"Earn a Position" In My Father's Family

Post Reply New Topic

Ok,

So to make a long story short, when I was 13, I spent some time living with my father, stepmother(call her Joanne), and then youngest sister(call her Mary). My father never believed in aspergers and dismissed any doctor who did. I am now 26, and whether the community believes its possible or not, I believe I largely "outgrew" my aspergers. I know its still there, but I have been able piece together some semblance of neurotypicality, and I aspire to begrudging acceptance by the NT community at large (to simplify, I try to be normal and occasionally have moderate success).

My father has four children by three women. My oldest sister(call her Paula) met our father only once before she turned 18. She and my father had some ugly heated discussions and they are now very close. I lived with my mother for my entire childhood except for grades 5 and 7. My father put me out of his house when I was 13, I had an incredibly difficult time adjusting to his parenting style and the community we lived in.

By the end of my 7th grade year, things were boiling over badly. A missed visit to my mother's had me all out of whack, school was taking a turn for the worse, and Joanne believed that I was homicidal towards Mary, based on a misunderstood social cue. Mary was on my father and Joanne's bed sleeping, boxed in by pillows to prevent her from rolling off the bed. I was watching TV with my head on one of those pillows. Joanne entered the room and from her point of view, the pillow appeared to be covering Mary's head, to this day I know it was not. I failed to understand the situation, and failed to express empathy for what she thought was an attempted homicidal act on my part. I was promptly hospitalized, and medicated, with serious side effects, and "corrected" every time I told hospital staff about the incident.

Fast forward to last summer. I connected with Paula on facebook, as well as my father. He wanted us to have a get together and catch up, "be a family again" that sort of thing. My stepmother and Mary were in Florida for the summer, so it was decided that Paula, Dad, and myself would meet at his house and spend a couple days together. I arrived first, caught up with Dad, I forgave him for all of the ugliness from back in the day, and told him that I have no hard feelings toward Joanne.

He told me that he forgave me for all the trouble I gave him back in the day, I accepted his forgiveness. The visit with Paula and Dad went very well. Paula left before I did, at which time Dad reminded me that he and I are square, but that to get back into Joanne's good graces would be no easy task. He suggested I write a letter of apology and prepare for the cold shoulder at first, then a lot of screaming and crying and swearing, followed by a long period of rebuilding trust. I respectfully told him that I would go home, gather my thoughts and then decide how to proceed, and the visit ended on good terms.

The drive home gave me plenty of time to think, why would I apologize to someone I haven't seen in over a decade, for what was basically a childhood mental illness? Certainly, a parent would not expect a child to apologize for getting physically ill. Also, Mary and our now youngest sister are excelling in school, and in life in general, why should I "barge in" to their family and put them under stress that they don't need? I feel bad about what happened when I was 13, but I do not feel an apology is owed. I also feel that Joanne fails to realize that children do not remain children forever, we learn from our experiences and grow up. I also feel that my father is setting a standard for being part of "his" family, that even though I meet his standard, I do not meet the standard of his wife, and since they are a package deal, I'm out.

I sent Dad a message when I got home, explaining my position and leaving the door open for dialog, but not apology. He has not spoken a word to me since that day. I maintain a lukewarm relationship with Paula, the most contact we have is a comment on a facebook post. I know that Dad has shared every last embarrassing, shameful detail with her, and based on only what she has been told, I understand her distance.

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Do I need to apologize? Should I have to earn a seat at my father's table?

It's easy for me to say, because I'm not you but I wouldn't even bother with people who didn't like you to begin with. They planned against you by putting you away for a made up situation and still show dislike to you, so why do they deserve an apology or your time and energy?

I have to say that is an awful story.

I don't know what you should do, nor do I know what I would do.

I am a very forgiving person by nature, so I cannot comprehend how a grown woman would hold something against a grown man that he did when he was 13. That, in my perception, is a sign of some sort of instability. You were a kid. No harm was done (your sister is fine). I would have a very hard time justifying in my own mind why I should apologize, so any apology I made would be terribly false and easily recognized as such.

On the other hand, you only have one dad. So in that regard, I am not sure I would be able to justify sacrificing a relationship with him based on my principles of what does and does not deserve an apology. That part of me would buck up, say my apology, and grovel in whatever way was seen as necessary to get past the foolishness so I could have a relationship with my father.

Not very helpful am I? At least you know someone else sees your quandary.

I appreciate your advice. I don't see it as a matter of principle so much as I just don't want to be bothered. I know I sound terrible for thinking that, but I feel that if a spot in his family is something to be earned, then I'm not really welcome at all.

I would forgive my father in a heartbeat if he came to me and said he was wrong and asked me to forgive him and be part of the family.

Not to go off on a religious tangent, but as a Christian I believe in forgiveness and grace. I believe that I am welcome at God's table, and that there is nothing I can do to earn my spot there, Jesus got me adopted into His family, and I've done way more wrong to Him than to my father.

I guess Paula had the benefit of not knowing him when she was a child. She never got to see the authoritarian side, just the "you're an adult now so we are equals side" He said the same thing to me, but through his actions told me that he is a better man than I. He did give me one valuable piece of advice though, "actions speak louder than words".

I don't think you sound terrible. If it seems to be too much of an effort and if you are fine not having a relationship, then I think there is no reason for you to do anything. You are not required to have a relationship with the man who supplied the sperm. I do not mean that to sound crass. But no parent should expect unyielding allegiance from their kids simply because they are the parent. So if having a relationship with him is not of value to you, then you certainly don't owe him your effort to earn your place, if that makes sense.

But if there is appeal to having a relationship with him, then you will have to decide how much effort will be comfortable for you. I do have one cautionary tale of a friend who was estranged to his father. He bitterly resented things that happened when he was a young boy that his father had tried to make up for. He simply couldn't/wouldn't forgive him. His father passed away and he is now left with great regret.

It sounds to me you already feel accepted by the Father that matters most. We should always strive to get along with people but some people refuse to get along with anyone, “In This Together” is offering some excellent advice, you made an effort let it stand and move on with your life. Now follow your heart and look to your Heavenly Father for guidance.