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Mirror21
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17 Apr 2013, 3:46 pm

is thins helpful, at all?

Talking to my friend/GF, whenever I do or say something that is wrong, she usually insists on analyzing the entire thing. I think this is partly due to her compulsive (and unrecognized in herself) need to not be wrong as much as her belief that it’s helpful. As a matter of fact I think this is more annoying than anything.
For example someone will say “that is a huge butterfly and green!” and I will tell them yes it is big but it’s not a butterfly it is a Luna moth, the biggest moth on that family.
My gf in a situation like this say I was arguing. I would say I was not, merely stating, why is this upsetting? She will say I am the one upset.
This is an EXAMPLE, I actually have not had someone confuse the luna moth with a butterfly.

She will tell me that negating is argumentative. Do I understand the mechanics of an argument. I say yes. She says explain. And this is when I sort of throw my hands in the air. Because if I explain it as I understand it it is pointed out to me how that was wrong and obviously this is not how I understand it, but how I act on it.

So anyone never had this sort of scrutiny with conversation and how did you deal with it? Was it helpful at all? No one ever seems to be able to give me measurable instructions like “Wait for a pause” How long? Five seconds? Ten seconds? How long is too long to wait? When is correcting misinformation rude? Why is it rude to do such with evidence?



briankelley
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17 Apr 2013, 3:54 pm

It's really I think something one simply has to work on through trial and error throughout life. The need to correct and clarify is pretty strong amongst aspies. At my age I try to think of old wise people who know much and give away little. Who say little and let people make mistakes and let others do most of the talking.



Pip
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17 Apr 2013, 3:57 pm

I experience this all the time with my parents but I have no advice on how to deal with it. I haven't found a solution yet.


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Mirror21
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17 Apr 2013, 4:29 pm

briankelley wrote:
It's really I think something one simply has to work on through trial and error throughout life. The need to correct and clarify is pretty strong amongst aspies. At my age I try to think of old wise people who know much and give away little. Who say little and let people make mistakes and let others do most of the talking.


It is really difficult for me to "hold my own council" and just shut up. People expect you to respond in a conversation and its like, hard to do this, without arguing a point and letting them think fallacies and still have something to say. It is beginning to be less vexing and more irritating. It has put me in a state of semi-despair for a few months now.



ral31
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17 Apr 2013, 4:36 pm

My advice is to resist the temptation to correct if additional information isn't going to affect the outcome of a situation.
i.e.-"That's a beautiful butterfly!" The real object here is beauty, not the butterfly nor the fact that it's actually a moth. Don't correct. Appreciate the beauty.

If you can't stop yourself from correcting them, at least remove the negatives from your statement.
Instead of "yes it is big but it’s not a butterfly it is a Luna moth, the biggest moth on that family," try "Oh, it's a Luna moth!", or inject uncertainty into your statement (even though you don't feel it) "Oh yes, I think it's a Luna moth!" The correct information is imparted, but you haven't directly pointed out that the other person is wrong. Only provide additional information about the moth if the conversation leads to it.


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Mirror21
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17 Apr 2013, 4:58 pm

ral31 wrote:
My advice is to resist the temptation to correct if additional information isn't going to affect the outcome of a situation.
i.e.-"That's a beautiful butterfly!" The real object here is beauty, not the butterfly nor the fact that it's actually a moth. Don't correct. Appreciate the beauty.

If you can't stop yourself from correcting them, at least remove the negatives from your statement.
Instead of "yes it is big but it’s not a butterfly it is a Luna moth, the biggest moth on that family," try "Oh, it's a Luna moth!", or inject uncertainty into your statement (even though you don't feel it) "Oh yes, I think it's a Luna moth!" The correct information is imparted, but you haven't directly pointed out that the other person is wrong. Only provide additional information about the moth if the conversation leads to it.

thanks!! :D