Gender double standard and Autism

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OK, Galvatron wrote this: "People often suggest "why don't you just date a woman with Asperger's?", overlooking the fact that most Aspie women don't have as much trouble attracting, dating, and marrying NT men. " I don't see problems in relationships mentioned too often regarding Aspie-women, although the survey you would like to see may yield to somewhat different results than in the above poll (which, however horrible from a male perspective, seems to be more in line with what I see around myself). Nevertheless, I don't see Aspie-men around myself being in relationships that are easy to them.

That does sound good in theory, but this Winston fellow reeks of snake oil. And it isn't a feasible option for me, as I cannot afford to relocate to another country. I grew up in Libya because my mother married a man from there, and I never liked it. And even when I did try to go back there some years ago, there were many complications which prevented that. And I ended up losing my passport and owing the US government money, and I cannot get my passport back until that debt is repaid. I can't even get into Canada with a passport anymore.

Interesting, it sounds much like myself. I liked the idea being in a relationship, but for the same reasons, failed to be in one for a reasonably long time. Nevertheless, I still don't exclude the idea being in one sometime in the future, it just has to be Aspie-friendly, not overwhelming, overstimulating. Separation in space and time would be the key factors.

For that bold bit, google "confirmation bias." Everyone's vulnerable to it. I'm not saying I am not. That's why I said I wanted more thorough, more nuanced data because just knowing someone is in a relationship isn't really enough data to go on to say "easier time."

I see a lot of autistic women with relationship problems and problems getting into relationships. I see that it may be easier to be asked out, but that doesn't mean that one is going to automatically end up in a relationship. If one does end up in a relationship, that's no guarantee that it will be a healthy, safe relationship.

Here's one of those threads in which autistic women on this forum discuss some relationship problems that barely even get a mention in these envy threads: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211987.html - and you even posted to it.

This article discusses that vulnerability to abusive partners: http://www.scn.org/autistics/abuse.html

Last edited by Verdandi on 07 Jul 2013, 5:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm not ruling it out, but I am not actively looking, either.

I find that not to be true at all. I think that women/girls are harder to diagnose, not because they struggle less, but because our struggles are less obvious. It also means that more boys/men than girls/women get the help and support they need to fulfil their potential and lead a more independant life.

As far as getting laid goes, many men will sleep with just about any woman, no matter how 'odd' she seems to the NT population. This does not mean that her life is not a struggle. Getting laid is not the pinnacle of successful life, IMHO.

And having relationships... I guess some of you out there will not think I have relationship-struggles because I have a history with several relationships in the past. But I would like to point out that they are all in the past. I have been broken up with and cheated on and been 'mislead' on more counts than I care to admit, and most of the instances it had everything to do with my ASD. I have not had a romantic relationship in 7 years because I just can't find it in me to try anymore. I have resigned to accept that I am not the kind of woman that a (NT?) man can love and care for and stay faithful to, because I am too high maintanence. I need my time, I need my space, I need straight talk, I don't understand the NT love language. I cannot provide a man with the basic cornerstones of a healthy relationship.
My most successful relationship lasted for several years, and the only reason it lasted was because it was long-distance. We met for a week every other month or so, the rest of the time he lived in his house in his country living his own life, independant of me. And I did too, of course. So when we did get together, it was carefully planned, I knew what to expect, and I got to recharge for 6-8 weeks before our next encounter. We didn't have to face the every-day drudgery of cohabiting, and that is the only reason we didn't fall apart sooner.

So to make a sweeping conclusion that women don't suffer from ASD because you can't get laid or can't get into a relationship is faulty at best, and downright sexist at worst.

Agreed as another female aspie. Could not have said it better myself. I spent most of my life being abused (emotionally and physically) because I did not know how to read people and because my weirdness was just not acceptable.

Women have an easier time getting casual sex.

That's it.

They do not have it "easier" when it comes to forming and keeping RELATIONSHIPS.

That's a critical distinction these brainless threads tend to to ignore.

Soooo......

My mother was beaten and raped by her father when she was a little girl. Was she "lucky" just because she got to have sex with a man?

Her first husband was a drug addict who assaulted her on a regular basis.

Her second husband was a drunk and I can remember sitting in my room and listening to him loading his guns while waiting for her to get home from work.

Her next three subsequent boyfriends beat the crap out of her.

But......according to you and some of the other "winners" posting on this thread, she never "struggled" with relationships by the very fact she had them. Apparently, merely being in a "relationship" or having sexual contact with another human being is proof positive that you have it "easier." I guess I can comfort my mother by telling her about how much better her life is than a bunch of guys on the internet who can't get laid (and how being beaten and raped is so much better than being a lonely virgin).

Assault/rape > being a dateless guy.

Thanks for that wisdom and insight. I don't know how I got along before I had a bunch of men to lecture me on what being a woman was REALLY like.

I never said every women has it easy. I've even said that there are aspie women who do struggle in dating,sex,relationship.

miss x files, I am very sorry about your mothers abuse. I hate abuser men.
yes,your mother did have it tough. being abuse is terrible.

You SAID, " .......but any women who claims to struggle but has a husband,boyfriends,fwb,casual sex I am not going to listen to."

In other words, if a woman has a "relationship and/or sex" then she isn't "struggling."

That's crap with a capital C.

Having a "relationship" =/= not struggling.

I am talking about women who are in a good relationship,enjoy casual sex,and having a fwb.
that complain that their dating life is just as hard or harder than men who never done anything
with a women.

I am not talking about women in abusive relationships.any women in abusive relationship
has it tough.

there a difference between
womenA: ''I have it hard in dating,but I have a great husband, and before that 5 b.f
womenb: I can't keep a relationship, but my fwb is awesome, plus last month
I had sex with 3 guys,it was awesome, but how dare you men (who never kiss a girl)
say you have it worst than me
vs
womenc:every guy I date abuse me, I hate my life
womend:why no man stays with me, no man will ever love me.

women I find annoying are the a,b women
not c,d women.

Somehow I have a feeling that "confirmation bias" applies to XFilesGeek (and perhaps others, too). I agree with her that these threads are brainless (too much emotion put into them). I wouldn't confuse "having casual sex" with "being in a relationship", though. A relationship can be bad, but so far no such information, even on "poll" level (I'm not totally sure about that, will look for). However, I will read the recommended article, and hope there will be such research as verdandi mentioned soon to clarify matters.

I've not read the entire thread, so I hope this has not been stated already. I'm responding to the original post.

Just because gender roles dictate that women be shy and demure, it does not by any means mean that we females on the spectrum have it any easier. If anything, it may be more difficult in some ways because our disability (or however you prefer to call it) is then hidden. I was not diagnosed with AS until a year ago this month. I'm almost 26. I went my entire life without ever knowing or realizing that something was truly different about me--that my struggles are unique and NOT shared by everyone. Just as I was starting around 8 or so years ago, we are often diagnosed with several "umbrella symptoms" (comorbids) before anyone even considers AS or ASD. That doesn't included the fact that many people still think that females cannot and do not ever have autism as well as fail to realize that autism is a spectrum.

At lease with you guys you are often found out and diagnosed sooner because it is more visible in you.

So don't think that we don't struggle; because we do face many challenges as well. Because how my AS affects me is hidden, I am often assumed to be lazy and unmotivated--even by my own father! My family (and even I, myself) still struggle to understand my AS and how it affects me, so it is all too easy to have expectations placed on me that are too high. It is damaging to constantly be told "you can do it, you are smart/intelligent/capable" only to fail or struggle as much as I do.

And yeah, don't try to reference fictional characters in a TV show. They are not real and may not be accurate. (I've never seen/heard of it before, but I see a lot of people here take issue with some movie called Rain Man? Fictional character does not equal every person with similar difficulties.)

I specifically stated that confirmation bias applies to everyone. I did not say it only applies to people with whom I disagree.

I also pointed out that there are in fact discussions on this forum in which women discuss relationship struggles. The polls are not meaningful because they are completely anecdotal and self-selecting.

The problem with this thread is not that it is about someone's difficulties with relationships, but rather because he is trying to make his problem somehow about how women supposedly have it better than he does. It's not enough that he has problems, but they have to be the worst problems ever experienced. That's just...pointlessly competitive. Who wants to win that competition?