Embarrassing meltdowns

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One would think that at 29 and being high functioning I would save my embarassment and meltdown for the privacy of home, but not.

I had one at wal-mart again. Just because I had to change my plans and abandon a prospective purchase. I love art. Drawing is what I love and do. I was going to spend my money on art supplies and to forgo be wise friends chose to go out to eat instead. I did not have the money to do both, I did not want to be alone I did not want to forego the purchSe. I was hungry, the store was crowded. I just started to cy and yell. "No!" I did not want to buy anything. "No!" I did not want to talk. " No no no no!" I cried and cried like something was totally and irreversibly wrong.

I feel so childish!

I have ADHD where meltdowns are common as well, so I know what you're getting at. I have another friend with ADHD and Autism who threw a meltdown out in public over somebody having a cell phone since that she had never seen before, and she went all crazy over it. She started sobbing tears of sorrow, screaming, running around uncontrollably, self harming and it also involved her destroying a few things from people. This was from a twenty three year old who looks physically normal which got everybody to think that she was faking it, but she was diagnosed with severe Autism.

I think for me the worst part is the angry sobbing. It feels very weird and unnatural and its like my friends are like "why are you upset?" and "talk to me?". I yelled "NO!". I did not want to talk. I did not wan to listen, either. Thank goodness I was out with my gf of 7 years and a very old friend, so they where of help.

But i was so embarrassed. I feel like I am too childish in some ways. It is horrible. All over a set of watercolor pencils that had 4 more shades than the set I already own. >,<

We can relate! We're identical twins so when we have meltdowns, we have them at the same time, which makes us even more embarassed. Crowded places are a big trigger for us, too, especially if there's loud music playing at the same time. We've had meltdowns recently in front of neighbors. We have a neighbor who revs his motorcycle up for hours on end. we went across th street asking him if he could stop and he began mocking us and we began crying, which just made him mock even more. We've had meltdowns pretty much everywhere though and our whole family doesn't really like to have us over anymore becaue of them (except one aunt who has an autisitc grandson so she understands). We've jsut become semi-hermits with a few safe places we go to. We've faced we'll never be able to live like normal people because we just get too overstimulated .

A couple of years ago I was having sandwiches at Starbucks with two NT friends. They were ready to leave and go shopping without ordering any dessert. Now, I'd got into the habit of finishing with a toffee pie every time I went in, but they insisted on missing that because "it didn't matter". I hadn't been diagnosed, so however much I protested that it was important to my stability, they just rolled their eyes and walked away. Needless to say I was in a foul mood the rest of the trip, and just stood slouched with my arms folded in every shop and refused to speak. What a huffy little cow I must have looked - but I believe I had the right to order and pay for whatever I wanted.

With me I generally become overcome with rage but still try to bottle it up and tell myself that I am fine and behaving perfectly rationally (I think this links in to my problems identifying my own emotions as they happen). A few weeks ago I was on a bus and the driver said he could not pay me the 10p change he owed for the ticked. I have a real problem with blowing minor injustices into catastrophes and this is a perfect example. I refused to accept this (I think he didn't have any change left or didn't have any change small enough or something) and became very very argumentative. Not violent in any way but just, you know, a nightmare to deal with. Convinced that I was not going to let him get away with this travesty, I took out my phone and took photos of the bus ID number and of the driver. He seriously did not like this, closed the doors with me inside and started driving off - he said he was taking me to the police station because I am not allowed to photograph him (BS of course but that's really beside the point). As he was pulling away from the bus station I pressed the emergency door release button and jumped out of the moving bus. I was shaking all over and almost in tears with it all. I had just lost control without realising it.

I am a grown man with a wife and a good job but can't seem to help acting like this sometimes and it is hugely embarrassing.

Another example was a few weeks earlier when I was trying to empty the kitchen bin. The bag split and I had trouble wrapping another bag around it and, in the space of about a minute I had gone from feeling fine to having to leave everything where it was, take myself to another room and sit in the dark shaking, sweating and hyperventilating. 20 minutes later my wife arrived home and thought someone had died or something given the way I was.

I used to get the full-blown outward physical anger tantrums when I was a child but I have gradually tried to keep things non-physical at all costs.

I read somewhere that a person on the spectrum having a meltdown isn't actually childish, although it just looks childish to people that don't have a clue.

I have got self-control and would never have a meltdown in public because I'm too afraid ot the embarrassment it will cause for me, and also my loss of dignity. I am hypersensitive to what others think, so I don't really want to put myself into that situation if I can help it. It completely draws attention to you and can attract bullies, especially if it's local and they may recognise you afterwards and look upon you as a ''nutcase'' (although that's not the case, but a bully isn't going to consider that).

I remember when I was age 12-14 I went through a phase where I kept getting too distressed when babies cried or screamed near me in public places (I still do now but I have learnt to keep my cool). I used to swear and stamp my feet and complain on and on about it, and sometimes it caught attention of other people nearby, although I didn't sound dangerous of threatening. I was just a bit embarrassing.