HELP!

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Okay, here's the thing: I'm a male Aspie, married with kids. I received my dx in 2008, six years into my marriage. To make a long story short, our life together has been a struggle. We argue constantly, and yes, a large part of it has to do with my AS. The stress, anxiety, perfectionism, etc., make things so difficult. I DO believe Aspies can be married successfully as long as their partner understands and accepts them. I don't mean AS is an excuse for abuse or that the Aspie has to have his way all the time, mind you. I have my share of meltdowns just like any other Aspie, and it's never pretty.

NOW, here's where I'm facing probably the biggest moral dilemma of my life. There's a woman at work (of course!) who totally "gets" me - and I mean that sincerely. I don't think she's an Aspie, although it wouldn't surprise me at all if she were. We have nearly everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - in common. I will readily admit that I'm very attracted to her, and I firmly believe the feeling is mutual. I've gotten to know her over the past two years, so "infatuated" probably wouldn't be the right term. We work very closely together out of necessity, so it's not like I can avoid her; I don't know that I would, anyway. Before everyone starts bashing me as a dog, please understand that I know right from wrong. My dilemma is, what do I do? My wife, whom I love, and I have talked separation, up to and including divorce. She knows as well as I do that we're not going to make it the way we're going. My wife, quite frankly, doesn't accept my AS. My kids suffer the most because of the incompatibility between my wife and me. Our marriage was sudden, and I wish I would have known then what I know now. Has ANYONE ever gone through anything like this? And again, please don't bring out the knives; I'm truly in emotional agony right now. Thank you.

I know how you feel. When you have an NT partner, and the differences between you are impossible to overcome because you can't change you being Aspie and your partner being NT, it's very difficult.

I am Aspie and my husband is NT, we also have children (two). I do think about how different it would be if I was with another Aspie sometimes. I mean, unless your partner is willing to try and understand, unless there can be some mutual compromise (which as an Aspie is very hard anyway), it's never going to be great at the best of times.

Have you tried relationship counselling? If you haven't yet, it might be worth doing so. It's amazing what people hold inside and you might learn things about each other that could bring you to a better understanding.

As to being attracted to your colleague, well everyone can be attracted to people other than their partner at times, that's life. You can't change that. What you can change is what you do together about your marriage before resorting to anything else.

Thank you, whirlingmind, for your response. My wife absolutely refuses to get counseling; she's very self-centered, and I realize how funny that probably sounds coming from an Aspie. I very much want my marriage to work, but after 10 years, it's becoming painfully obvious that it might never. Enter my friend from work: As I said, I truly don't believe it's infatuation because it's going on two years that I've known her and she "gets" me. We've never expressed our feelings openly, but I've been around long enough to know how to recognize the signs, even for an Aspie. She stands close to me, strokes her hair, laughs at my jokes, etc. But it goes beyond that: She truly is interested in me. There's flirting, yes, but we don't just talk about TV shows, for example. In many ways, I feel guilty because of my feelings, but in many other ways I don't because I realize that my wife will NEVER accept me for who I truly am. As I said, this is killing me emotionally.

EDITED FOR CLARITY

I was married to a NT and it lasted 14 years before it became a divorce.

After the divorce (5 years) I met a girl at work. I was shipping and receiving and she was accounts payable. The first year we just talked paperwork when I went upstairs. The second year she was coming down to help in receiving when accounts was slow.
The third year she was my official girlfriend and life had never been so fine. Even the good parts of the marriage were not this good, she had spent years as a medical center receptionist and was well read and open minded.

Your story brings this all back. Wonderful feelings.

We were going to be married, serious.
Until I had a fine meltdown in her living room. A very bad combination of words and subject matter caused a wave of emotion I could not face. I knew it was happening but nothing could stop it

The difference between hypothetical and the reality of a "1000 yard stare" from someone you thought you knew cannot be overstated.

We did not get married. We worked at the same place four more years but she did not come down to help anymore.
A workplace romance shows each other the work face. I have very few meltdowns on the job.
Take the romance home and a bad episode is no longer private or a story heard about. She asked me if she was in danger.

That hurt the most, but an NT really does not know. She believed me and were cordial for many years after, but not intimate.

No advice, just what happened to me.

If you did not have children, my answer would be different. But you do.

You made a commitment to your wife, and she to you. You changed the nature of that commitment the day you had children.

If the two of you are no longer able to keep up that commitment and you believe it is harming your children, you may need to bring an end to that commitment.

But it needs to be 100% separate from any other human being. As Phaeton already pointed out, a workplace relationship is not the same as a non-workplace relationship and I am sure your wife has seen a side of you that this woman never has. She may or may not be up for it. At this point you cannot know.

My advice would be, the two of you need to have a very long conversation and you need to decide if this is going to work. If you decide you are going to make it work, you need to come up with a plan to address your issues and both of you need to be willing to work on it. I do not believe that always requires a therapist, though I do think outside eyes help. If you decide it cannot work, you need to proceed to securing a separation and a divorce, but during this time you must not act on your feelings for this other woman. She cannot be a part of it. If the two of you are meant to be, then it can wait another year. If you and your wife are going to split and you are planning on not devastating your children, you both are going to have to pour all of your effort into keeping the divorce proceedings amicable.

FWIW, my husband and I split a year ago. After 20+ years. Keeping things amicable was like a full-time job for both of us, but my kids have come through it pretty much unscathed (as far as family break-ups are concerned). Ironically, after a year of separation, it appears we have both decided we were better off together, despite many of the problems we had and we are now trying to figure out if there is a viable way for us to stay together.

Your wife will be a part of your life for the rest of your life. My advice to you is to keep that at the top of your head and do not do anything that will make the woman a mortal enemy. I have a friend who did not heed this advice and 3 years later, he and his ex are still acting like children and their kid is the one who suffers the most.

All of this advice is given, of course, with the understanding that I do not know you or your wife, so I could be 100% off.

Thank you, Phaeton. You stated that your comment wasn't intended as advice, but I'll take it that way anyway because it's a good cautionary tale. The woman in question has never seen one of my meltdowns (like you, I'm able to contain them at work), but she has done a lot of studying about AS, so she's aware of it at least. The very fact that she has taken the time to study AS shows her interest in me, I believe, if nothing else. Again, she has never actually said anything regarding feelings for me, if she even has them. After all, I'm an Aspie and I tend to get things wrong. Who knows? This might just be a phase and I'll be sitting here in five years with my wife. As for now, though, I'm going crazy.

InThis, you're exactly right concerning the kids. I love them dearly and would never do anything to hurt them intentionally. Even at their young ages, they know how much stress exists in this house, and I believe that harms them as much as a separation would, perhaps even more. My wife expects me to change, and I have in many respects (or at least made adjustments as best I can). The thing is, the woman at work (I guess I need to give her a fictitious name for the sake of brevity: "Susan") is part of my life for 40 hours a week at least; she sits 20 feet from me. Now, that doesn't mean that I have to be involved with her emotionally outside of work, of course, but I think it's safe to say that we crossed into Emotional Affair territory quite a while ago. At the very least, she's my "work wife." I agree with you that this needs to be handled step by step, appropriately, as things develop. Patience.

Rascal, no hurt feelings at all. I truly appreciate your bluntness. My goal, whatever the outcome may be, is to do what's right. My kids are my life, and I'd die before I'd hurt them.

Another excellent post, whirlingmind. Thank you. If I had my preference, I'd work things out with my wife, of course. In many ways - and I'm not trying to pass blame - my wife's refusal to even consider counseling, when she knows full well that we have a huge problem, is driving me away. Again, I'm not trying to use that as an excuse; I certainly have my hangups and have contributed my share of misery to her over the years. But here's what I'm dealing with, for example: The other day before I left for work, the morning after yet another blowup, I asked her to just list a few things that she thinks I need to work on and a few things that she needs to work on. I told her that I would do the same, and we'd go over the lists that night after work (she stays home during the day). When I returned home that evening, after dinner and helping the kids with their homework, I went to the bedroom and pulled out my lists. I completed my lists during my lunch hour, and the items listed were well thought out; I put a lot of effort into it. Of course, my wife hadn't listed anything. When I asked her why not, she said, "I'll do it when I get around to it." THAT's what I'm facing. And I don't say that as Exhibit A of "poor me." It's just the reality - and the misery - that I'm living with.

My apologies, Rascal. I think I confused your response with someone else's.

Emotional affairs are dangerous, and I think the intensity of the feelings are often the result of documented psychological phenomenon.

(Can anyone remember the specifics of the footsie experiments? --I do not think others call them that, probably only me--The gist is that when people were told to covertly cheat on a game by using their feet under the table, they viewed their partner in a much more positive light, whereas people who were openly cheating by using their feet under the table did not--or so my brain vaguely remembers). IOW, part of the attraction is the clandestine nature of it all.

Another thing that I think people fail to consider: When you spend 40 hours a week with someone and the majority of the contact is positive or pleasant (as usually is in the workplace) you tend to associate that person with positive feelings. Then look at your partner, who you might spend 20 hours a week with (or less) and who you often have to confront problems with (finances, childrearing, division of labor regarding household chores, etc) and you naturally associate that person with negative feelings. I believe you need to find positive experiences to have with your wife to try to balance things out for both of you.

I can also tell you that your wife would describe your circumstances in a very different way than you would. My husband's description of what happened is very different from mine. I can see where he is coming from. The reality lies somewhere in between my experience and his.

And as a cautionary tale, I once knew someone who knew her fiance had bipolar disorder. She was very well-read on the subject and very prepared for a manic episode. Totally thought she could handle it and had all the "book smarts" type of knowledge one could possibly had. She left after the first manic episode because even though she had a logical and rational understanding of what it all meant, she could not deal with the reality of it. And she is a very tolerant, loving and open person. Susan "knowing" about AS does not necessarily mean she will be able to cope with it's reality when she has to actually face it, especially because you will appear to be an entirely different person that she thought she knew. On the other hand, my dad is an undiagnosed Aspie and my mom handled it her whole life without ever having heard the word.

FWIW, I would stop the emotional affair. Do not spend more time with Susan than you must to do your work and do not discuss non-work related topics. If she respects you, she will respect this and allow you to figure out what you are going to do about your commitment to your wife and family. She needs to be out of the picture, because she is not part of the picture of your family. It is inappropriate and a violation of the promise you made.