like an ass because she was trying to convince everyone he loves his diapers and likes wearing them.


But yet I heard a story from my husband about man who was raped by three women and he had no problem putting them in jail. I said that must have been one smart judge he had but how on earth was he raped by three woman? Did they all gang up on him and he couldn't fight them all off because three of them was too much and he told me he was in a wheelchair and they raped him with a dildo. I said "that's why" because he was in a wheelchair, the judge saw how vulnerable he is so he be unable to fend for himself so the woman got busted when he took them to court. So if you are a guy and in a wheelchair and you get raped, people will believe you.


But it is a possibility my ex may have been emotionally abusive (going by my experience with him) and she was just psychically abusive. Sometimes both people abuse each other in a relationship but I only heard his side. I never heard from his ex about her relationship she had with him.

I was in an abusive marriage, that I managed to get out of when it started turning physical as it started out as verbal abuse. I'm just fortunate that I got out before there were any children, and that he never threw out my birth control or poked holes in condoms. I did get therapy for years, and it was the therapist who first suggested I might have Asperger's. At least my ex never knew as he would have used that against me, as another way to be abusive as he said some cruel things about my cousin who was a micropreemie and was developmentally delayed as a result of his birth. My ex-husband wasn't just an NT, I also think he was a serious narcissist who blamed everyone else for things that went wrong. Towards the end of that marriage, I was ready to blame myself for his grandpa's dementia or his mom's rheumatoid arthritis, as he already blamed me for stuff I couldn't have had any control over.

After therapy and around the time I got diagnosed with Asperger's by the person the therapist referred me to, I eventually got involved with my now-fiancee who has never been abusive at all, and considers my ex-husband to be a major coward. I do think he has Aspie traits, so it might be one reason we're still together and seriously talking about marriage.

I was in a verbally abusive relationship once, until I conked him over the head with an empty Jack Daniels bottle and left him. No one talks to me that way and gets away with it. It only lasted a month and I met my future husband. Now I'm happily married to him and couldn't be happier.

Also, he says all I am good for is sex. Which was probably true in the beginning, because in the past, thats how I learned to get love. And I had no life skills. I could trick people into loving me this way, being promiscuous. I know that's sounds bad, and its gotten me into trouble, my desperate need for affection attention and love. I've used sex for attention. Otherwise, I won't get any. I got married 4 months into the relationship with my husband. He didn't realize I have AS. He thought I was just shy, nature loving and compliant. Alot of AS stuff is coming out now, and I find he is not really interested in learning about it.

If someone you're with discovers you have AS, and doesn't demonstrate any interest in it, ie looking it up on the web, asking questions about it, talking with you about it, does that mean the person doesn't care about you?

I feel that my husband only wants to uphold this illusion of me he has in his mind. He says I don't have AS. I know I do. My dad does, and its obvious from looking at my atrocious life. But he has no interest in learning about me. Does this mean he is trying to deny my true existence? Does this mean he is not actually a friend, but perhaps only a business partner?

OMG, I am so overwhelmed lately, and sad. Very very sad. I have lost so much recently, and I'm thinking about divorce now.

I'm reluctant to get a divorce because its the only thing I have, that grounds me. Its predictable. Otherwise, I don't know how I survive on my own. I just left my full time position for part time, because I wanted to get away from devastatingly hurtful coworker experiences.

Overall, I think we aspies post all the pain of our lives on these forums. But I do relish my internal world, what's left of it after NT's demolish my serenity. Its like I"ve always been hated for my sense of peace. MY sense of non-participation in group think. My individual joy of being not dependent on reflection. My joy is connected to source, and not connected with other humans. NT's hate that. They want what you got. They want your ability to feel internal joy and peace. Because they are stuck in a world that is socially dependent, they have to reflect each other all the time, and we don't. We are the enemy.

Down with NT's.

Feelingforsnow, do you have any knowledge of a place near you where you can get counseling or other services as a person on the spectrum? Please tell someone face-to-face what's happening to you. I'm worried about you. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Please continue to post of your progress, so we can know when you're all right.

Yunilimo, stay strong. I'll also be glad to see how things go for you.

As for abuse between women (or between men) in romantic relationships, I think there's been great fear of reporting it, lest homophobes add abuse to the reasons for thinking that being gay is wrong.

I consider it highly important - vital, in fact - to monitor how I behave during times of meltdowns, outbursts, or whatever, as well as in my general conduct, so that I keep myself from making my partner think I blame her for things that aren't her fault or that I'm mad at her when I'm not. I try to be very clear and use all the self-control I can muster or all the apology and explanation I can gather if I have insufficient control or make a mistake. Treating her, and others, with respect is a top priority for me, as I know I can be very difficult to live with. I guess that, the more aware of and concerned about abuse I am, the more I feel the need to conduct myself as well as I possibly can. Meditation, when I can get to it, helps, btw.

And the fourth possibility is that people who are not normally abusers because they don't dare be with the place they have in the NT pecking order, find their golden opportunity with an aspie. I fled my ex husband the day he threatened to kill me a year into the marriage, now he's been married for 15 years and she's still alive.

One more thing that I noticed... Somehow, I can be way too tolerant... Things that should make me feel bad emotionally and react, don't make me feel bad, or at least not when it happens... There is a delay that can be counted in hours, sometimes in days... So, unless the offensive behavior is still going on, or really really bad, I simply don't think about it anymore. Or better said : I don't notice it.

I sometimes have a delay or fail to notice things. But I also sometimes have trouble drawing the line as to how bad things should be allowed to get, if they can't be resolved, before I know i need to get out. I keep giving the benefit of the doubt and waiting for something bad enough to justify departure, so that I don't worry that I have to explain and justify my actions. Maybe that's something to do with abusers not thinking they're abusive, so they might keep after you about why you're getting away, the way a genuinely confused person would if they've done nothing wrong but accidentally triggered your emotions or have made a mistake but a forgivable and not really bad one. Also, I have to distinguish between being socially overloaded and being treated in a way that's hurting me, and sometimes that can be tough.

Social interaction is simply hard. We do our best, but we can get confused by complicated things and between what's simply challenging and what's real abuse. Potentially abusive people find that easy to take advantage of, and our behaviors that are hard for others to understand or to deal with get used as an excuse to justify the way we get treated, whether it's really even in response to that or not. It's really just convenient for them.

I see what you mean... Starting relationships can make me especially confused, because I don't know the other person well enough, yet... So, when I feel the urge to end it, I don't know if I'm right or not to feel uncomfortable. If it will pass as I know the person better, or if I really have to get away from that person.