I wish I could just straight up say...

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I think you're attractive to a girl and not get a weird look. Why is it so weird? That's basically what is being said anyway, right?

What makes it weird or unwanted can frequently have to do with where and when it's said.

A lot of girls I know deal with street harassment from time to time and there's always the possibility of someone getting angry/violent/hateful in response to even the most polite response on their part. And that sort of thing happens way, way, way, way, way more often than you'd think. And then you have to factor in the fact that (on average) most guys are bigger/physically stronger than women and that adds to what can be perceived as a threat (or at least unsettle them).

There are other factors as well for sure, and it can be hard to keep in mind that it's kinda fundamentally different for a guy as (for the most part) assault and that kind of verbal abuse isn't something we ever have to think about or deal with unless we're witnessing it happen to a woman.

I think it sucks to that people can't just be direct all the time everywhere, but it kinda is what it is, and it pays to be careful with how you're coming of to the person you're addressing so they don't just think you're creepy or perceive you as a threat.

I worded that wrong. What I was really trying to say is that I wish I knew the time and place to do anything. Its all very confusing, but you helped me to see a new perspective of why being blunt isn't always better. At least not in this dimension.

Basically being said by initiating conversation with some other topic, statement, or question? Yes. But people aren't so black and white logical like Data from star trek. Everyone knows damn well that they dress as they do and do their hair and makeup etc as they do to attract the attention of a potential partner who's physically attracted to them at first impression - obviously this is because that person thinks the other is attractive, duh, but there are the unwritten social rules to consider. People go through back and forth small talk flirty conversation as if its some sort of song & dance ritual, like a pair of birds, that must be performed in order to advance to the next stage of courtship. It just is what it is and you have to learn to play the game without skipping too many steps and being perceived as kinda creepy for being so blunt and speaking your mind while possibly also unintentionally showing some awkward or inappropriate body language. Ie avoiding eye contact, shy/reserved posture, or an over exagerated facial expression of any sort.

Oh, I definitely wish I knew better when it was/wasn't okay too. After bungling it a few times rather badly when I was younger, I've basically defaulted to never saying anything no matter how badly I might want to unless/until the other person initiates it (as then clearly it's okay).

In my experience, it's best to just treat other people as people first. It can suck sometimes, but I'd rather err on the side of caution than the side of possibly being thought of as creepy.

I like being told I'm attractive...I wouldn't be offended by that. Still, one person on here PM'ed me asking if I could be his girlfriend. That's too abrupt. I'd want to get to know someone first before being their girlfriend so first he should have said "Will you go out with me/get to know me?" ect.

I think the key here is the way you say stuff.

I'm a girl and I've learned that I'm somewhat "attractive." How do I know that? I can tell that ever other guy is glancing at my body and looking away anxiously (or if they're old, they just stare and maybe even smile because they're creeps. ew. *shivers*). But it's hot and I want to wear shorts and a tank top, so I have to deal with this.

But if the guy that held the door open for me said **politely** something like, "hrm. you're really pretty" I wouldn't be offended at all. The problem is when guys think a girl is like a show, and they call out at her or stare at her. Personally, I would rather guys directly acknowledge me and tell me they find me attractive than to try to steal glances to satisfy their natural urges. But you also have to remember where you're at. So for example if you are on the train and a girl is going to be forced to sit there after you tell her you think she's pretty, she might feel really uncomfortable, but if you said it to her as you were leaving and then walked away like that's all, you had no dirty intentions, you might make her feel really good that day and maybe even want to see you again.

Ummm...I'd rather stick hot pokers in my eye than attract any kind of partner whatsoever. And I mean that as seriously as is humanly possible. But I do like to do my hair and make-up, and if I wasn't so chubby, I'd pay attention to how I dress.

I do it for me. Not for some man. Or woman. Or potential partner of any kind. I feel better about myself when I take care of myself, and that includes my physical appearance.

Regarding compliments, I don't particularly like them. They make me feel really self-conscious. But a simple statement like "You have pretty eyes" bothers me less for some reason. But I agree with TinyDancer: I'd rather have it happen in a moment in which I will not have to respond at all, or when we will not have to linger in the same space. On the other hand, now that I have thought about it more, I think a comment about any other part of me, other than my eyes, would also make me feel uncomfortable. So maybe it is not a good idea.

If you are talking about someone you know who you want to know better, I find casually asking if they'd like to get coffee or something like that works better to express interest than simply bluntly stating you find them attractive.

If you are a talker there should be moments when you can bring it up. It's hard if you don't talk much to her. I met a girl I thought was very attractive in highschool. I am a very shy person and so I was certain I'd never tell her that she was attractive or even speak much with her at all.

One day she just asked me why I was sitting near her and not with the group I would usually sit next to. I didn't even think about what to say before telling her it was because she was gorgeous. It was an honest answer to her question and it didn't feel awkward saying it at all. I felt great. I felt like a different person being that socially brave, especially considering all of her friends were right behind her and heard me say it. I wouldn't have been interested in dating her honestly. Turns out her personality was not as pleasant as her looks.

Last edited by Iloveshoujoai on 04 Apr 2013, 11:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think I could ever straight up say "you are attractive" to a girl.
I will say something like, "I like your dress".
But I don't think I ever comment on a person's psychical appearance as in "nice face, nice body, nice hair". Seems too personal I guess.

I grew up to think making comments on people's physical appearance is not very polite. I know many people would be pleased to hear positive comments on their appearance. However, whether positive or negative, it's still judging. Also if you make comments only when someone looks good, then that means you don't think someone looks good when you don't make comments.

I once got in an awkward situation. A classmate commented on another classmate's haircut or something ("Wow, you look really good with your new hair style" or something like that). Stupidly he asked for my agreement with his comment and I said honestly that I didn't have anything to say about it. Both the guy who commented and the girl who'd had the new hair style looked rather upset with me. It was awkward. That's why you should always avoid talking about people's physical appearance.

It can be a matter of personal upkeep and taking care of yourself in general.

In relation to your question, I stumbled across a piece of writing by Slavoj Zizek on the subject of 'making a pass'...
I'm not sure I totally concur with his analysis and I think he is talking more about an advance towards sex.

''There is a somewhat analogous situation with regard to the heterosexual seduction procedure in our Politically Correct times: the two sets, the set of PC behaviour and the set of seduction, do not actually intersect anywhere; that is, there is no seduction which is not in a way an "incorrect" intrusion or harassment — at some point, one has to expose oneself and "make a pass." So does this mean that every seduction is incorrect harassment through and through? No, and that is the catch: when you make a pass, you expose yourself to the Other (the potential partner), and she decides retroactively, by her reaction, whether what you have just done was harassment or a successful act of seduction — and there is no way to tell in advance what her reaction will be. This is why assertive women often despise "weak" men — because they fear to expose themselves, to take the necessary risk. And perhaps this is even more true in our PC times: are not PC prohibitions rules which, in one way or another, are to be violated in the seduction process? Is not the seducer’s art to accomplish this violation properly — so that afterwards, by its acceptance, its harassing aspect will be retroactively cancelled?''

As a female, any situation other than that I knew someone well, or that I was on a date, I would find that uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable getting complimented anyway, but to me that's a personal observation to make. So if a colleague said it, or someone came up to me in a bar and said it, or some random person said it, I wouldn't like it.

Having said that, I'm not an NT so peoples' motives confuse me and I am a very private person as well.

I would just err on the side of caution and only say it when you know someone well enough or are in a romantic situation.

If someone is attractive anyway, it would be very unlikely they would be unaware of it, and you don't need to tell someone they are attractive to get with them. Just be nice and if they are interested they will go out with you if you ask.

I find it gross that a lot of men don't even try to hide those types of looks (even if they are with their wife or girlfriend). It makes you feel like a piece of meat, it offends me intensely, that they are so driven by their lustful thoughts and that they know you have noticed and haven't shown any sign that you enjoy it and they still carry on. It makes me feel no respect for them and I feel like they are like animals that they are so unable to control it. If at least they tried to do it when you didn't know or did it very subtly it wouldn't be so bad, but they do it so blatantly. Having said that, if it was hot I would far rather wear a lightweight dress that covered what needed to be covered, than revealing stuff like little shorts and flimsy tops...you are kind of saying you don't mind them looking by wearing that, because you know they are going to look, there are alternative options for hot weather and you choose to wear it anyway.

A person is more than their looks. I wonder if it makes some girls uncomfortable because it feels like the person telling them that they're attractive believes that attractive is all they are.

It's also a common thing to say when someone wants to date you.

I find some people, of both genders, attractive; and I like to look at them. I'm asexual, but I think people in general can be very beautiful. I like hands especially. There's something about a person's hands that really shows their personality. And some types of clothing have really interesting sensory qualities, so I might say that I like that clothing. It's best to say that only to girls, even though guys might wear things that are interesting to look at.

I don't tell people that they are attractive, though. I don't want them to think that I want to date them. I'm not ready to date anybody, even if they are asexual too--which is only about a one in a hundred chance anyway. Maybe someday. Until then I'll enjoy looking.

You've just got to be careful not to look at them for too long, and I don't think it's polite to look at a person's butt or breasts. I don't know how long is too long, so I try not to stare at anybody especially if I don't know them. Most of the time it's because somebody is wearing an interesting piece of clothing or has an interesting hair color. Fancy nails can draw my attention too. I don't really notice faces that much.