Feeling different from everyone

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I'm certain this is a common experience for people with autism spectrum disorder who have just enough understanding to know they're different from neurotypical people.

By the time I was 6 or 7, I knew I was consider different from the "normal" kids and was treated differently, which was painful for me. You see, I was just bad enough to have to be put in special ed, in classrooms separate from that to which the neutotypicals went. And yet, I had understanding enough that I was put in a highly stigmatized classroom, and to understand what my peers were doing wrong in their emotional and social interactions. So I felt disconnected from both groups, sorta. It was like, I was disabled, but not too much, so to speak, to where I could easily pass as non-disabled. I had a foot in both worlds, but was not fully in either, kinda like the Elves in J.R.R. Tolkien's world were in both the physical world and the shadow realm.

For each of you, if thou hast a similar experience to share, then let us hear.

Yes--Even when I was very young.

I love Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and Le Petit Prince.
When I was under 5, I felt he was a kindred spirit, unlike most people.

I thought 99% of people were somehow not sympathetic to me. My parents were both writers and I liked their friends more than the children I met at school. I thought it had something to do with their being artists, musicians and writers. I still think that might be true--they were more accepting of difference than most people. But I know now the difference was ASD.

Beneficii, I can relate completely. I was born with very high intelligence, and my parents had high hopes for me. Since I couldn't meet those expectations, my parents came to resent me, and I resented them in return. And since there was no such diagnosis as AS, and the doctors didn't have a clue, the consensus was that I was a lazy loser, and was no good.

What this did to me was to make me independent from a very young age, and I planned my life my way. Since we are square pegs in a world of round holes, we must create our own world with round holes. This has not only worked for me, but the more I listen to stories on this website, the more I become convinced it applies to all aspies.

As the mythologist Joseph Campbell used to say, follow your bliss.

I definitely felt like this. I was bumped up grades when I was in grade one, so I was regarded as the smart freakshow of my class. I wasn't really picked on so much, because bullies found out I would defend myself, and viciously (I broke a grade six boy's nose with a lunch box). I fit in more with the down syndrome and classically autistic kids who went to my school until I got an invitation in grade four to go to Hogwart's ... just kidding, to go to a special program for advanced students.

I went, hoping that I'd find a class of people just like me. They were /somewhat/ like me, but I still didn't blend in with them, I still felt separate, and like I had to slow down for them intellectually, and alienated even though I was with "people like me".

It's been a lonely life unless I'm pretending to be "typical", but then I lose my self-respect. At the moment, I've decided to stop trying to blend and be unusual all I want. Being strange is hard, being an actress is hard, being in a crowd is hard .... pick your hard.

This is a very distressing issue for me. I definitely understand feeling almost "stuck" between these two different groups. Especially in school. I can't function in a regular, general ed classroom, but special ed programs say I need somewhere less restrictive, as far as academics. I've tried alternative programs, and those didn't seem to work for me. I've been working on getting into a program for high schoolers with AS, and I've done all their testing to enroll, but they said I might be better off somewhere more academically challenging. It's so exhausting to be not quite one group, and not quite the other. It's actually depressing to me. I feel like my potential will be wasted. I remember when I started noticing that I was in this weird place between groups, and when I noticed I was "different." It was confusing, and I got very depressed. I still worry about it a lot. Up until recently, I was so afraid of bullying that I dumbed myself down to some extent. I wanted to fit in with my NT friends, and for some reason I thought that was the way to do it. I've learned now that I can't go my whole life trying to be someone I'm not. And, I'm not an NT. I'm an intellectually gifted Aspie, and that's okay, too =D. It's better than a stupid NT, in my opinion.

Also, I pass as "non-disabled" as well, and it seems like some people thought I was just attention seeking, or "weird" because they couldn't "see" something wrong with me. So, I get that too.

I always felt different, but a large part of that was the predatory nature of children. I was subjected to such cruelty because I didn't fit in. Still, before all that happened, I always felt as if there was a 12-inch wall of glass between me and all the other kids.