When you're not interested in the conversation

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I have often been accused of being aloof/stuck-up/snobbish/cold because I didn't look engaged or contribute to the conversation.

I know the "social code" dictates that in such situations one should fake interest, look enthusiastic and say something to encourage the speaker to talk more, but gosh, that's exhausting!

It's exhausting because I don't see the point.
It's exhausting because I hate faking and have to put so much effort into it.
It's exhausting because I get annoyed by the speaker wittering on about meaningless stuff wasting my time, yet I'm not supposed to feel that way, let alone show the slightest hint of it.

Sometimes I wish I could just come right out and say "will you just shut up?"

The way I see it, the lack of interest in what people are saying at one particular point is NOT the same as the lack of respect for them as a fellow human being. But apparently they're one and the same in the world dominated by non-Aspies. How frustrating.

Can you relate to that?

I still get frustrated, but I have become more patient/tolerant over the years and have learnt to deal with my frustration better. I've learnt how to ask questions so people can talk, though I'm not interested in the answer and don't like doing it. That way, at least I come across as civil, which is good enough in most situations.

I deal with it by simply accepting the accusations of being an aloof, stuck-up snob. There are worse things to be, after all--like a nattering idiot.

The hardest part is to figure out what the social requirement is in that situation. Cutting off a conversation in a bar is different than in a funeral home, to pick two completely different examples.

Yes, you're right, it's very hard. I've put in a lot of time and effort learning it by observation and trial and error. I've also been lucky to have someone who cares about me and would tell me afterwords what I was doing wrong so I can correct it.

When I was a teenager, I didn't give a damn what others thought of me. Since then I have realised that I would enjoy my life more and feel better about myself if I tackle this problem, and people who care about me would feel better too.

I still don't give a damn about what others (who don't know or care about me) would say or think. Well, you shouldn't. So it's not like I've "succumbed to the norm and become a sheep" or "denied my own identity" or anything like that.

I was like that at one point, but you don't call that "dealing with it". It's just leaving it as it is and not doing anything about it.

I Agree. But I wan't complacent with how I was doing. I had a chance to change myself for the better and I took it. Everyone in every stage of life has that chance. Take it or leave it, it's your choice.

I act interested because I know that I can learn a lot from a conversation that I'm not interested in.

I have turned into quite the actress and can fake enthusiasm and many other feelings by mimicking what others do in certain situations, but I only do so on occasion because constantly faking is exhausting, and I only do it when I care about the person my imitations are benefitting.

I have turned into quite the actress and can fake enthusiasm and many other feelings by mimicking what others do in certain situations, but I only do so on occasion because constantly faking is exhausting, and I only do it when I care about the person my imitations are benefitting.

My recent road to self discovery has lead my mrs to tell me how hard conversation can be with me.

She says if I am not interested in the conversation then it is obvious I am not taking anything in, am thinking of other things and can't concentrate at all. Yet if it is something i am interested in she can't shup me up and says I go on and on and talk over people a lot.

At least now I know I do these things we laugh about it. She coughs and at the same time mumbles the word 'aspie' which cracks me up!

^^^ this sums it up beautifully. And sometimes I even have a hard time faking it.

I think the expression on your face might also have something or a lot to do with it. It seems NT's are bothered by Aspie facial expressions. I apparently am expressionless. Even though I thought I was smiling etc a lot, apparently I still come off as needing to have a more expressive face. (That was told to me by someone who's critiques I value and ask for BTW.).
And when I'm deep in thought apparently I look angry or annoyed. One day while I was in deep concentration sorting something out in my head, someone said, "you look you're getting ready to slug someone in the mouth".

But I don't know that the term "bite me" was invented by an Aspie. So NT's obviously do this to each other as well.

Now the next time you're forced to listen to someone droning on and on, you could try resorting to the following tactics:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKwdRHovYok[/youtube]

Yes, quite a lot to do with it. You need to make "I'm interested, tell me more!" face. It takes practice, but achievable. The tone of your voice is equally important. And your posture. And what your hands are doing, etc etc.


It's simply because people tend to frown when deep in thought, and it resembles the look of anger or annoyance. It's not just you who look like that when deep in thought. The point is, NTs don't usually go deep in thought in a social setting where people around them are engaged in conversation, because it's not a sociable thing to do. If NTs need to think deeply while others are around (like answering a hard question), they don't sit in silence, they "think aloud."

Funny video, thanks for sharing.

You're lucky to have her with you, she's a great woman

This is part of the reason for me. I also like to see it when people are engaged in their conversation. Their face just seems to light up, and I feel like I've done a good deed. I can only do this in short bursts though before my head shuts down and I have to extract myself. Just making the effort seems to smooth ruffled feathers, too.

I can Fake easily enough, I feel like I have a limit I can do in a day, which is slowly increasing, and I enjoy making people happy and creating a relationship with them.

But I wish there was some way to say to them," I don't care about what you're talking about", Without them taking it badly.
They'll get offended and take it as meaning I hate them or they're Generally boring and not worth the effort, when they should know I SAID WHAT I MEANT, Only what you're talking about is boring, Nothing more, nothing less.
And then when I try to make a new topic that we can both enjoy, (but I'm still not entirely interested in, just more so than before) They're upset about it still.

I'm quite adapted, and used to having to fake 100% for someone else's sake, but Still, It seems like people like to be offended and take things the wrong way.
Maybe that's just how they think, but I have patience with them, surely it isn't much to ask to have patience with me?

Ugh, yes, this sort of thing.

I'm always surrounded by conversations that I really just dont give a damn about.

I know some will try to fake it, but me, I never do. I'll often just pull out some gaming device (usually the iPad) and mess with that while I wait for the dull to go away. Or if I'm getting overly impatient I may simply leave. Either way, I generally make it VERY clear that I'm not interested or even really listening.


.....which makes it bloody annoying when the people talking DONT NOTICE this and keep talking about the dull stuff directly at me. It's not always a conversation between others, you see.... it might be just one person speaking at me CONSTANTLY about crap I definitely have no interest in. I can think of a couple friends of mine that do this frequently, and despite the huge amount of "dont care, not really paying attention" signals I must be giving off, they'll never notice it and will keep rambling.