A Lack of Fear

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I usually feel fear all the time when something happens, but I can remember once when the fear came afterwards. I was walking my dog and we stopped for a red light. I had him leashed on one of those flexi leashes that can become as long as 8 meters. I hadn't locked it. A car passed by and in that car was a dog who barked. Viggo ran out into the street after the car with the dog. Another car was coming down in the lane he was running. Thankfully I didn't freeze, I just reacted and pulled him back. I got him back onto the sidewalk just in time, then the car rushed by. Then my reaction came. My legs turned to jelly and I cried and wanted to shake him good. (I didn't of course, it was just the fear that made me angry, just like parents become afraid if they think their children are home late and then become angry when the child comes home safely).
I kept replaying that scenario over and over for quite some time, and got shaky every time.

This sounds about right for me;

I have Alexithymia, my emotions are generally hard to gauge and terribly delayed at the best of time, if I feel them at all.
I am not reckless with money, and do get anxiety. But the anxiety in my opinion, is probably a build up of delayed fear that I've not noticed so long it's managed to manifest into anxiety.

I'm always crossing the road carelessly and get kinda excited at the idea of being in a fight, if someone confronts me with the idea they'd attack me, my instinct is to stand there and allow them to try so I can then engage in a fair manner because I didn't start it, but I kinda wanna see how good I am at fighting/enduring one. I'd probably suck, and fear should stop me but it evidently doesn't.
I was more fearless before I got stalked though, that gave me a social anxiety so it's a bit harder to tell how I am now.

I feel like I have a lot of adrenaline inside that can't get out, so would like to try bungee jumping. I think that thrill seeking side and the feeling of having too much adrenaline might add to the lack of fear. It's like I'm constantly in a fight stage, like COME AT ME IF YOU DARE! sort of mode.

I think the problem simply might be, that you are getting used to surpress or ignore your fear, and instead focus on coping. So I am afraid to drive to work during week, when there are people, because of me knowing, that it will be exhausting, and that I will have little shocks the whole day and that it will be terrible, but I drive there because I have to. The same is with shopping, you know it is horror, but you simply need to go there, so you surpress your fear and simply do it, ignoring your beating heart. The same it is with family celebrations, friends birthday parties... you are afraid of it, because of you knowing that there will be horrible stuff, and too much noise, and too much people, and that you will be totally in the ass for the next days, because of that, but you got used to ignore and endure that to a certain limit, and instead focus on coping.

The girlfriends of my real (male) friends, found it so horrible, when they heard that I am such a poor girl and didnt have enough own female friends to have a "girl pre-wedding party", so they decided to surprise me with one. I simply was negatively overwhelmed from the beginning, when they suddenly stood surprisingly all cheering before me, I simply wanted to run away, while I knew to be expected to smile and cheer and after the first shock I simply was focused on "Oh god, you need to act like an NT would, oh god, oh god, dont show them how afraid you are and that you dont like that, they wont understand..." that I simply never got into the situation that I could think about the whole situation. I was so focused on doing as I was supposed to do by them. Including Bungee jumping. When my partner saw the video of it, he was shocked because of me looking as if I would fell consciousness the next second and being completely white in the face, before the jumping, but I simply didnt feel it myself then and always concentrated on meeting their expectations and behaving right, including "Simply do what you are told to, and right now you are supposed to do, what the man explaining the stuff is telling you to do." On the day itself, because of everything being too much, I simply never found the time to even realize, that everything was simply to much for me, and I ran around two days like a "Everything is fine, I am well, I cope well, everythings ok..." zombie. Then suddenly on the first evening that I had time to relax and come down a bit, I suddenly shivered and whenever I blocked my mind for some seconds, I suddenly had the feeling of falling suddenly down in horror and my heart was beating heavily.

I know that they meant it in a very good way, but it simply was horrible. I know, that if I hadnt been so shocked, I would have known, that I "would have been " allowed to say, that I didnt want to do the bungee jumping, and that they would have "allowed" it, but in that situation I simply was overwhelmed, by their surprise appearance, and simply couldnt think and only focused on doing what being told and expected, that it simply didnt come to my mind, that it all got too much for me to handle.

That reminds me of another thing I've noticed. It seems like if I constantly feel one emotion, pretty much nonstop, I'll stop noticing it. For example when I was being bullied at school, I was pretty much terrified all the time, but I was only aware of feeling scared when it peaked (usually causing a meltdown). The rest of the time, I was still scared but I didn't notice it consciously. I only realized it when summer vacation came and I started feeling safe again.

Yikes! I'm totally impressed that you were able to go along with all of this and keep your cool. I'm sure you got lots of points with the on-lookers for being a good sport, especially after the bungee-jumping, but Yikes! I'm not convinced that it was a very friendly thing to do, on their part.

I have lack of fears. I don't have fears that normal people have. I think it is a symtom from what i remember

I've definitely had similar experiences. Particularly, I'll recognise negative feelings once I'm removed from the situations causing them after much exposure. I'm very appreciative of all your insights, by the by.

"What is the difference between fear and anxiety?"

I was wondering the same thing while writing my first post, decided to look up a few things. That was based on my definition, thought I'd consult a third party.

I'm not suggesting Wiki is *the authority*, and I don't always agree with what's posted on there.

Fear; quoting Wikipedia:

In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible.

Fear should be distinguished from the emotion anxiety, which typically occurs without any certain or immediate external threat... Fear is frequently related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.

It is worth noting that fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable. Fear can also be an instant reaction to something presently happening. All people have an instinctual response to potential danger, which is in fact important to the survival of all species.

By those definitions, this is at least in my case, quite a puzzle. I appear to experience fear in an inconsistent fashion. Perhaps this aligns with something I've said for years: "the only consistent thing about the spectrum is that it is inconsistent".

"ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response)"
Recongize danger: most of the time.
Confront danger: always, possibly to the point of recklessness, provided it can be overcome (think oncoming train = avoid).

"but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible"
Never. However, I did experience this for 10 years when I was a child with night terrors, many of which I could not recall afterward.

"anxiety, which typically occurs without any certain or immediate external threat"
Practically never; if I do experience this it is not at a conscious level.

"fear is frequently related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance"
Escape and avoidance: often, related to certain events. That said it is still difficult for me to believe I fear pool parties, seems like overkill to me.

"anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable"
Often appearently; ie I fall into the "I must go to work, even though I hate it" and "I am my work" even when I know the first is a choice and the second simplely not true.

"fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable"
Continuation of a situation that is unacceptable; yep, my work and commute right there (to name a couple.

"fear can also be an instant reaction to something presently happening"
Instant reaction; most of the time with strange exceptions. There are cases when I've saved lives (or my own) with instant reaction and others where I simplely did not react. In cases where I did or did not react, my condition is puzzling to NTs. They don't understand how I avoided near-death or near-disaster without a second thought (literally). Then again this puzzles me too sometimes.

To sum up, if I go with Wikipedia definition, I do experience fear and anxiety although not as they defined them as far as I can tell.

Perhaps it is true that I experience these conditions so often I cannot preceive them, even the partial definition match. For several years I believed I was immune to boredom but later realized I was always bored. RDS?