Do Female Aspies Have A Dating Advantage?

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Mr. L. If you find it tough to be rejected, maybe you should stop hitting on everything with a pulse, and be a bit more careful with whom you approach. Just sayin'

Hint: Being desperate is the worst thing you can do if you want to get a date, Aspie or not. Maybe it is not the poor social skills that are your main problem (social awkwardness can even be cute), maybe it is that fact that you try too hard.
Girls want to feel special, and if we see that a guy is hitting on everyone else too, well then he clearly doesn't really care about us. He just wants to get laid by somebody, anybody. No matter how handsome and NT he is, he will be rejected, because girls don't want to be just a 'hole', we want to be loved for who we are. Can you really blame us for that?

And please cut the crap about it being easy for AS girls. It is NOT! Maybe my looks give me an advantage, but it is nothing I can't ruin completely the moment I open my mouth!

Love is hard. Watch every movie ever made, and you will see that love is not easy for anyone.

Yes, they have a dating advantage.

Now what? What does that change for your case? How does it affect your disadvantage?


Just deal with your circumstances.

That would be like me keep saying "Americans have a better quality life".

What does this change for me?

The first mistake of yours, why you are having that bad chances, is that man would do the first move. As you can read from scientific reports the first moves happen to both. So with simple bodylanguage, eye movement ... you form a link and if both agree, according to NT body language and eye contact, then the thing that thought to be the first step is made, the verbal contact.

So the problem is not, that you are not a woman, the problem is that you are an Asperger and as Asperger women lack the knowlege of propper bodyreading, facereading and eyecontactinformations, which also leads to yourself being unaware of such things.

That means you are not or worse sending any women an information of you being interested, and you yourself cant see if a woman would have an interest in her on her own. This naturally leeds to the situation that there is no agreement between you and a woman, that you both want to have a next step.

Even more, people with good abilities of nonverbal communications have better chances because peoples behaviour depend on their mood. As example you are in a bar with 50 women. So while you stand around and mourning why you have to ask all 50 women that are in the room with you, men that have more experience in body language are able to get clues which of the ladies generally are interested of getting someones attention and whos not. So while you still run around the 50 woman, the nonverbal expert easily reduced the numbers to 10 possbile women he can concentrate at. While you are still running around the 50 woman, the nonverbal expert seeks short nonverbal contact with the 10 women, and is able to receive information that tells him that about 6 are not the sort of he is interested or are not intersted on him. So in the time, when you maybe have to talked to your 5th woman out of 50 on an evening, the nonverbal expert already knows the 4 woman out of 50, without a word of talking.

Worsening for you, asking every woman, ignoring any nonverbal signs of her, gives you the appearance of someone who doesnt care anyway to find "someone special". So when a women sees that you are "working" on one unintersted woman after the other, they get the impression that you dont are intersted in the womens themself, but just one any women. According to NT-flirt rules this is a nogo. So even if you would just seek for any women, NT expectations are that you still pretend do seek for someone special.

The problem is: The description of flirting at the beginning is the actual accepted way of starting things between men and women. Suddenly interrupting someone, who didnt agree with you to do so by nonverbal communication, is as if you would go as foreigner into a random house, ignore the door bell and simply step into the living room and then whonder why the hell, the people living in the house are not happy about you and your behaviour.

So instead of inventing curious new theories maybe use more time on reading of actual scientific knowledge,

And if it helps you: I myself dont manage either, to send the messages I want through nonverbal communciation, so I am unable to send someone through nonverbal communication my interest on him or my agreement to any next steps by will, neither am I able to see if a men is interested in me and tries to communicate with me nonverbal.

A proverb of my language is fitting pretty well to describe my abilities, it is about "doing diplomacy with a sledgehammer". Beside the fact, that people that are themselfs able to read nonverbal communication, are also able to understand that something about me is not alright and "wrong". So Sorry, no guys after guys.

My advices would be: Completely ignore the typical flirt markets where you are reduced to you abilities of nonverbal communciation like Bars, Discos, ... this never worked for me and I failed completely. No chance. Instad I would try to enlarge the number of people I have regularly contact. So joining clubs about your hobby and interests for example, so you are able to meet more people, on a long term. While flirting on bars etc. depends on very few seconds in which people depend without you talking to them, if they are interested in you, people that you meed around shared hobbies and interests normally are more relaxed and more willing to talk with you and you have more time to find out, if you yourself are interested, if the opposite is interested and so on... A friend of mine also made good experience with parship, an online website that gave her the possibility to have the first contacts through writing instead of body language. Or you try to enhance your social abilities, maybe through watching others, so you maybe could learn nonverbal communication. Hope you find a way that works for you.

holy wow i need to make a gilded frame for that post in my mind^^^. that is pure genius right there, Scheekugel. i suspected something similar but could not perceive it so clearly.

Schneekugel, I've been in clubs a lot, as both a hunter (rarely) and as a "gay friend," and most of what you say is true. I'd also add that ignoring girl friend-dynamics is typically fatal in these environments.

If a girl has a friend with her (nearly all girls in clubs do), you better have a wing man who can distract her friend. One of you better be very attractive and have a good personality. Two aspies just aren't going to cut it. One guy approaching two girls just never works, unless he his Matt Damon. Two awkward guys approaching two girls never works either.

Last edited by Tyri0n on 15 Feb 2013, 8:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Guys say they'd never date someone like me. Whatever. I'm not looking for a boyfriend.
Guys never approach me because they fear me. Or at least, they say so. For some weird, silly reason they fear me. Whatever.
I don't really care if guys approach me or not. I don't want to end up like my beautiful classmate Sarah, that has almost every guy of my school around her. I couldn't bear all those people around me.

I studied pickup for over a year, learning indirect and switching entirely to the direct method; I don't use silly routines or games to fool girls anymore and it has worked a lot better for me however being unable to read social cues has made all my efforts useless.

The last time I went to a club I number closed 3 out of five approaches. Prior to this I number closed five out of six. All went nowhere as numbers recieved in a club have a higher ratio of being fake; also because Alcohol is involved, the girl will often not remember the guy the next day which is the same as I don't remember the majority of girls I get numbers from like this. I typically go without a wing however it is very diffuclt to go wingless; when I had a wing once it made all the difference as I just had him stand their and then closed the girl in front of her friend, I had a lot of skill when getting numbers before I got completely frustrated with the Asper's thing. I prefer meeting girls during the day as the girl is more receptive and likely to actually engage you if you call her for a date (still for me this one can be very rough; not always getting the number but getting a date).



The problem for me is that I can stimulate her mind but a man must also be able to take the lead and direct the woman back to bedroom; I have a hard time escalating and reading the cues from the woman that tell me what she's feeling. I understand what you are saying though; it's just that there is a lot of pressure on men to be men and despite what you may think, the guy has to make the first move; no matter how attractive a mans intelligence makes you feel, a guy that cannot escalate a conversation looks unconfident and eventually the woman will get bored and move on. I am not putting words in your mouth either and I know that you and all women are more than sexual objects however understanding attraction and being able to follow along with the points of attraction are important. If a woman is very receptive and a man has no idea she will just walk away; I have had this happen to me a number of times.




Schneekugel I recently suspected as much and purchased a book on sex signals to help figure out the different signals women send (still waiting for it to arrive). You are absolutely right, I am damn impressed at your ability to get to the bottom line; going from one woman to another really does lower your value; also it waist so much time. By determining the 4 women out of 50 that are receptive, you are increasing your changes of getting laid or even finding a person who is interested in you significantly. 50 women is a terrible waist; also women seeing you going for woman after woman definetely shows that you aren't interested in the woman themselves and means you are going for the quick lay so indeed you are just working your way around the bar or club. I have been considering using meetup.com to find groups where I can meet others with similar interest. your post has really made the difference for me because I am one hard working aspie guy in this sense. I actually got out their and put out the effort but all the effort in the world is worthless if you are unable to understand non-verbal communication. At one point I was incredible shape, and in the end wound up with a crappy girl the irony is I was sitting at barnes and nobles and she began laughing across the table and giving me cues that she wanted me to speak to her. Kinda crazy but you aren't wrong; being able to read body language and non-verbal cues means the world. You Ms. are a genius. You will likely deny this but these are things guys simply don't learn.




Why do guys say this? Is it due to close body language; do you constantly have a serious and intimidating face? If you look likes someone that will yell at a guy or has baggage, it makes it more difficult to approach you.

I think it is slightly easier for a female on the spectrum to find a date than it is for a male. A lot of males on the spectrum can be quite ''geeky'', and I have read somewhere that many girls find geekiness as a turn off. Sad, but true. And this doesn't just apply to Aspie males. I've known NT males who severely lack confidence that find it hard getting a girlfriend, while males with more confidence seem to find themselves a girlfriend quicker. My brother is not on the spectrum, but he does have extremely low self-esteem and has no will power at all (he smokes like anything, eats like anything and is rapidly putting on weight, and he doesn't seem to have the confidence to change his appearance either). And he's in his 20s but still can't find a girlfriend, while some of his male mates (who are more confident/cocky than he is) all seem to have girlfriends.

I'm a true Aspie, but I've been asked out before (by NT males), even though I am incredibly shy and unconfident, and I don't go out of my way to wear make-up either. But for some reason I find myself backing away from relationships, probably because I'm so obsessed with bus-drivers that I seem to just be waiting for a bus-driver to ask me out. Plus I can recognise flirting, so I can detect when a man is flirting or when he's trying to ask me out (or both). I'm not so good at flirting back, but I still show that I like it.

I can't even be bothered to read the rest of the thread after the first 2 pages, OP's opinions are sexist, inaccurate and unresearched.

OP: You are wrong. On so many fronts.

Helpful tone.

Yes. Yes they do for a whole bunch of reasons.

So the period in your life where you became a biological woman and experienced the truth of your words was when..? Pray do tell, I'm just agog.

A blatant fallacy.

What is? It would seem that you are one of those posters who just like to post to inflame, without knowing what they are talking about. If I had been a male Aspie then I would feel confident to state my opinion as fact on the matter of how males are affected by AS. I would still not purport to know what it was like for a female Aspie, letalone with such certainty. As it is, as a female I can confidently state that what you say is entirely false. Fullstop. You may refute it as much as you like, it won't change the facts of the situation, so just carry on regardless.

What is? Your thinking.

Was the original quote i quoted not flaming? I think it was.

I know very well what I'm talking about. I have dated 100's of women and I have a vast amount of knowledge about this.

I didnt say I know what its like for women but i can confirm the game is set up this way for societal advancement. Its just a fact. Of course if the woman is not so good looking then the advantages accrue much less. But nevertheless in general they certainly do have advantages.

Men being sexually more simplistic means its easier for women to get positive bias - if she it hot.
Women have far more cues than just look hence its harder. Even good looks will only get you so far with most women. Whereas they will get you ALL the way with a guy.

If this is false" then thats just your subjective experience not a broad fact...............dont confuse the two.

You make this statement but can you view things from a guys perspective? You talk about being unbiased but have you tried to look at how things work on the guys end? Many Aspie guys never talk to a single girl; many never have children. Aspie girls may have difficulty recognizing what flirting is or understanding how to flirt however Aspie guy typically don't even reach this point. Many aspie guys are in relationships because a girl made the first move; in most cases this is not typical. I don't belittle the differences and I recognize that Apsie girls have their own difficulties however I firmly believe that they still have more options. Regardless if Aspie girls don't like guys approaching them, guess what; you still get the opportunity. The guy approaching is automatically receptive before you open your mouth. If you look at the other threads in general, women are the one's that have at-least experienced a relationship or had an opportunity. If you want facts, check out this article from the NY times http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/200 ... questions/ roughly 80% of women reproduce versus 40% of men. The vast majority of those guys will be NT's so this leaves you to only imagine that if so many NT's have a difficult time with reproduction, then the chances of Aspie males reproducing is even greatly lowered; for all we know it could be something like 20%. I can see things from your perspective so why can't you at-least try to put yourself in a guys shoes without calling experiences of others sexist. Disagreeing with you doesn't make me sexist, defending my point doesn't make me sexist; being arrogant and not considering your point of view would make me arrogant but also not sexist. You have shown inflexibility to see anything outside of the female scope so what does that make you?



You aren't really providing anything to counter argue the point other than repeatedly stating that because you are a female your opinion on female Aspie relationships is supreme and guys know nothing. Much of what we discuss is what we have experienced and seen first hand.http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/08/20/is-there-anything-good-about-men-and-other-tricky-questions/

Last edited by mrL on 15 Feb 2013, 12:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.