Questions About Autistic Boyfriend's Behavior

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Hi there everybody -

I've been dating my autistic boyfriend for almost four months now and I'm running into some things that are becoming difficult to deal with. I wanted to get some input on this from all of you. Everyone I talk to about this is NT and is interpreting it as him being an "as*hole", which isn't helping me to deal with it, so I was hoping that by speaking to some people who also have ASD I'd be able to get some better insight.

I'm noticing an extended bad mood that wasn't there when we first got together. He seems to be constantly cranky these days and the smallest thing seems to knock him off track and make him crankier than he was. He's gotten short with me recently for things that I do that I don't view as a big deal (he has a thing about not making definite plans, and gets upset with me when I ask him to make them). I've only dated NTs before him (or at least non ASD people) and so to me this change in behavior would normally mean that he's grown dissatisfied with the relationship or me, but he doesn't lie to me and he loves me very much and enjoys being with me. What could be the issue?

He's flaking out a lot. When I first met him he came to visit me every single day, and lately it's hard to get him to come up to see me at all (I currently can't drive because of a bad car accident). There's always a legitimate reason but it seems like he wasn't having this issue before.

He's got little to no sex drive lately, which he attributes to his recent downturn in mood.

He told me he goes through periods of pretty intense depression in which he'll get cranky and defensive and lose interest in things, and I believe him but it's getting difficult to deal with. I miss the guy who was sweet, devoted and wonderful...now I've got a handful.

Can somebody please help?

Even though he loves you and enjoys being with you, the relationship could be a strain on him nonetheless. Relationships are a million times harder to maintain for ASD people. He may be putting a lot more effort into it than you realize.



People with ASD are often poor initiators. They often need the other person to do the initiating and maintaining. They also often need a set routine.



People with ASD often experience periods of extreme highs and the extreme lows. Someone who love the outdoors for months will suddenly want to stay at home all the time for months. Too much psychical contact can also be a strain, even if he likes it in one way, he doesn't in another because of his autism.



This is what any NT deals with in a relationship with someone autistic, whether that be a parent, sibling, spouse, SO or friend.



Maybe it'll help if you learn more about autism. Not saying that in a critical way. But it seems doubtful you'll understand it, unless you study it.

The question and the test is, how much do you love him? I mean if he got into an accident like Christopher Reeve and you had to feed him, bathe him and change his diapers 24/7, would you stay with him? How deep is your love? Are you willing to stay with him for better or for worse?

A little sarcasm: He's autistic, what did you expect?

First of all: every person is different. Autism has common traits, but there's not general rules. Anyway, perhaps this can help.

I feel identified with that, and I have been 'accused' of it more than once.

If I use my own experience as a guide: yeap, he's upset with you, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

What could happen?. Well, asperger, we're worse than NT in perceiving some things, as social rules. On the other hand, we're better than NTs in other fields. For example: for me, weighting priorities, making decissions and organizing is almost instantaneous. When I deal with people unorganized and undecided, it drives me crazy, and I can behave the way your bf does.

What can you do? Talk with him. Try to know why he's upset. And then try to make him understand that, the same way that you accept his flaws, he has to accept yours.



I can see two possible reasons here that explain both flaking out and no sex drive.

(1) He's upset with you. See previous paragraphs.

(2) He's not feeling well. Social stuff (relationships included) takes lot of effort and energy to aspies, and he doesn't feel he has enough.

In this second case, what could yo do? Well, one possible solution is to prepare low-energy-consuming dates. For example: being in the same room, but doing different things. One can be watching TV, the other one can be practising guitar, or studying, or reading, or anything else. This way, he can get accostumed to be with you without the stress of being permanently focused in social interaction (for us, social interaction is not instinctive, so you has to be constantly concentrated and focused on it).

PS I would suggest to look for information. There's some nice books about asperger and relationships. Look in amazon for "asperger+love" "asperger+relationships" or "asperger+marriage".

Definitely sounds like a bout of depression to me, the sudden lack of sex drive and the fact he told you he goes through regular bouts of depression are a big clue. If he isn't seeing a doctor for this then urge him to see someone. If he really is suffering from clinical depression you can't "cure" him. He needs proper help - however a good doctor or therapist can also help you by giving you suggestions on how to support your boyfriend.

No matter what you do, he is going to have those problems periodically off and on throughout life.

Do you enjoy the good times enough to accept that, no matter how much he works on it (and he may not have the energy to work on it; it may take everything he has to give you the good times and keep the bad times from being any worse than they are), the bad times are going to happen??

If yes, follow the above posters' suggestions.

If not, end the relationship. Immediately.

Indeed, @kittygotclaws, I would suggest to read the fourth post in this thread, written by @BuyerBeware:

www.wrongplanet.net/postt227181.html

...to see up to what point it can be exhausting to try to adapt constantly to NT socialization for an aspie.

She's right. This is it, and if you want to be with him, you must be aware of it.

Thanks, everybody.

A lot of the reason he was upset with me has already been discussed and solved - he was upset because I was getting insecure in the relationship as a reaction to his behavior and he felt that it was an "inefficient" way to deal with it since it happens to him off and on. He's also more than insistejnt that I "wear the pants" in the relationship, and I am naturally inclined to do so, but when someone starts getting distant or being cranky I think I sort of take them off because I'm afraid I did something wrong by wearing them (if that makes sense). So I've been doing my part but I suppose I feel like he's not doing his, because I discussed with him why I've been upset with him also. He's definitely better than he was, but he's still always upset about something.

We discussed the low energy consuming dates thing and it turns out that we were doing too much group socialization for him, which hadn't even occurred to me until a friend pointed it out. He came over Thursday and we spent some time alone together, and he was much calmer and more open emotionally...so you guys could be right on the money with that.

He's been very open and communicative with me about what's going on with him, and explained to me that he's not really seeing or talking to his friends either (which I have noticed), so I shouldn't feel like it's something that is just happening with me.

I do love him, and I do want to be with him. I think I can deal with these periods but I'm not sure how to disassociate myself from them.

A little more background: I think he's getting frustrated because as earlier stated I can't drive so right now if we want to be together he's gotta make the whole hour drive to me and the whole hour drive back. He's told me this and he said it's not a big deal because it's temporary but I feel very guilty and I don't know what to do about it.

Also...my friends are becoming increasingly frustrated with him and his dislike of planning social events (like he won't give a time when he'll show up to anything) and are constantly calling him rude, insensitive, a jerk, etc. I know better than to agree with them but it's still adding to my general level of stress =/

Glad to hear this 'intercultural' relationship is working

Seriously, consider buying some book about asperger and relationships. Avoid the ones with psychological terminology (psychologist have no clue about asperger psychology). The ones written by aspergers for aspergers are the best ones. I have 'The Asperger Love Guide' and it's quite nice and useful (though it's too focused in flirting and dating, what you don't need now, but it can give you a idea). No need to say that you're not the only one to read about it and work about it. This is a two-people work. Otherwise, it won't work long term.

Bad news. The problems with your friends are not likely to get better. The opposite is much likely to happen: an spiral of 'rejection > worsen relationship > rejection and so'. NTs are not very willing to fix things when they feel reinforced by the group, so don't count on this going better. Just be aware of what you have in front of you.

A last tip: aspergers, we need isolation, we need to recharge batteries alone. But don't feel insecure because it. In general (NOTE: as far as you can generalize) we're very honest, loyal and we don't play games with relationships (in others, because we don't know how!! ! )

I couldn't have said it better myself.

The only thing I might add, is that indeed things are very different in the bedroom for an autistic+NT couple. Since we have little or no body language recognition, and we offer little or none in return, the NT almost has to be straight forward and verbal about initiating things (or to make it clear that anytime now is a good time for him to initiate).

My guess as to the seemingly long-lived down mood on his part, is that he's frustrated because he is feeling the same things you are, and can't figure out why or how to fix it. Add to that the possibility of clinical depression (common in AS & Autism), and you have two people with hurt feelings and a communications trainwreck. I'm not a professional, and the last thing I want to do is give damaging advice, but I'd say that from what you've said, you have a good chance at bringing the relationship back into place if you both want it that way. Meaning that as soon as you can, try to ask him straight up, what he wants to see happen in yours & his near future, and if he's at all shy, ask him if there's anything you're doing or not doing, that he's afraid to talk with you about. It could be as simple and silly as you've changed tooth paste brands, and I'm not kidding about little things like that being BIG issues with us in the Autism community.

Charles (married to NT wife)

Let me get this straight up front, Aspies can be a*seholes too, it's not a trait exclusively for NT's.

You've got to tell him that his behaviour is causing you concern, you know that he has certain ways of doing things, and you may not be able to mind read what's going through his head. Ask him to talk with you.

You will have to teach him about communication, nothing too difficult, just simple things.

Communication is something that everyone buggers up sometimes, but Aspies bugger it up more.

Things have been showing improvement over the past few days. He's shown a little bit of understanding, not as much as I was hoping for, but he's giving what he can at the moment and that's what counts, ultimately.

I was hoping that maybe if I made a home for myself here in this space I could have some people who maybe could help me to learn a little bit....would that be possible, perhaps?

Better say sorry than ask permission

That comes as no surprise to me. Like I said before, you'll probably need to be the initiator.





Yeah, I think it needs to be more just you and him having alone time.



Remember, everyone goes through phases. The longer you know him the more you'll observe and become familiarized with his phases. It's probably not something he has much if any control over.

Hang in there. It sounds to me like you're a remarkable person. I wish someone like you had come along in my life.

He's never going to change that. You have very judgmental friends, if they're so "frustrated" (hahaha) about that they would never accept someone socializing in an autistic way all the time. They would view it as something that can and should be changed, with no regard for their way not being right. Jerks. That conclusion comes from the lack of acceptance they show (shouldn't be called "frustration")...

I try to explain to them that there are reasons why he does the things he does, and especially with my (teenaged) sister I have to really break it down and explain why he's doing these things that to them seem strange or rude. My sister is the one that's giving me the most trouble now, claiming that he doesn't treat me well because he doesn't visit as much as he used to. I try to excuse her because she's a kid and she's really only able to think about the world form on point of view.

I bought him a game he wanted last night which really seemed to have pulled him out of the hole for a bit..we'll see how he's doing today. Thanks for all the help. I think I'm gonna stick around (I might lurk more than I post) to help myself learn more about ASD on a more personal level than what a book gives me. So if I don't really post any more than in this thread it only means I'm reading!

You mention your bf has gotten cranky and short with you.

I am cranky and short with my gf a lot.
Also she is NT and i am ASD and on the verge of almost breaking up with her constantly.

Maybe it is a spectrum thing of sorts where i want to be alone.

When people claim lack of a sex drive, that usually makes me paranoid they're lying the relationship is dead. Especially for people who had high sex drives or bragged about their sex drive to begin with.

Granted your gf may have depression and that's valid. I know my gf doesn't have depression though and she won't come clean with me.

I appreciate honesty an she has serious flaws with that..

Granted my reply is on the extreme end, yet true for my relationshiot (i always seem to be indecisive of tossing her out or keeping her) honestly i think it's fear of being independant yet another part of me wants to.

Every Autistic is different...
If your friends are mean to him, don't subject him to them.