Creating a persona

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Just wondering whether there are many others out there familiar with having to create a persona in order to survive?

I have an extremely close immediate and extended family, and they don't really buy or have patience for Aspergers or ASD. My uncle who has Aspergers has basically been disowned by the family, called a "nutter" and all manner of other things. People still think it is some emotional issue, or something ridiculous to do with becoming too English (I'm a 3rd generation Immigrant from Iran). All my life up to about 6 months/ a year ago when I was ready to admit that I was almost certainly on the spectrum, I've had varying degrees of a fake persona just to see me through. It got to a level where I developed continual excuses for my strange behaviour, pretended to have more friends than I actually did, and pretended to be closer to them than I was, just to keep people from inquiring or feeling the need to intervene too much. Obviously, my level of difficulty relating to "society" was too extreme to go by unnoticed, and people knew I wasn't normal, but I insisted on keeping my true inner feelings of "otherness" well hidden. I finally feel, having gained confidence from researching ASD, and reading people's stories here that I can be my true self (and the fact that not being myself is tearing me apart in so many ways, physically and mentally).

Having got to this point I just wonder whether anyone can relate to this, and whether any of you out there have had to go to extreme levels of denial? Also have you been able to find a road back to some manner of self acceptance? Maybe there are some of you who can happily employ some acting techniques to get them by in certain situations while still maintaining your identity?

Thanks
Has

I never developed a persona and as a result have just dealt head on with the rejection that inevitably results

In one way it's been better as I don't have to expend mental energy keeping up an act; I can just be myself all the time, but on the other it means the average NT doesn't relate to me (and vice versa) and with the majority I'm seen as weird from the start

It does mean I make genuine connections with people though as I only tend to get on with others who aren't putting on a fake act.

I dont' think I could put on an act if I tried to be quite honest - my brain isn't quick enough to think of what I'm 'meant' to say in any given situation to give a particular impression. I've just never wanted to impress people or have a group of friends that badly. If they couldn't accept me as me I couldn't see the point in pretending to be someone else.

I think because I have no persona I often unnerve people. It's harder to cope in society without one but ultimately I think I'm in a stronger position in terms of the close connections I can make with others. Most people are connecting persona to persona whereas I connect actual person to actual person.

When I see most people interacting I think to myself 'Do they ever drop their act??' And in many cases I think they don't as they have become their persona.

I do it. I'm often someone else. My brother could always tell when I was putting on a facade and would sometimes tease me or chide me over it (in a good/nice way). I never fortunately had to do it with family as much, but did/do it elsewhere. I think in my case since I didn't know how to "conduct myself properly" I'd mimic those who I thought did. TV/movie characters mostly. My normal behavior was very difficult on others when I was young, which I only knew if someone came right out and told me about it. To get away from having to deal with all that I became a hermit for 15 years. Working alone as a nightwatchman and being completely solitary at home. So, being by myself 95% of the time.

I started becoming social again about four years ago. And that whole time has been a process of going through various personas and facades. And lots of fine tuning. Even while communicating here, I'm fine tuning. And the personas I've been trying on lately are those of more eccentric but likable types. Personas closer to my own instead of ones so straitlaced and formal.

The one thing I've tried to focus on the most is appearing nice and friendly. Being considered a nice person seems to go a long ways. And I also just don't talk as much. I'm finding I can express myself just as well by being succinct rather than being verbose. I try to stay more relaxed as I tend to get manic when around others. But I am an oddball and don't try to hide that as much anymore because I think that just makes things worse. Weird slash straitlaced is a bad combo. It puts people off. Makes them wonder if you have multiple personalities. Especially when you keep shifting similar personas like a chameleon. It's a tough thing to deal with.

I have been acting my whole life. I had to start to do so because my family was not exactly 'supportive' (to say it politely) and at the end it became my way of dealing with life. It's possible, but it gives problems too.

To do it, you have to create a coherent character. You can't play a different role every day or people will freak out. The best (in my opinion) is to play some slightly eccentric characters (up to a point) that allow you to 'cover' your issues, but that are at the same time are interesting enough to be accepted. And of course, you must feel identfied with it: there has to be some truth on it, otherwise it won't work long term. For example, I took as model a middle point between the father of my best friend (who was a very interesting person that I admired) and the classical british humour style. You must find your own character, of course.

At the end it becomes automatic, but exhausting too. It's a character, after all.

Two problems you have to be aware of:

(1) You're playing a role, not being yourself. Of course, being yourself is overrated, but at the end it the best way to feel confortable in your own skin. I did it because it was my way of surviving. Do it as much as necessary, but not more (or 'no more', I don't know which is the right way to say it).

And choose your close circle wisely, among who accept your inner self, not your character. This is not as easy as it could seem.

(2) Relationships. It's a BIG problem, since you will be successful with girls that like your character, not you. So be prepared to have a lot of failed relationships.

Despite the sheers lengths I've gone to to hide myself, I have big problems in maintaining a consistent character. Some days I can push myself to fill the role required. I can dispense the pleasantries, and cope with the social situations I hate. On other days my brain is simply not working fast enough to be aware of every circumstance where some words or some gesture or some facial expression even, is required of me.

I also find that when people feel they have the green light to get close to you, they want to share everything, know you inside out, how you react to things, what your opinions are, and where they can categorise you in the social hierarchy. Mutual affirmation is very important. It is difficult to put forth something that is false in these situations and stand by it. I find it is easier to be as light and jokey as possible with people I know, as superficial acting is a lot easier, and ultra polite, nice and quiet with people I meet for the first time. Unfortunately those two styles can't cover every eventuality. I fall apart in many places where people probe deeper, or even hit me with a question I wasn't expecting.

I think a convincing persona for the shallow side of things is fine and only moderately draining/exhausting, but beyond a certain point I think I want people to know that I'm Autistic. As briankelley says I don't think sweeping it under the rug benefits anyone. My inconsistent and shallow characters have probably got people closer to putting me in the nuthouse than the fact I was born with a different kind of brain wiring. What I also resent a little is not being able to turn off this learned worry (even now), of "am I saying the right thing?", and "how will people react to this?". It truly drives me crazy sometimes. It's like I built an extra artificial hemisphere of my brain to try and scrutinize the parts of myself that I put out to the world and it is fueled by fear and adrenaline, and not wanting to be "found out".

[i][quote="whirlingmind"

BTW if you live in England and your relatives think AS behaviour is due to "becoming too English" how come they haven't noticed that the vast majority of English people don't behave like people with Asperger's? If they really think such "nutter" type behaviour is what English people behave like, why do they choose to live in England? It's illogical - the only other answer is that they are in utter denial of there being any possibility of a developmental disability in their genetic material. There are cultures where any sort of behaviour outside of the norm is considered so embarrassing and unacceptable that they have no qualms about disowning such relatives, perhaps you ought to tread carefully with who you tell what amongst your relatives.[/quote][/i]

I completely agree with you whirlingmind, it is absolutely illogical. I think denial is part of it, and also the religious idea that any differences from the norm are moral failings on our part. I believe most of them choose to live in England as it is a far better country than anywhere else that is open to them. The reference to "too English" may be something to do with the stereotype that English people are less likely to have a suffocatingly closeknit family and are more individualistic, but I'm really not sure they've ever sought reliable data to confirm this idea. It has been suggested to me that I am too sensitive to their bluster and they don't mean to act on the things they say, and that perhaps they themselves don't always believe the things they say in anger. It is true that I take statements people make very seriously, and it is probably the case that they won't react in an extreme manner towards me even if I give up the pretense that there is still a glimmer of hope I could be "normal" one day.

I do sincerely feel for the many people out there that suffer because the cultures they are born into are presumed (by the other members) to know so much more on every subject than modern science.

It has never even occurred to me at any point.

I couldn't be bothered, too much work to remember being someone else.

Ironically, creating personas & hiding behind them like an actor in character is a documented ASD coping mechanism.

They can be long term, or almost merely momentary - ie putting yourself into a "role," as it suits the situation around you & acting in that persona in order to navigate the social scene playing out, or to deal with something, or to get something you want etc.

I've certainly done the short term thing, psyching myself out to do something I'm anxious about, putting myself "into character," w/ a much more confident persona - and then acting/behaving that way well enough for it to feel very very real, almost natural. I think it would take up far too much energy & intellectual processing power to try to stay "in character," 24/7, but it certainly has had it's momentary advantages.

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