How do I correct an Aspie teen boy with out making feel like

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I have a 13 year old who although is capeable of focusing has not mastered forcing himself to do it and often would rather daydream. This means he often does a poor job on tasks. When he is in the mood to do them he does a great job so it is not a matter of just not having the skills to do it. It is frustrating to have to say the same things every single day... you have to get the dishes clean when you wash them, please put the toilet seat down, I asked you to make your bed.. what is that supposed to be? I am annoyed an after saying it 500 times I speak an octive higher and my frustration is obvious. I am not angry, I am frustrated. It is a lot of work. Then I get told that what ever I said is not true. "you have to get the food off the plates when you wash them" "I did" "what is that?" "I don't know" all with the typical teen attitude. Last night he said "you guys are always pissed off at me" I tried to explain all of this to him and as much as he understands what I am saying how do I communicate in a way to get the results I need from him. I asked him how he would feel about us having a word. When I say it he has to be quiet weather he agrees with me or not. In 10 minutes he can tell me his side of things. Honestly it is not that he doesn't "get it" it is just he gets embarassed when called out for something he didn't notice. I don't want to make him feel we are angry at him all the time, but I don't want to have to tell him the same thing every day either.

Wow,

your writing style is almost like an aspie. I hope you don't insult on this.

Aspies get easily the feelings that they are treated unfairly. And only consistent reasoning will do something, if at all.
I think 13 year old NTs are already difficult. But your 13 year old aspie son might be stubborn as hell.

I don't know just trying to sense his feelings and asking the right questions could help, maybe ...
Maybe if you take it easier and just give some of your expectations up, things will get easier.
He'll feel that you are frustrated about him. And he most certainly doesn't like that or even feel sad that you fail to understand him.
Do you think that that kind of feelings could be involved?

I take it more as a compliment lol... but would love to know what that means exactly. What is there style? I am sure it comes from both trying very hard to communicate with my two Aspies and I am here in Aspie world I need to speak the language lol.

My fear in giving up expectations is that he will not learn to survive on his own. He is just so oblivious to things he is not intersted in and he is going to have to know how to wash dishes, do laundry etc.. I could give up on the toilet seat though lol. On some things I have been able to find a system that works. Like showering. I say "tell me how ya do it" he says "use my own towel, shower curtain on the inside, dry off before I get out" but that doesn't work for everything.

It makes me crazy when I hear or read someone say Aspies have no emotions. In my experience they are stronger than NT's. It just doesn't always appear to match the situation based on what we are familiar with. It took forever for me to recognize his "anger attitude" as embarassed. Even knowing it I forget. I had 40 years of NT programing and 2 of AS retraining lol. But yes, he is misreading a lot of my reactions and he is upset. I have a 13 and a 2 year old and that in itself is a handful throw in decoding the Aspie! I am just grateful for this site. In just a few days I have gotten so much help and understanding from those living with AS. I can read about it in a book but it is not the same as people sharing their experiences

Instead of saying it 100 times why dont you just write it on a whiteboard or something. Use visuals....it helps

You know what? It sounds like a typical teenager and mother situation! In fact it sounds like my mother and me and my brother. Now I am on the spectrum and my brother is NT and the same things happened when we were that age. In fact, Lori, a lot of these complaints I hear from my sisters about their husbands. I think you have to pick your battles. If he is otherwise doing well you might have to let some of these "annoyances" go.

Well, at least as a teen I never got into drugs, alcohol, vandalism, carjacking, street racing and other NT teen vices...

You say "get the dishes clean, put the toilet seat down, make the bed, etc." Maybe it's too much for him to remember all at once, when he's not in the habit of any of it and none of it comes naturally to him? Could it be easier for him if you focused on just one or two of those things at a time?

I will definitely give writing it a try.

And how did your mother handle it? I get that I am going to have to tell him to "pay attention" "take out the trash" and a NT would get that I am annoyed by it. Knowing doesn't make it any less annoying. But I need to figure out how to communicate with him and not make him feel like he is hated and unloved. My boyfriend claims I am often too easy on him. He doesn't normally say a word about how I parent my son our our daughter but I was telling him I didn't know if I was being to hard on him or unrealistic. My boyfriend being AS too I felt might be insightful but at the same time he was sort of brought up with the sink or swim style and he has had a long time to develop his coping stratigies.

Is it your thought that there are so many chores ahead of him he can't get his head around the one he is doing?

positive reinforcement always helps

I rarely remember doing dishes - the sheer amount tends to get overwhelming. In that case it's possible the task itself is a bit crazy.

That's the best I've got so far.

I'd say go with what the other person said, about writing it down on a white board. Also, if you're going to be upset with him when he DOESN'T do what you want, then you have to have some sort of positive reinforcement too, for when he does do what you want. Otherwise, it's probably going to seem to him like all you guys do is b***h and complain to him, and when he does good things, it goes unnoticed.

That's exactly how it was growing up for me. My parents would always b***h no matter what I did, so I stopped doing what they wanted, or I'd only do the bare minimum and avoided them as much as possible.

And now, I never know how to react to compliments because they seem so foreign to me. Whenever someone compliments anything about me, I'm usually dumbfounded. Make sure that when he does what you want, he understands that you appreciate it. Even if he missed a spot of dirt on the dishes, tell him "thank you for doing the dishes, but could you be more thorough?" Also, SHOW him what he missed so he sees that you're not just yelling at him, and be nice about it. Don't just complain, "omg, you missed a spot AGAIN!" You need to nurture too, not just teach/discipline.

You could also try letting things go for a while until it builds up to where he has no choice but to do dishes or do the laundry himself to help him understand that you won't always be around to take care of those things, and to show him the importance of learning to do it properly himself. These are all things you should consider.

My mom had a lot of success with my sister making lists and setting deadlines.

I totally agree with you on the positive as well. I tell him all the time "with responsibility comes reward" and when he has a day where his attitude stays good even if he doesn't get everything done correctly I let him stay up late, close his bedroom door (he was being inappropriate in texting and on his ipod so he was not allowed to shut himself in), have a treat. And I do thank him a lot even when the episode has been a disaster.

Zodai, I think you have a point. I need to figure out a way to portion out tasks. Other than letting the water overfill the sink and run onto the floor as he was standing right there... What? he had done a good job on them and even pointed out he couldn't get a pasta sauce stain off a plate. I thanked him for showing it to me and told him he could put it aside and I would take care of it. Maybe I will try having him do some when he gets home from school and just the dinner dishes at night. We tend to clean as we cook so it is not like there are a lot of cooking things just plates cups and utensils, maybe a serving bowl.

These suggestions are very helpful! Thank You all

Yes, writing on notes posted around the house works.

I have the same issues as your son. His attitude is typical teenager attitude. I still have that sometimes, but mostly, I also get frustrated that others get frustrated with me for the way that my brain works, the way that I can't really control.

Hello,

I had a lot of problems with this growing up, and I still do today at 28 years old. A lot of times when my mom would say she was "just reminding" me she didn't realize how much I picked up on her irritation and and everything would spiral out of control. I'll help as best that I can.

1. Dishes - If there are a lot of dishes, or they are even stacked in such a way to appear as though there are a lot, I would become so confused with where to start that I would get very upset. It actually took a manager at Arby's who had some problems to show me how to deal with this. Clean a spot off. Teach him EXACTLY how you want the dishes done. Stand there with him and have him stack the plates and bowls. Separate the glasses and silverware. Wash one thing at a time and give him logical instructions. Glasses first "because we do not want greasy residue on our drinking cups." Then plates because it is easier to stack bowls behind the plates. Then, we wash the silverware. Dry everything and put it up. Now move to another step, pots and/or pans. Pans first, pots second because we want to make good use of space for stacking just like the plates and bowls. That is washing the dishes.

2. Now we clean the stove. Then we clean the counters. We clean the sink last because if we clean it first then we keep messing it up because of rinsing out our rags/sponges. (notice how I keep saying "we"? I'm doing that because you should talk to him that way. Let him know that the kitchen is everybody's. Otherwise he may feel he is just cleaning "your" stuff. We know it's not really that way, but there are extra steps to take here.) Cleaning the stove/counter/sink is NOT just "part of washing dishes." They are not dishes, they are separate things.

3. Sweeping the floor. I'm willing to bet that he won't move things and sweep under them lol. It's not just an A.S. thing either, this is just "kids." But, I've always done better when somebody patiently walks me through what they want done. I'll do it that way pretty much everytime; sometimes I get lazy or in a hurry like anyone else.

When you put these things on the whiteboard, put little notes. However, do NOT put down some giant list, it won't get done and you will make yourself miserable. No more than three things and keep them short. This should help. I've also found that it works really well to do things together with not only kids with A.S., but any child. Very often parents get hung up in telling the kids to do their chores, and they should, but just doing them with the child (especially on a day with little to really do) reminds them that you care and lets you see how they are going through the process.

Hope you find this helpful.

WOW! That is hugly helpful!! So can you give me some hint on how to get him out of his head? He is not always in there but I can't find the trigger. By that I mean so lost in thought he can't get anything done.