Girlfriend has aspergers but she doesnt know that i know

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Ok, so this is a confusing situation...

I have been seeing this girl for about 6 months and a couple of months ago we decided to make things official. Things have been going great, shes an amazing girl and she makes me happy. However, when we made things official I began to notice, what I considered at the time to be, somewhat odd behaviour. One minute we'd be really close and next she'd seem really distant...when talking on the phone it would seem as though she wasn't interested in anything I had to say...then I received some bad news and she didnt appear to really care and when she met my friends she didnt seem to be interested in making any kind of good impression. However amidst all of this, when we would see each other, things would be amazing and we'd be really close. It just didnt seem to fit?

I'm not completely unaware of Aspergers Syndrome and the symptoms associated with it, so I decided to research it and having done so everything seems to fit, I mean EVERYTHING. Without going into too much detail, I can now say that I am 100% certain that my girlfriend has Aspergers (Just for the record, there are other things I have picked up on outside of what I've mentioned above, I realise that what I have mentioned above is a bit vague). So anyway, its not an issue to me and it doesn't change my opinion of her, the way I see it, its not that complex; the girl of my affection thinks a little differently to me..so f*****g what, shes amazing! Simple. However, I am aware that this is going to take some adjusting on my part and I have accepted that my own expectations will have to change.

My main issue is the fact that now that I know this, what do I do? She's still hiding this from me and may very well be doing/ agreeing to things that make her feel uncomfortable. The thought of that makes me feel horrible, I want her to feel as comfortable as possible around me. Plus, I can now identify how much effort she's actually putting into this to make things work, this can't be easy for her. Its a two way thing and I should be working just as hard as she is to get this right. I want to.

So my dilemma is, do I tell her that I know or would this make her uncomfortable? Do I wait for her to approach me and if so what do I do in the mean time to make her feel comfortable?

I'm so confused and I would appreciate any advice with this!!

Thank you.

Hmmm... I'm not quite sure how I'd go about this, because I'm not sure exactly how your girlfriend is. She might find it offensive if you bring it up, she might be relieved, I'm not exactly sure.

But one way or another, I think you should talk to her about it. Maybe next time there's a situation where she'd be agreeing to something that's actually uncomfortable for her.

Maybe she doesn't even know it herself yet - have you considered that?

If I was her I'd appreciate if you told me.

There is a significant possibility that she is not hiding it from you- she might not know about it herself. Lots of people have Asperger's and never get diagnosed.

That being said, the best thing to do might be to bring it up casually. Maybe the next time you two are sitting around talking you could say something like, "Hey, have you ever read anything about Asperger's syndrome? I was reading some stuff about it the other day, and it reminded me of you a little bit. You know how you sometimes have trouble dealing with people?" ... (etc.)

Of course, if she has been diagnosed with Asperger's, then that would let her know that you know and that you are interested in being part of that aspect of her life. If she hasn't been diagnosed, then she will have to decide for herself whether she wants to investigate this more or not.

You can't tell for certain that she has Asperger's, at least not on your own. If she agrees with you that she might have it, then there are several self-tests on the internet (several good ones are linked to in the thread "Set of scientific tests related to Autism Spectrum Disorders" in the General Autism Discussion section of this forum). To get a real diagnosis, she would have to visit a doctor. There are some other conditions and disorders that can have symptoms similar to Asperger's, so don't be too sure until you have her input at least.

Another possibility is that she hasn't mentioned it because she's afraid of how you might react or she's just not sure how or when to bring it up in a conversation.

This is the situation I find myself in now. I want to be able to tell those around me, and let them know, but I haven't because I am nervous and afraid of what the reactions could be if I bring it up - it would be a big relief to me if somebody else would bring it up and ask about it in a supportive way.

While you are supportive of it, quite clearly, there are people that wouldn't be so supportive. She could be afraid that telling you would drive you away - and it could be a great relief if you were to tell her what you're thinking, and tell her that you have no issues with it and accept her the way she is.

However, a positive response isn't guaranteed, particularly if she's hiding it intentionally or if she rejects the possibility of her having Asperger's. So, you'll have to weigh the risks and rewards.

Do you happen to be quite close with anyone else that knows her well? If the right person exists, it may not be a bad idea to see if it makes sense to another person that knows her.

Hi, maybe keep the initial overture short and sweet, something like:

'You know, I was doing some reading about the Aspie Spectrum, and it's perfectly okay with me if you or I are on the Spectrum.'

I agree with Sanctus - that is exactly what went through my head. My boyfriend kept asking me.. baby.. are you sure you aren't autistic?... For two years I rejected that. Then bam... look what I know now. Plenty of undiagnosed people out there - especially females.

I was offended when my boyfriend was asking me. I had very very little knowledge about autism spectrum disorders and the little I did know was not very accurate. So consider things carefully before and how you approach her.

You sound like a great guy - I hope things work for you both

I'm confused. Does she already have a diagnosis, or does she not?

If she's very high functioning, she might not have a clue. She might think she's different, shy, awkward, obsessive, whatever, but she might not know she can get diagnosed with anything. You'll have to tread very carefully. If she's not ready to hear it, she might be offended and think you're criticising her personality, which isn't good for anyone to hear. I understand you really like this girl and wouldn't want to hurt her, but you could hurt her quite easily, by pointing out things that you've noticed. Something which might not offend is pointing out sensory issues. Have you noticed if she likes to wear certain fabrics or doesn't like loud music or crowds? This might be a way in to discussing the matter.

Thank you for the replies, I appreciate everyone's comments and obviously, at this point I consider every point valid. I guess it might help if I give you a few more specifics..

I have been round to her house a few times and, from what I've observed, her dad appears to display some of the same traits ie light sensitivity and issues with taste..when we have dinner things are generally served split up on the plate so that nothings touching, I don't know whether this is a common thing for aspie's? I get the impression that she may have been diagnosed but obviously, until I approach the matter I won't know for certain unless she tells me. From what I gather her mum seems to be NT and she has made a few comments and told me stories of when she met my gf's dad and how he behaved when they were dating, she hasn't been explicit about anything though, understandably.

She always has her phone off so if we speak I always have to arrange this prior to calling her and when we do talk its often focused on stuff to do with her and when I try telling her about the things I've been up to she doesnt really respond in a way where the conversation can develop so we usually go back to talking about things that shes been up to.

My intuition tells me that she may very well have been diagnosed and its almost like shes dropping very subtle hints which suggests that this is something she wants to talk about with me but, as Canaspie mentioned, she might be afraid of how I'll react because, evidently, she does really like me, I know that.

Anyway, I hope this gives you more insight!

Last edited by boyconfused on 11 Oct 2012, 8:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, a lot of us hate phone calls. For me it is very exhausting to maintain a conversation on the phone.

As for the "feeling flat": Sometimes, at the end of the day, I feel totally overwhelmed and exhausted by everything that happened, especially if the day was stressful or somehow upsetting. The only thing that helps then is silence and being alone.

do you have a good relationship with her parents? you could ask them.

Same opinion, here. Now, if you were self aspie then you'd just start talking about your feelings.
Obviously she might be afraid to tell you even if she'd know.

Then she might feel anyway embarrassed if she didn't know.



I would feel bad if you'd ask my parents instead
and if she doesn't know it her parents would be offended at least! No good idea I think

Maybe she's also waiting for the right moment to tell you and is a little nervous?

I would be also very careful with any kind of proposing her that she's aspie.
I would always try to make herself figure it out.
Or work something out that would indirectly show her that you think she's an aspie.

Even though I acknowledged it for a few years before getting an official diagnosis, I would've denied it up and down. Now, I will say, "Yes, I'm autistic/have autism" or "Yes, I have PDD-NOS" if confronted.

If her dad has autism, it's entirely possible she wasn't diagnosed because she was considered "normal".

Well, you know her best, so you'll know best how to talk to her without causing any hurt feelings; but it's better for her to know that you're aware of it than not. Keeping that kind of a secret can really wear on a relationship.

Tell her you know, how you found out, and emphasize that you love her for who she is, including her AS and everything about it; that she doesn't have to hide it because you don't think any worse of her for it; you're not going to look down on her for it--you love her, period. (I'm assuming this is an official diagnosis you found out about somehow, right?--it's not just you diagnosing her?)

Question, though: Why should your expectations have to change? You already know her. She's the same person. Your information about her, as a person, is much more detailed and reliable than something as vague as a psychological label. There are always places where we break the stereotype; when she breaks the stereotype, you have no reason to go back and say that she must somehow match the stereotype after all. She doesn't have to match.

It's very unlikely that the fact that she has AS tells you anything that you didn't already know; not unless she's been taught that it's unacceptable and she's anxiously hiding it for fear of being totally rejected. (Granted, some of us do that. But you're still her boyfriend--with all the emotional closeness that implies--so you can probably tell quite easily when she's forcing herself to do something just because it's "appropriate".)

You should tell her what youve noticed.
She probablly doesnt even know about aspergers and probablly doesnt know that she's behaving any differently from average people.
If nobody told me I would have never figured it out on my own.