Questions About Autistic Boyfriend's Behavior

Post Reply New Topic

I'd listen to your guy on this one: He probably is depressed. NT or autistic, depression can lead to social withdrawal, irritability, and loss of interest in things you usually enjoy. And he's probably even more miserable with this state of affairs than you are.

Is he getting treatment for his depression? I have recurrent depression myself, plus my autism, and it took me a while to realize I probably needed to be on antidepressants pretty much permanently because of how often I had episodes of depression.

Sometimes being overstressed can cause depression, and for autistics socializing is very stressful even when it is very enjoyable. I wonder if perhaps part of his problem is that he initially pushed himself too hard so that he could spend time with you, and just ran out of energy. It's difficult for us sometimes to learn that kind of moderation especially when pushing hard is so tempting. You think you'll relax later, and then eventually you just kind of spend all your time on emergency power... sooner or later things just start to break down. Depression is the inevitable result.

Support him; don't push him too hard. He'll need alone time to relax. If he isn't getting treatment for his depression, encourage him to get treatment--it is not something to be ashamed of, and he owes it to himself to get some help that'll shorten this episode and help prevent new ones. Additionally, he probably needs to learn how to manage stress better, especially sensory overload and social strain. Think how you would feel if you had to do very difficult math problems (or write essays, if you like math) all day, and how tired your brain would feel afterward. That is how we feel after we've been pushing ourselves too hard. Try that day after day, and sooner or later we just don't have anything left to give--and, worse, if we've bought into the NT-as-ideal fallacy, we may even end up hating ourselves for not being able to go on any longer, thinking we must be lazy or antisocial, pushing hard the second we recover to any extent, only to burn out again. It can take some time to learn how to find moderation. I honestly don't think I'm there myself, yet, and I've been working on it for a while.

This was written about chronic illness, but really applies to chronic autism-related stress, too:
The Spoon Theory

Just hang in there. If you and your guy can just keep communicating openly about the problem, I think you'll be able to take it on together and come out stronger for it.

He isn't receiving treatment for his depression right now because he says he can't take SSRIs because he also has bipolar disorder. I don't know about that because I have bipolar disorder as well and I take an SSRI. I try not to push the getting help for depression thing too much....I don't know if it's an age thing (he's younger than I am) or if it's just his personality but he seems to think he has all the answers to everything.

He's 100% correct in not wanting to take an SSRI for his depression if he's bipolar as it can get really really really bad if you are. Where he's wrong is that he doesn't know (or care) that there are other meds used for depression if you're bipolar, like mood-stabilizers (and sometimes anti-psychotics). One of the first things that happen when depressed is that your motivation to do things, things like getting better (even for your loved ones) lessen.
So you have an autistic boyfriend who is depressed, and acts in autistic and depressed ways, and you fear it is because he doesn't like you, and (presumably) NT friends that think exactly the same, or at least find it rude... What is the question? How you can communicate better with him about these things? How he should accommodate you? How you should accommodate him? If you're OK being with someone who's both autistic and depressed? If you're OK with your friends not accepting him being autistic and depressed? I guess that's up to you. Presumably he will feel better again, but if he says it is recurrent, then believe him.