Do Female Aspies Have A Dating Advantage?

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I got the "I fear you" think a lot in my 20s. It was an interesting reaction, at the very least. It didn't bother me, but I didn't even try to start working out what might be going on there until recently. I still have no idea, though.

You may be acknowledging my points, but you're dismissing them as if they mean nothing. It's really frustrating that you keep saying this that and the other about women that just isn't true, and you state it as if it is fact. I know that men have trouble dating, but I also know that women do too. They are different situations that cannot be compared in the way that you are trying to compare them. Each person has a totally different way of dealing with things and one situation that may seem like a good thing to one person is a horrible thing to the person dealing with it.
Women do not have a better time with dating than men, nor do men have a better time. They are both difficult situations.

And in a way, yes it is putting women on a pedestal, because you are initially saying they are better at certain things (which is not true). It's like you just keep playing a victim card. I really hope you stop being so insulting and mean to women.

Last edited by kamiyu910 on 15 Feb 2013, 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am indeed respectful of the opposite sex, I was hoping to point out the difference and struggles us guys face just like on the 3rd page of the article you posted which outlined the fears on rejection. The statement was not meant to be generalized (As an Aspie it can be difficult to convey tone and intent especially when utilizing only written text as text conveys no tone). It appears that these types of topics that surround gender will always end up being split somewhere down the middle because perceptions can simply be so different due to different circumstances.



This was kind of the real point I was getting at, much of the time its difficult for a guy to even get to the stage of a crappy relationship; it's easier to say how terrible a crappy relationship is when you have experienced them but in my case and the case of many other guys, we don't even get to experience these kinds of relationships; if a person never has relationship experiences (including bad ones), then how can they learn to tell the good relationships from the bad ones?

EDIT: I find it a bit demeaning when you refer to men you don't find appealing as d*che b*gs; it kind of generalizes guys. Just because a guy is not appealing to you doesn't make him a d*che b*g.

Last edited by mrL on 15 Feb 2013, 2:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am too tired to go round the merry-go-round with this. I have not stated my opinion is supreme at all, merely that as a female Aspie, I can tell you that you are wrong. I could go searching for research and articles to back up what I am saying, but the bias is still far more to studying males with the condition so I don't have the time to spend rooting articles out. However, here is one:

http://www.kmarshack.com/Asperger-Syndrome.html


I have not said at all that I don't understand that Aspie males have problems. But there is a sexist view that Aspie females just don't have the same issues and we do. I'm just redressing the balance. You say that what you believe is based on what you have experienced first hand ("we") but then below answeraspergers says ... so I could say the same about your experiences. The deficits are the same whether the person is male or female, it is a spectrum based on everyone as an individual not whether they are male or female.



I said inflame not flaming. Two entirely different things for starters. Bully for you, dating 100's of women - do you want a medal?! That still doesn't mean you know what you are talking about. Many men seem to equate bonking a woman with dating a woman - again two entirely different things. You only need to be able to carry out the physical act of sex to bonk but it takes a whole lot more to have a successful relationship. You've proved what I mean by stating that if a woman is "hot" (what a demeaning and ridiculous term in itself) she can get a positive bias - being attractive does not guarantee a relationship, and doesn't even necessarily guarantee bonking! If a beautiful woman appears mentally 'off' in some way many men would be too scared regardless of what she looks like.

Last edited by whirlingmind on 15 Feb 2013, 2:27 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Only been approached by someone who did not want directions or something three times. On e was to dance I said yes and he dragged me to the dance floor and said "as if!" And walked away . The second time was ask me if I was interested in a quick screw and the third to rape me. I was soooo lucky with men.

And I can certainly see, understand and respect your perspective. I will simply agree to disagree. Thank you for sharing your opinions.

Last edited by mrL on 15 Feb 2013, 2:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The mistake you keep making is that you keep saying that you know what autistic women experience better than multiple autistic women who have told you that your assumptions are wrong.

No one is telling you that your dating problems aren't real (although I think that hyperlexian's link is one of the driving reasons behind many of the problems described), but you seem to think you're qualified to describe exactly what it is like to be autistic and female, and qualified to contradict autistic women who say "No, it is not like that" because it doesn't fit into your neat little worldview where you get to be the victim.

When it comes to dating and relationships with men, women are under a lot of pressure. More pressure than you might realize, even though you almost certainly participate in applying that pressure. And what I mean by that is referenced in hyperlexian's link, where the writer talks about men not only feeling entitled to relationships with women, but entitled to relationships with "hot" women. But that pressure to be attractive isn't just limited to relationships. It's everywhere. It's in magazines, movies, everything. There's this unrealistic and often impossible idealization of what womanhood should be that many many many women cannot meet. And this is even more difficult for autistic women because some of the traits associated with womanhood and femininity happen to match up fairly closely to autistic impairments. And failing to live up to these things is more likely to provoke harsh criticism from men and other women than it is to net relationships.

So here's the thing: Being frustrated with not being able to find a relationship is a valid frustration. It's okay to find this frustrating and upsetting and have a need to process it. Dragging women into your psychodrama like you have is not okay. None of us are here to validate your feelings of victimhood and your belief that autistic women just plain have it better. We all have problems, and that's why we're here on this forum in the first place. None of us are obligated to agree with you, and telling us we're wrong because you believe otherwise is literally getting you nowhere.



This is one of the most ignorant and dismissive comments I have ever read on this forum.

An abusive relationship is significantly worse than no relationship at all. Being single isn't going to ever give you PTSD. Being in an abusive relationship is not a valuable learning experience. It does not teach you how to avoid abusive relationships. It is not a good thing to be in constant fear from your so-called "significant other." It is not an advantage to feel so trapped that you cannot get away, or when you get away, fear impending violence up to and including the possibility of murder because your ex thinks he or she has such a claim on you that they can lash out at you in violent - even lethal - ways.

I didn't know it was such an advantage for me to literally panic when something goes wrong because my expectation is that I will be blamed for it because that's how things were when I was in an abusive relationship. I didn't know it was such an advantage to experience panic attacks when I see my ex's name (even if the person with that name is not my actual ex). I did not know that it was an advantage, right after I left my ex, to experience severe and debilitating panic attacks when she called or sent an e-mail. I did not know it was an advantage to have my ex essentially steal most of what I had up to and including my cat to use as emotional manipulation to convince me to return. I did not know it was an advantage to be economically controlled, to the point of berating me for not having a job, but screening my calls for interviews so I would never know about it. I did not know it was an advantage to have someone do their level best to cut me off from everyone else so I'd only have her to rely on. Oh, and I almost forgot the near rape experience.

Well, thank you for showing me the light. I wouldn't wish a relationship as advantageous as mine on my worst enemy, but if you really think it's that great, feel free to seek one out. Just don't forget the therapy once you get away. I did, and it did me no favors.

Yes, the above two paragraphs are sarcasm.

That is a generalization and sexist!

The reason abuse keeps coming up is because abuse is that big of a deal in female autism.

More than 1/3 of females with autism have been sexually abused by the time they turn 18.

Then you look at physical but non-sexual abuse, and verbal or emotional abuse too (which I don't have numbers for, but are generally even higher)... I don't have a citation off the top of my head, but I'm pretty sure I've read multiple places that a majority of females with Asperger's have been abused.

It's just that bad. It's not a fear of abuse because of rejection. It's knowledge that it actually happens that much. It's not anxiety, its logically paying attention to whether we are watching out for ourselves.

Is that what you got out of my post? After you've made numerous sexist generalizations about autistic women in this thread, one statement that you as a man who seeks a relationship with a woman is part of the system that applies pressure to women to conform to societal standards of beauty and sexual availability and complains because women aren't sexually available enough to you is all you can respond to? You can't even be bothered to respond to the points I made about abusive relationships?

Calling women "hot" and equating men wanting to get laid with relationships is not respecting women.

I think you'll find XFilesGeek meant by the term douchebags was not men in general, if you look how she used it. I took it to mean men who were only interested in one thing and had no value in the woman as a person, just what they could get out of them. I am starting to agree with others that you are playing the victim a little too much.

How on earth can you say a crappy relationship is better than no relationship at all. How can you feel so hard done by not to have had a crappy relationship?! Your life could be forever scarred by one bad relationship, you could lose so much from a bad relationship. At least you have your freedom as a single person, and there is always hope for better to come.

How can you disagree in the face of so much evidence from the females answering you on this thread!

I think it's pointless me posting on this thread any more. There is no getting through to some people.

I don't look so serious. I actually laugh and joke a lot, even though people never get my jokes. Maybe it's because my sense of humor. It's a bit dark at times. My friend says people could get creeped out because of that.
About my body language, I don't really know. Though people have said me that I look like an elephant or a rhino when I walk.

*claps* well said verdandi.

A good relationship isn't easy. I had to do the first move.
I had to deal with being blamed with being told that as a woman more common sense was expected of me. Some people here know the story. Things are going ok now but it took years of crying, of shame and confusion.

You will never, ever know how vulnerable a woman who can't tell the. Bad intensions of others can be. You will never know how it feels to be raped and blamed for it. That I must have domne something to make this man want to hurt me in the most private places a human body has.

You will never know how hard it is to walk into a store full of women and being labeled. You know how many years I got beat in school for being the odd girl? How many guys used me as valentines pranks. How many years we suffer.

Girls have a dating advantage over guys. And we're talking NTs.
Some guys have a huge dating advantage - we're talking the alpha males (often mixed up with "the bad guys").
Fact: about 20% of men have all the "fun". Then girls become less attractive as they age and becomes less appealing to the
"players" . They can still get laid easily, but the guys they truly want are not willing to commit (and they want commitment because their biological clock is ticking). So suddenly the nerdy computer programmer (albeit not too nerdy) seems like a good compromise. He might not be the guy that gets her juices flowing, but he seems like a good provider that she could raise her kids with (that might not even be his).

Now take your stereotype male aspie. He's not confident, he might have social anxiety, bad body language (not very appealing to women). It's like 10 times less attractive than the "good guy" (for casual encounters) without the benefits.
Aspies are generally not good providers. Of those who can keep a steady job- most usually have a lone-wolf mentality and are not very family-oriented. Many don't even want kids. Those who have successfully raised kids - have proven that they are an exception to the "rule". All this is in high demand. Having AS is worse than being short, fat, bold. When I go out, I am on a rare occasions approached by women. They like that I'm tall and I've heard that I'm good looking. Yet I have nothing to show for it, I dont pick up on social cues, I'm not very confident or dominant. It's expected as a guy, that you take the lead and show interest. Of those women who approach me, most lose interest when they see I'm "damaged goods".

I think both aspie men and women have their own problems. AS women are alienated from female peers to a greater extent
because social skills, empathy etc. is very integral to female identity and bonding. While for guys it isn't. If you- as a guy go on about feelings you're might be called a "p****" or even "gay".

It's hard for AS girls because their flirting is very subliminal and based on body language and cues (playing with their hair etc),
but it's also easier because the male approach is usually very direct. Though if you asked 2 girls (one attractive with AS and one average NT girl) and 2 guys (same conditions) to pick up members of the opposite sex. You'd expect:

a) the girl with AS to get hit on the most - but maybe turning down offers or not knowing what to do with them. They'd still be interested though.
b) the average looking girl to get hit on.
c) The AS guy to fear approach making awkward approach where the women would seem interested at first but quickly lose interest.
d) the average guy would not seem very appealing at first, but would get his share of potential suitors.

So having AS- you might not be ultimate seductress or sex-goddess, but contrary to what you might think that's not what most men desire - because they couldn't handle it.
Many guys find shy,nerdy girls attractive. Sadly, most girls find the same qualities very unattractive (when they are young)
in guys - though they try desperately to convince themself that they want a "nice guy" (often mixed up with guys who are just passive and unassertive and nsecure, but not actually nice).

There are plenty of desperate women who will date anyone, as there are desperate men who will date anyone (druggies, aesthetically challenged, mental illness, or just plain unpleasant in personality). You probably just ignore these women in favor of going for the ones to whom you're attracted. I think you can safely assume that some of them would say "yes" if you approached them. I would post pictures; however, I think some members would find this to be offensive, but what I say is self-evident.

Now, put yourself in the place of a woman who is unable or unwilling to do the approaching (most aspie women). What if, in this counterfacual, the possible partners you currently ignore (and perhaps think are hideous) are the only ones who approach you? Of course, in this counterfactual, you do get approached more than you do now. But you really haven't changed your position at all: the only possible partners available to you are those with whom you really couldn't see yourself. But would you say "dating" is any easier or that you have a "dating advantage" in this counterfactual?

My guess is that aspie women typically get approached by men of the same low quality as the women who would typically say yes if approached by an aspie man.

Seems like it's exactly the same thing, but viewed from a different angle.

My HFA little girl has played with her hair since she was a baby - playing with hair is not flirting! Perhaps in the NT world but I doubt in the Aspie world (not unless it's a stim).

A beautiful AS girl who is shy and nerdy might appeal for getting laid, but not necessarily for long-term relationship material. And if they do make it that far, I expect the divorce rates are high once the male realises that his AS wife can't cope with the demands of being a wife and mother. This is yet another example of stereotyping Aspie women by another male.

How do you know what Aspie females find attractive in a man? Generalising is unhelpful.

I popped back into the thread seeing a different poster, thinking maybe common sense was at last prevailing, clearly not, so I won't visit this thread again!