STILL afraid I don't have AS after unofficial diagnosis

Post Reply New Topic

-I am a twenty-two year old female, diagnosed as OCD when I was twelve-

I first read about the traits of women who have Asperger's three months ago. It was an extremely emotional next four hours, with the months following that event being particularly obsessive and emotionally painful, being that I was afraid whomever I go to with this theory may disagree with me. I made an appointment with my regular psychiatrist, and my Mom agreeing to go with me to give her input about my childhood (after flooding my Mom's ears with 'Asperger's this.. Asperger's that..,' she firmly believes I have this.) My Mom forgot to pick me up for the appointment, so I used my grandfather's truck, and on the way there I was SO distraught by her not coming to this intensely important event with me that I started to bawl from an overflow of initially frustration, then emotion. I get to the building, recalling my Mom, and she forgets to show up. So I go in alone, looking like a mess, cannot verbalize it to my psychiatrist just why I'm so upset, but had a list of reasons of why I thought I may have Asperger's. She immediately told me that 'someone with Asperger's looked like how the tall, skinny guy from the Big Bang theory looked and acted.' She then told me I have social phobia and horrible self esteem (which I do NOT find true, I know I am a pretty girl and that was one of the main reasons I began searching for answers for my social difficulty, ESPECIALLY at work.)

I recently went to a therapist who specializes in Asperger's and has it herself. Towards the end of my first session she brings out the DSM-IV to screen me. I met every category and she dubbed me Asperger's, although she thought my OCD may overrule my Aspie tendencies. I read posts, blogs, anything I can find that has affiliation with Asperger's, and though everything I read, I feel, I could have just as well been written by myself (as far as the author's experience goes,) I am still questioning whether or not I have Asperger's.

I went against my Mom's advice and confided in some people I work with about the diagnosis. I work with a manager that very much does not like me, because I have gotten some attention from our male coworkers, and has emotional issues. Within days all of my guy friends from work quit talking to me and inviting me to their pool games and parties. I've been very hurt by this, not understanding how people can be so cruel, and question the diagnosis now more than ever. I keep on getting reassurance from my Mom, but it almost feels 'too good to be true' to me. Is this normal? Has anyone else felt this way?

I think it's a shame that no one has yet to respond to this. No, that's not sarcasm, either.

I think it's an OCD thing. I had a very similar experience. I was so afraid that I didn't have it that I made myself sick waiting to hear the results (and then my appointment was changed).

Even after getting diagnosed, I was afraid they were wrong. I only have been convinced, with no fear, after observing social situation after situation fail.

So I can say I relate. Don't know what to do.

Be honest here, what exactly did you expect the NT's to do once they became aware you were not one of them, live up to their facade of being a good person? People in this forum need to wake up and smell reality. NT's cannot be trusted.

Yes, you probably are an aspie, we often figure it out before anyone else in our life. The first psychiatrist referenced an actor in a pop culture television show as an example of what AS is ...clearly she's an idiot. This is our curse, to live in a world ruled by idiots that will fabricate beliefs to reinforce their notion of reality and their misplaced sense of superiority. Get used to it. Accept what you are, accept what they are, and try to find serenity in your life because you are the only one who can, and never, ever, trust an NT.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but when you search for the truth you should be prepared to lose the comfort of ignorance.

Bitter much? You denigrate literally billions of people. How pointless, absurd and unhelpful.

I can certainly realte to that. It is a really strange ambivalent feeling.

A few weeks ago I happened to be reading an autobiography by someone with AS and had that 'ah-ha' moment of profound realisation. I read into it more (and more...and more) and Aspergers Syndrome would seem to explain EVERYTHING. My childhood, my life and problems now as an adult. The enormity and significance of something like that cannot be overstated. I have been reffered by my GP and am awaiting a diagnosis myself now. I feel that same sense of worry that I might be told that I am simply mistaken. I think if that was the case I would feel robbed of my answer. Also, aspergers seems such a perfect fit that, were it not to be the case, I feel like I would probably never come close to explaining all these deeply troubling myriad of issues.

I have lived most of my life feeling like an outsider in many ways and it would be amazing to have this neat little explaination for things rather than continue living with a deep-rooted sense of uncertainty about myself.

If you have made it to adulthood without a diagnosis, you naturally assume yourself to be nurotypical (albeit with a few quirks) and seriously committing to the possibility that you are in fact on the autistic spectrum but never realised requires a massive leap of faith and outlay of emotional investment. This is why I think it feels like so much hangs on that answer.

In my case I am now about 99% convinced that I am an aspie having researched this to death. However, that remaining 1% of doubt is preventing me from moving on and fully accepting this.

Here is a question I have pondered: How would you feel if you were told that you were sub-clinical (ie. highly likely an aspie but not impaired enough to meet the strict diagnostic criteria)? I suspect this may be the case for me as I have a wife and a job etc.

I am thankful for your responses. EstherJ, it has been making me sick to my stomach worrying about it too, I'm not 'happy' that you can relate but I will admit I feel relief in knowing I'm not alone. I've been having to be on 4 mgs of Ondansetron every six or so hours to combat my nausea, this was even before my diagnosis. And I've had emetophobia since age six so it's a constant cycle. I also take clonazepam for anxiety. Not as much here lately, which may be part of the withdrawals that is causing my severe anxiety. Plus, I used to be on Zoloft for my OCD, a full-on 150 mgs, but I quit that seven months ago.

I think the thing that scares me the most is that my twenty year old brother has schizophrenia, and despite the fact I've seen countless articles on how there are links in ASD's and schizophrenia, I'm always afraid I'm going to develop the other one if I don't stop this worrying BS.

Is it bitterness to acknowledge the truth? Is it denigration to accept the truth? No, it's enlightenment, it's serenity. By trusting NT's you enable them to take advantage of you. I don't like it anymore than you, but I accept it. We can believe whatever we want to, and ignore the truth of reality at our own peril.

NT's demonstrate time and again what they really are, often contrary to what they claim to be. How can you trust someone so ignorant? It's clear that you want to believe they're better than what they are, well sorry, but they aren't. It's not denigration to acknowledge truth in spite of belief.

She trusted the NT's to accept her AS, look what it did. Stop making excuses for them.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate them, I pity them, probably as much as they pity us, if they do such a thing. Are there good ones out there? Sure, but you can't tell by looking at them. It's better to err on the side of caution and operate on terms of respect rather than trust. What is trust if not mutual respect? Many NT's won't respect us so why should we trust them?

I would appriciate it if you would not talk that way about my wife! So you have had some bad experiences - I feel for you. But to say that over 6 billion people....SIX BILLION...cannot be trusted is a grossly unfair and offensive genralisation. By that logic I suppose everyone of us on the spectrum are [Insert insulting autism stereotype here].

Appauling!

Ok, I concede I shouldn't generalize, but it doesn't discount that in general NT's are raised to be judgmental and the result of the OP's choice to confide in her NT coworker peers exemplifies it. Your wife is an exception, my GF is an exception, the large majority of NT's, aren't exceptions. And we're far closer to 7 billion than 6 at this point.

I think the good news is is that you can't have both autism and schizophrenia? Maybe I'm wrong but that's what I've heard.

I admit that her coworkers do seem to be making a good case for you but I suspect that they were just a bunch of unenlightened idiots she is better of without by the sounds of it.

I think we often need to trust [i]some[i] NT friends and family (and possibly coworkers) but the very thing that makes this difficult is all-to-common nievity and trouble reading people. This makes knowing just who to trust that much more difficult. As a result it can probably seem like all hope is lost but there are NTs who are more sensetive and less ostracising that those infohungry described.

I think there are judgemental people out there - possibly a lot - but this trait is something innate and the stick-with-your-own-type instinct realted to it actually used to serve us humans quite well back in the hunter/gatherer days. Now that this it is a largely outdated instinct, I think people are actively raised and educated to be [i]less[i] judgemental ...although this often falls on deaf ears unfortunately. The good news is that I think that the more intelegent and enlightened people are the ones more likely to be open and accepting and that works just fine for me - the mindless neaderthals can keep themselves isolated in their homogeneous little groups. I probably would not want to associate with them anyway. Meanwhile I will be discussing music production, photography and string theory with the intelectuals.

...sure I had an actual point in there ...somewhere

You won't know that you have AS until you receive a diagnosis of AS from an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional.

Don't let any poseurs convince you otherwise.

You can have both. They aren't mutually exclusive. You are born with autism and/or a genetic predisposition to schizophrenia, and will develop schizophrenia if you have the right stressful life:genetic load ratio.



Call me a poseur, then. Sometimes, a medical professional isn't going to know much about autism, sometimes somebody can't afford to see a professional, sometimes family and other "loved ones" won't/can't cooperate with the diagnostic process. Any of this can prevent a legitimate diagnosis.

Fnord, always the same answer in this sort of thread, no?

I wonder what's the use, though.

I got your point.

I want to apologize if I genuinely offended anyone with my posts, and to the OP for kind of getting your thread off track. I admit I was being ignorant in my generalization of NT's, but discretion is key as to whom you should trust with your diagnosis. Good luck.

Yeah, I probably overreacted a little too last night. Aspie traits I have in abundance are sensitivity to perceived unfairness, blowing things up out of proportion, and being blunt/undiplomatic/rude. Something I probably need to work on.

In terms of trusting NTs there is probably a middle ground (maybe more what you were meaning possibly) - That would be that we should resist the urge to automatically trust NTs and try to take a step back and figure out how they might react (though that might be easier said than done). I have this urge to share too and I have to force myself to keep a lid on things since I am so emotionally tied up in the AS thing and I don't know how most people would react to that information.

[Si_82 climbs down from his pedestal]