Am I overreacting? VERY CONFUSED!! !!

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Hi there, my name is Stephen and I’m afraid this is going to be a bit of an essay…

Before I resume this discussion, I think it might be relevant for me to explain my Aspergers in more detail. I’d say my condition is borderline, as one thing I’ve noticed as is that I struggle with trying to emphasise not only with people who are not on the Autistic Spectrum, but also with people who ARE on the Spectrum. If I were younger, I would have put it as “I’m too normal for the freaks, yet too freaky for the normal.” (I hope that does not insult anyone, that’s just way I saw my condition in my youth!) But, in general, I’d say I have a tendency to get on with the neurotypicals slightly better, but it sill can be a challenge at times.

Anyway, moving on. I’m currently at Uni in Broadstairs Kent, but I have recently starting going to a Church in Canterbury. While both are in Kent, the two are quite a distance from each other, this is made easier by the fact a high-speed train that regularly runs between the two. Its about a 20 minute walk from my flat to the station and then another 20 minutes for the train journey. For me, thats little hassle. Anyway, I have been going to a lot of Church based socials recently, needless to say, many people I’ve met at Church are confused to why I choose to travel so far, to which I then explain as I’ve just done to which they traditionally respond with, “Oh, that’s not too bad then.”

However, yesterday while I was attending one of these socials, I introduced myself to someone I was not yet acquainted with, so we got to talking when he suddenly said “So Broadstairs, that’s quite a way to travel!” which I’m used to hearing now, leading me on to then explain the travel time as I usually do. But, instead of giving me the response I was used to hearing, he replied “Yeah, but considering you can get into London in 50 minutes from here, that’s quite a distance…” in what came across to me, to be a very critical tone of voice. I then found myself feeling very insulted, I know that was probably not his intention, but frankly I wanted to snap back at him and say “Are you implying something?! Are you criticising my decision to travel to Canterbury?! What are you trying to say exactly?! Are you tying to be a smartass with me?!” but instead, in my confusion, just left it at “Well, I suppose when you look at it like that…” I should have really mentioned that I had tried Churches in Broadstairs, but ultimately didn’t feel like I belonged there, but to be honest his response truly left me absolutely confused. Needless to say, I didn’t speak to this person much after this conversation, except to really just to say goodbye when I was leaving.

Am I totally overreacting? Is it normal for me to feel insulted? Did his response just catch me off guard? I haven’t really felt this way about a simple conversation before. I don’t understand what prompted his choice of words; it truly felt like his was insulting my intelligence. I really have no idea how to feel about this and I just can’t seem to let it go. I’m beginning to think I’m in need to some psychoanalysis here!

Thanks in advance.

I think I can understand how you are feeling. It's really hard to tell if that person actually intended to insult because even you, who directly heard him say it to you, cannot figure out what his true intention was. There are some people who are always keen to show how clever they are and try to use every opportunity they get to do just that. So he could be one of them.

I tend to come across rather "slow" to some people who are overconfident and quick to judge. So some of those people often do that to me. It can be very frustrating sometimes. They pretty badly underestimate me. Whatever I say, they try to contradict me or try to invalidate what I say simply because they get the wrong impression that I'm stupid. As far as I'm concerned their overconfidence actually comes from their stupidity.

I think you should just keep away from that person just in case he's one of them. Even if he isn't, you still wouldn't be losing anything by keeping away from him.

It's not always easy to tell someone's intentions when they make a comment.

I went into a shop today and the assistant said "sorry we're not open yet, come back in 5 minutes".
Now the shop was supposed to be open twenty minutes before and they were late.
So I didn't know if they wanted me to wait because they were'nt ready, or if they didn't care about the needs of the customers, or if they didn't like the look of me and wanted me to go away.

I could respond by saying to myself "I don't know why they are late, it's annoying but five minutes isn't much, I'm not in a hurry".
Or I could respond by saying to myself "They should be open on time. It's rude of them to make me wait when it's their job to serve me during opening hours".

I feel better about myself and the world if I choose the first option. I feel angry and insulted if I choose the second option.
Do I need to know what the person's intention was?
I think what is important is that I believe I am not defined by others' opinions or behaviour, but my own sense of self-worth.



In your experience it sound like his first response was typical - "why travel so far?" because he wanted to know more facts about why you made a choice he would not have made. You gave your reasons but he wasn't convinced they were good enough reasons so he pointed out even though you take a fast train it's still relatively a long way to go.
What were his intentions? You don't know...

Maybe he needed to feel like he knew best about what you should do.
Maybe he thought he could persuade you to save money and time by choosing somewhere closer to home to go to Church. So he was thinking he was doing you a favour, assuming you hadn't thought it through properly beforehand.
Maybe he wanted you to persuade him with more information as what you gave him didn't seem logical.
Perhaps he wanted to argue with someone, anyone because he felt bad for some reason unknown.

I could spend a lot more time thinking about what he might have intended, but is it important? Not everyone will have the time or patience or attitude to treat me politely, however much I want them to. So it's better for me not to worry too much about all the possibilities and accept that people will not always be kind, polite or willing to listen or give me time or assistance. I can't know for sure why. They may have genuine needs of their own that prevent them from doing so, or they may simply not care about my needs.

I do know that if I assume the worst of them I will end up feeling bad about the situation. I try not to fret too much about these situations, but like you I am still learning to deal with it the way that is best for me.

If you expected one answer and he gave you another, he caught you off guard.
It might just have been a rethorical question leading to the next: "Why did you choose Canterbury then?" and his tone of voice might accidentally have sounded critical in the moment, and you might have picked up on it too acutely because of your surprise.

i think sometimes when other peopel use a confused tone of voice it can sometimes sound critical or like they are being funny, he probably was just confused as to why you chose to travel that far.

Thanks for your responses people, I really appreciate it. Hearing what you guys have to say is already helping me clear my head.

As I'm typically tend to get on well with neurotypicals (those who I have revealed my condition to seemed genuinely surprised when that I have Aspergers) and generally successful at reading other people and understanding their intentions and reasons for their behavior. But this time, I was just totally perplexed.