Being Normal

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I have always acted in all my life, both in the sense of taking actions and in the sense of "pretending". My satisfactory relationships have been with animals. But now at nearly 80 i feel exhausted to be obliged to "pretend" in human relationships. If I have a message for others is: "pretend as little as possible in you life". At worst, but not necessarily to that point, answer, like Bartelby. "I would prefer not", to requests of normal people.

Last edited by paolo on 28 Dec 2012, 11:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have been aware since kindergarten that I was different, but I have never felt strong desire to be normal. I have followed the philosophical trail of the life, which have led me for the most through experience and beliefs which are more uncommon than common and which always have been critical of normality.

As soon as I was put into situations where I was forced to socially interact with people, I could tell I was different. For me, that was in kindergarten. I haven't been diagnosed (yet), but I'm 98% sure that I have Aspergers. Besides that, I was different. I was very pale and Scottish and German, lived in an area where most of the people were at least half Tlingit Native American, and had red hair and green eyes. I didn't just act different; I looked different.

I obsessed about being normal up until I was in maybe fourth or fifth grade. I wanted to be normal because I wanted peace. I didn't mind being an outcast, I preferred to be alone, but I didn't like constantly being picked on by the other kids. I thought that if I was "normal" that the bullying would stop and people would understand me and I could get along with them. I struggled a lot socially when I was little.

From when I was about twelve up until now, however, I stopped caring about socializing at all or social norms. I've never liked being rude and can usually tell when something I say is/will be rude, my mother raised me that way, but I just didn't care what people thought about me or expected of me at all. I didn't care about being "normal" anymore. Now, I just see "normal" as a changing perception that I don't have to fit into at all. Besides, being "normal" is far too boring . I know I don't fit that perception, and I'm fine with it. If someone says I'm strange or looks at me like I'm strange or anything like that now I just think, who cares? I mean, does it really matter in the end? Will it affect my happiness and my goals in life? No. If I wanted to be famous, maybe then I'd have to think about what people think of me, but I don't. I want to (and will) be a psychologist and double major in Psychology and Neuroscience and minor in Linguistics at a decent university. What my peers think of me won't affect my goals.

I have a few friends (I use the term "friends" loosely, we're friendly and talk to each other during classes, but we're not close and don't quite know each other on a more intimate level. I only have a couple real friends) that are fully aware of all of my idiosyncrasies, but they don't care and they don't mind them and they actually like them. Sure, they playfully tease me about them at times, but they're very understanding and nice people and that's all I really need. A few people that at least vaguely understand me and are aware of my quirks and are fine with it, and a couple people that understand me well and will know me for likely most of our lives. I don't need the approval of strangers.

My biggest problem, is my parents. They don't understand me at all, and make no attempt at trying to understanding me, My picky eating, my sensory issues, all of my quirks. They view me as a selfish (which I'm not, I'm actually fairly selfless) antisocial hermit with no emotions. Well, when I say parents, I mean the people that are my legal guardians, my father and step-mother. My mother is very understanding of me and did a great job of raising me and is a sweet wonderful and caring person, and has some aspie-like quirks herself (though I'm pretty sure she doesn't have it), Though, I don't really make much of an effort to understand my parents myself. They've put me through hell and for many reasons I hate them and when I get the opportunity I'm going to completely cut them out of my life (a lot of people see this as cold, but I see it as necessary).

I just don't place much value on social norms or expectations at all. "Normal" is merely what the majority of people around you perceive as socially acceptable. It changes frequently and I just don't put much stock in it and don't really care about it.

It's a relief to know that I am not the only one.

Answering the questions,

Yes, I have always felt I was different from the others. And I somehow knew it would never be possible for me to be "normal" because I felt like a different species or an alien - with some fundamental difference. Even when I didn't know about AS (and I haven't been diagnosed yet), I was thinking there must be some kind of disorder that would cause someone to be like me. I even thought it could be some kind of mutation that creates a completely different kind of (human) being.

I knew I wasn't normal, but I didn't know exactly why. People around me confirmed that I wasn't normal by their words and actions, which sometimes hurt. Still, I didn't know "how" I wasn't normal.

I have tried to appear normal, but it never worked. I knew it would never work because I somehow knew I was born different.

I have only self-diagnosed. When I heard about AS, I felt I finally found a disorder I had always known existed. I only felt a huge relief, nothing negative, because I had long given up becoming "normal". AS explained my whole life. It all made sense. Now at least I know why I am the way I am. AS is a good reason why I shouldn't bother to try to fit in or tolerate uncomfortable things. I just accept the way I am. I feel (or at least hope) I can start becoming more confident (not quite so much so as "normal people, though) since I found out about AS.

Any way, this is a good thread. It is really good to hear about other people's experiences.

As about friends I am in a very similar situation. But with the advancing of age, my problems of loneliness become more acute as social disability goes hand in hand with an increasing need of support, and even those "friends" I had become less available, for distance, fatigue on my part and their part, and a more critical eye on them on my part. Some of them disappear. To fill the gap you scrape the barrell, you look for old desk companions or you look for some new people in new environments. The first kind of reserch is pathetic and futile, the second extremely difficult. Younger people cannot understand your itineraries, older people have their own baggage to drag.

I get what the OP is saying ....

In order to pas for normal , I made so many efforts growing up to curb my behaviour, to stop behaving in certain ways, and to
mimic what is normal what is acceptable, and to ignore my sensory discomfort repeatedly.

-- like the OP I thought what I was suffering from was acute social anxiety - and that all I had to do was overlearn this and get more normal....

I can remember thinking at about 30 that, what I needed to do to sort myself out was act more normal... I used to literally study day time TV as if it held the keys to normality - if I could just come across more like the average person, then my life would be easier. That didn't work !

- as I'm going through diagnosis right now,(after self-diagnosing myself for a while) I still feel as if my somewhat ability to "pass for normal" is going to push the psychs against giving me an AS diagnosis. Although I'm usually seen as eccentric and weird, noone has ever said to me in the past - do you think you are on the spectrum? But that could be because 1) I'm female 2) the job I used to do is seen as a job where you need empathy etc.. and that is
usually what people think AS could never have, which I think is completely wrong. IMO, its NT that appear to demonstrate a real lack of imagination and empathy, in that they seem clueless about what people with AS or sensory issues have to go through daily.


According to my partner, I can't hide my aspie ness - but I can put a really good impression of NT ness on when it matters...for a limited
period of time. Meltdowns usually don't happen in public, although I do have the odd one now and again...

I wanted to ask the OP if she thinks getting a diagnosis as an adult is helpful?

People in the ASD live in a bubble, a defensive self constructed bubble (like Kafka's Burrow).This might be the simplest way to describe the situation of the autistic person. He/she is on raft in a sea in tempest, trying to save his/her life. This is the primordial commandment for living beings: to save your body (but is it really yours? or does it belong to Life?).This commandment is wired in your mind, and has a priority over any other commandment. Can this desperate subject feel empathy for others? Not now! He must look at the next wave, and see how he/she can remain afloat. That’all for him now. But this “now” may last all his life.

We can have an apparently "normal" life, but this "normal" life is a fragile cobweb of pretending. It may be destroyed or severely damaged by any external intervention. You have to climb back in your burrow or bubble and patiently put yourself to work to repair the damage. This is experienced by many persons when they say "leave me alone", "I need to stay by myself". They have to settle the damage (a loss, a betrayal, a disappointment). People in the ASD spectrum live this way all their life. They are kind of being shipped to Mars and left there, without any possible communication.

My school friends seemed to speak to me as if I was stupid, when it's clearly not the case. They'd poke fun at certain things I said or did, thinking I didn't understand I was being made fun of (I did know, I just didn't understand why they thought X was funny). This followed me to higher education. I seemed to break free from this at work, but I still occasionally get the impression that other adults are talking down to me, i.e. they sometimes speak to me in the way I would speak to a very young child. I know it's the way I come across that causes them to respond in this way. Maybe it's because I smile and have a jolly demeanour or because I don't get into the deep meaningful discussions that are actually going on in my head (because they probably don't feel as strongly about the subject and I'd probably bore them). I've spent the majority of my life being silent and I'd rather not have to be that person, so jolly it is, but I know it's seen as odd by many people.

But, unlike many of the WP members, I don't even fit in very well here. I don't really get into things, primarily as I don't have the concentration for it. I get so easily distracted that nothing lasts. I'm also a perfectionist, which means that I don't even start things which aren't quite perfect in my mind and don't finish projects that I think I might ruin. I have yearnings to do stuff, but never accomplish very much and I get distracted by my own guilt over my lack of achievements (I'm also talking about basic stuff, like getting the ironing done). I'm quite envious of those of you who have special interests that you are experts in. I know a lot of stuff about all sorts of things - I'm the type of person who gets all the answers right in the TV quiz shows, but I've no chance of ever being the boffin that everyone knows is the expert in their field. I never struggled at all at school, as I was one of the high flyers, but my output since then has been minimal. I'm different, but I could live with that in my old age, but I hate the frustration.

I don't have a diagnosis and I doubt I would get one, as I seem to be living a fairly 'normal' life, even if I don't work. I'm a full-time Mum, but the thought of going back into the workplace scares me. When I did work and was looking for higher graded positions, I put a whole load of limitations on myself, i.e can't do that job because of this thing about me. I'm not even sure if I was putting myself down too much, but I don't think I was. Anyway, discovering Aspergers has explained an awful lot, but it also raised a lot of questions, many of which could probably be answered by ADHD.

Don't feel bad, Mummy of Peanut. I used to have a special interest when I was a child, but now that has all but faded. I'm currently more 'ranged' in my knowledge, though like you I'm not an expert in any field. I was a grade A student in secondary school, and I was poised to enter University to study biology, but instead I've chosen a path that led me to jobs as cleaner, bookbinder, assembly worker, and waiter.

I like to think of the rat: it's an animal that can climb, swim, and burrow, though not quite so well as experts like the squirrel, the water vole, and the mole respectively, yet when a calamity occurs that makes life hard for either a climber, a swimmer, or a burrower, the rat will be able to switch to another modus vivendi.

I'm not sure that I felt different from everyone else, but I was painfully conscious of the fact that I didn't quite fit it. Communication/social skills were especially difficult, and I spent a lot of time frustrated (and my mother as well) that I could not overcome my "shyness" and just talk to people like a normal human being. Most of the time, I would just retreat either into myself or into a corner.

I did not suspect Asperger's until about 10 months ago, but in that instance, my life actually made sense. Still, I go back and forth from accepting the way I am to discouraged that there's nothing I can do to change. And sometimes (since I'm undiagnosed), I slip into denial and feel like I have to learn to be "normal."

Generally, I'm glad to know. Now that I understand how I operate, I'm getting better at recognizing my limits and how to handle them (when I'm overstimulated, for example).

I can relate to this in two points.

One is that I also don't feel I fit in very well here.

The other is that I also feel guilty/ashamed about not achieving anything great in my life in spite of my good academic performance. I feel very disappointed about it. I am a perfectionist and that stops me from trying things because I don't feel I can achieve anything significant. Maybe my goal is too high. And when I have some special interest, I tend to get overwhelmed by a sense of wasting too much time for it and end up giving it up. I often feel a sense of failure. My very poor social skills also don't help overcome some obstacles.

Have a Happy New Year, everyone!

Not until I was 22. I never really thought about people before then.

I always felt VERY different, for as long as I can remember, was the overwhelming knowledge that I was not like other people.

I had a lot of behavior problems particularly in elementary school. I was bullied for my peculiar behavior, but because I had an overactive imagination in other areas, such as playtime, everyone assumed I was making it up for attention. Other kids would pick on me and sometimes physically threaten me, and when I told the teachers, I was the one who would get in trouble. All of my outbursts of self-hatred, extreme depression, social anxiety, etc., were dismissed as "just looking for attention". Whenever I tried to explain my emotions to authority figures, I was told to "toughen up" or "stop exaggerating". All counseling was designed to suppress my bad behavior, rather than trying to understand what was causing it.

So by a very young age (say, 6 or 7) I had the sense that I was deeply, irreversibly flawed, a horrible person, even evil. It never occurred to me that my brain might just be wired different. Everyone assumed that I was choosing to act the way I did, so I thought so too. Everyone just told me that I "needed to learn to control myself". This feeling of being fundamentally wrong has stayed with me until very recently (I'm 21)--particularly, because no one could explain why I acted and felt the way I did (because they assumed it was a choice), I felt that was wrong with me was undefinable, that I just gave off this aura that said "Freak", and that there was nothing I could do about it. I felt that I had an inherent character flaw that made me unlovable and that needed to be punished--by isolating myself from my peers (I saw myself as dangerous to them, though I never desired to or tried to seriously hurt anyone, but they regarded me as dangerous and so I felt I was), by extreme criticism of myself, and eventually by self-harm.

This feel of being "wrong" and horrible and hopelessly unlovable lasted until this past fall, when I was diagnosed and was told that the reason people responded unfavorably to me could be defined and wasn't my fault, that I simply wasn't doing certain social behaviors that come naturally to other people. Though I still have extremely low self-esteem and feel flawed and "wrong" sometimes, I no longer feel that my problem is simply lack of willpower or control, or "choosing" to feel and act differently from others. The fact that my problems are concrete and can be defined and improved is also an immense relief and makes me feel more that I am "a person with a problem" rather than "a problem person". But I certainly never have felt and doubt I ever will feel "normal".

my brothers and relatives' have similar interests as i do and getting along with them was easier to deal with. if i had some form of issue with something they also had also experienced it or had a more difficult time of it. so i wasn't really alone in regards to games, movies, television, or some hobbies. what made us each different was that we all did something that the other hated and we learned to deal with it at some point. My elder brother liked to crack his knuckles, that irritated the hell out of me and my younger brother. I would talk going into random tangents different conversations that they couldn't keep up with that was something they learned to deal with. my younger brother would randomly punch us. we all figured out how to deal with each others problems.

We all had a bully. My elder brother learned first that it was better to beat the bully with your own strength instead of relying on someone else. So he told me this and i beat my bully. When my younger brother could no longer deal with his bully peacefully i told him what our older brother had said. He defeated his bully and was left alone. The only remaining Bully that we could deal with was within ourselves. Which i continue to face everyday......

I didn't really realize i was different from other people till i had gone to someone's birthday party and realized that they weren't interested in the same things i was. i felt devastated and had a meltdown ended up crying till my father arrived to take me home. I realized i was different in another way because i cried....a lot...probably more then was necessary. I'd stick myself with pencils and no longer felt the desire to talk to anyone.

Interesting questions.

Yes, as far as I can remember, I always knew there was something different about me; I did not fit in as would be expected and, although I sometimes felt lonely, I was perfectly content in spending the whole day alone reading encyclopaedias and watching cartoons. Playing with other children never really had much appeal to me: school provided enough social interaction for me back then (and I spent most of my time until the end of third grade without having any specific "best friend"; I just talked/played with anybody when I felt like it). Whatever it was, it did not bother me back then. My childhood (at least until I was 12) was very pleasant for me (in fact, it was by far the best era in my life); I believed I was a normal kid who just happened to have a few uncommon interests and a little shyness.


I only began to feel as if I was not normal (i.e. my "differences" could actually be something bad) around 6th grade, when I was 12 to 13 years old. Thanks to puberty's tendency to turn people into evil bastards, my classmates were beginning to ostracize me during that time. They also called me names like ret*d (which, amusingly, contradicted their frequent claims of me being a "genius"), crazy and so on, but name-calling never had too much of an effect on me; it was the isolation that really did it for me. Even my friends from third grade suddenly stopped talking to me, for some reason I will never know. Eventually, I had to transfer to another school (for unrelated reasons; I transfered because my family moved to another part of the city) and things got worse, since my new classmates did not have the advantage of knowing me since 1st grade.

It was during that time that I began to do what you did and researched about every psychological disorder I could find. Like you, I suspected I could have social anxiety and some unspecified personality disorder, but I never did fit all of the required symptoms. Eventually, I settled for inferiority complex (which I believe I really have; it was even pointed out to me in this forum, even though I had never mentioned it before), but it did not explain everything.


No. It did bother me, but I honestly had no idea of what it was that made my peers perceive me as weird. In fact, I am still not sure of what it is; I can recognize a few weird quirks I have, but I really do not think they are bad enough to justify my lack of interpersonal relationships (I eventually got a few friends after I began to work, but still no girlfriend and I am not anymore sure if I want it, anyway ).


A mix of relief (because I was seriously scared about the possibility of having some disorder that would eventually make me become dependant on others to take care of my basic need, i.e. becoming crazy) and disappointment (because there are times when I actually wish I were normal, even though I am not sure of what is required to be considered normal).

I also am always alone on holidays, except for visiting my daughter and grandkids. I always used to think that my life would be normal someday, but nothing ever changes and I am always alone. I never wanted to be like other people or act like other people, but I always thought I would meet someone like me. They say it is harder to make friends when you get older, but I could never connect with other people. I also like the company of animals, I can relate to them better than to people.