Learning "normal" behavior with age?

Post Reply New Topic

I feel like I have taught myself and learned quite a few things about socializing as I got older. I don't think this is a bad thing since it lets me get along with other people better and make/keep friends. I'm talking about things like listening skills, learning how to be compassionate towards others, how to explain things without talking down to people or blabbing too much, and so forth. I don't really think this is "faking it" or "covering things up" for me-- just part of the process of learning about the world and how to deal with it.

Could you explain? It seems that NT social skills start declining around age 28. By age 50, a good portion of NT men have no social skills at all and are similar to a teenage male aspie.

Thank you for the ego boost, lol. At the age I am now I really don't see the whole clique thing as much any more, but elementary school is a lot different than the real world.

Also, on the general topic of this forum a lot of people are echoing my own sentiments on it- maybe it's not so much learning to un-aspie yourself as it is "growing up".

I never grow up. I'm still the same awkward age-inappropriate weirdo. Autism/AS is a life-long condition. Just getting older doesn't fix it. I don't expect to become "normal" in the future and I don't really want to.

I'd agree that I'm still a weirdo, and that's never going to change. I've just become better at putting on a non-weirdo mask when the time is needed.

I find that I was better att mimicing the NT population between my teens-mid-20's. After that I just didn't care so much anymore about fitting in. I think it has a lot to do with growing up, I learned to be like everyone else superficially, then I gained the wisdom to see that I really don't have to try and be a perfect NT.

jk, I've learned to accept myself for who and what I am as well. But since I have a job, and have to deal with the NT world on a daily basis, I've had to learn to fit in as well as I can.

I recall being taught in drivers' education back in the seventies that regular, heavy drinkers don't get less drunk than the neophyte type; they simply get better at masking the effects. I think the same effect applies here. Aspies who do have jobs and other responsibilities simply have to get better at masking our problems even if our problems aren't self-imposed. And the more we mask those problems, the better we get at doing it. Practice makes perfect.

I plan on retiring when I'm 55 (I'm 51). One of the biggest things I look forward to is not having to go through that struggle of having to appear normal, and not having to deal with any people I don't want to. As the existentialist novelist Albert Camus is alleged to have said, "nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy to be normal". That's an energy I would rather expend on more productive pursuits.

I think that this happens naturally to all people on the spectrum in varying amounts. Many people I talk to have said they have learned skills as they have aged, even when they weren't trying to learn anything. It comes with life experience.

I have improved a lot since I was a child.
At the age of 7 when I came to school I was an absolute idiot.
I couldn't remember my classmates' names or faces. I couldn't talk to them because I didn't understand half of what they were saying. I knew nothing about the relations between them. I couldn't follow what the teacher was telling. Any question, even the simplest one, threw me into a stupor.
I remember once the teacher told me to go to the staffroom and bring the class book. It was just impossible, it included finding my way there and back again, talking to people... and I could neither say I couldn't do it nor ask for help. I just went out of the classroom and I was standing in the corridor until somebody noticed me and asked what was wrong.

Now, I'm still very stupid in many things but at least I can communicate. I can ask my stupid questions again and again until I hear every word of the answer and understand it properly.
Actually, what I've learned is some confidence and I would even say indifference. It goes easier if you're not afraid of being looked upon like a weirdo.

Well, I think I've learned some skills like reading obvious emotions from people's faces, and I can for example imitate normal eye contact (counting seconds while looking into somebody's eyes and choosing moments to look away) and I can talk to strangers to ask whatever I need BUT I'm afraid all those skills are not that reliable. I know that a combination of certain factors like a hard working day plus some emotional stress plus some sensory overstimulation can bring all my efforts to nothing.

Now, I wonder what's gonna happen when I grow older. I've read that some social skills can deteriorate with age.

having not heard of autism, i had no idea that there was an NT world....
i thought all things were given to you free. i thought food was free and had no idea you could ask for it, or 'earn' it, or whatever. i was and still am like a little bird when it comes to food. just feed me and i'll chirp. hehe

without learning enough "coping machanisms", NT behavior, or other noted ways of handling life from an AS perspective, i found myself on the verge or tears today at the human resourses office where i work, but my face did n't show it, much. i was offended and hurt by the person, who said, 'you are a liability'. they work with AS persons very much, where i work, and tried to cover up their comment to me, but with my understanding of language i had outbursts on the way home from there..... i felt like temple grandin, whom i admire. i said I remind myself of Temple Grandin.
so, like Temple, it seems if i speak loudly, i am speaking from my own mind. a lot of other 'stuff' i say is mimicking and not really what i think, (or want or need to say). Thank you, Temple.
i hope this continues to help me, realizing there is a best way for me to communicate. but am i alone in being ashamed to speak? when i do lately, i have been yelling. it seems to me that i am just communicating the best i can since no one seems to listen if i don't yell..... i am not understanding of the "NT" way, of course. and was told i was "yelling" so that is how i know........ it wasn't yelling to me.
but am intriqued at the idea that yelling makes me feel like me, not (them or) anyone else. and thus, i am communicating what i want to, not what someone else might/would/could say.

ha! haha. okay, i was yelling recently, and for so long that it seemed to affect my throat. hmmm, there could be another strategy? but i DID overcome a meltdown. i came to chat at WP and actually got some good advice. i may go there more often.. MAY being the emphasized word. of course, you may not know it but i do not like to commit to anything.. i like to have my options open so i can do what i need to do for myself. living in a tough situation, i have not got all of what it takes to cope and continue well, but i am writing this and liking it, so finding some coping is fine... i just hope to keep it on the 'up and up'
signing off, take care

I would never have learned anything on my own. I met some friends when I was about 13 who saw something in me some how or other, and decided to help me "not be so shy". I wasn't shy, I didn't know what to say or how to say it or understand how anything worked. I understood concepts that had been explained to me since birth, things my grandmother thought were important but they had absolutely no application in my life. My friends taught me how to notice things and see things and what things meant and over time I got better and better and picked up more and more. Now I'd pass for damn near "normal". But I'm not. Diagnosed AS in my 40s. Up until then I thought I had just been awkward and while not exactly shy, I knew I was something else.

I have always copied other people, everyone does, it's how kids learn social norms and learn social skills but me I copied anyone. I didn't know what normal behavior was nor knew there was normal behavior and not normal behavior and I didn't know behavior was different for each age group, what may be acceptable for a three year old would not be acceptable for a seven year old. When my mom found out I was copying inappropriate behavior at school in my special ed room, mom and dad got me out of there but not right away. Then after that I was in mainstream classrooms and my parents refused to have me in a special school for kids with learning disorders because they wanted me to learn appropriate behavior and have better social skills. My school even wanted me in a behavior program class and my parents knew what it would do to me. My parents always had to figure out what caused a certain behavior out of me because most of it was always learned behavior. It was like I was never myself because I was always a sheep. I didn't even know there was such thing as being yourself. It was like I had different personalities. Me copying other kids has gotten me into trouble before and I always had to learn the hard way. But it never stopped me from copying others. I just don't do things to other people I don't like being done to me or wouldn't want done to me, that gets me into less trouble. This probably isn't typical of an aspie to do what I did growing up. From what I know, most of them don't copy other people or do what they do and some who do don't read the cues or understand a situation so it gets them into trouble like it did for me so I know there are aspies that do copy others and do what others do to try and fit in. But most of them say it's exhausting and I never found it exhausting so I will never understand how doing something like screaming in school (which I thought was school behavior) would be exhausting or laughing when others laugh. It was like I could be whoever I wanted to be.

I guess I should be proud I am a different aspie because I am different than the others with it. I was different than other NTs which I hated and I am different than other aspies which sometimes makes me feel bad about myself, then I ask myself what's wrong with being different? I don't think I will ever be like anyone else with the same disorders than me because I can't relate to their anxiety or depression or pregnancy because they are experiencing I have never experienced with those. Occasionally I may relate if they are like me but if they are different, I can't relate. I also think I don't belong in any category but I still have something.

Also reading books helped me. I used to read kid books like Let's talk about Cheating, Let's Talk about Showing Off, Let's talk about Being a Poor Sport and it showed me what the behaviors were and I knew those behaviors were a no no because if I did X, people would think I was showing off. I wanted to be a likable person and have friends and be normal. None of it worked but it did help me feel good inside being a new person I wanted to be. Now I don't really care about fitting in or worry what people will think. I am not in school anymore so I don't have to worry about getting bullied or teased and I gave up on trying to get people to like me because it didn't work when I would try to change. So I just be myself and not try and impress people. Once they have made up their mind about you, you cannot change their minds or even try and convince them. They will change their minds if they want to but you can't make them. I also gave up on trying to have friends because why have friends if they don't have anything in common? You cannot impress people. There may be exceptions of course like having to wear certain shoes to work and jeans and doing the work a certain way they want it.

But I am still a different person than childhood. I wouldn't even want to go back to being my childhood self because I don't even like that person and wouldn't want that person around either and I think my life is easier and I realize it was harder back then. I also think us moving did help because kids still saw me as the person I was when they first knew me but in our new area, kids didn't know what I was like when I was little so they saw me as how they saw me the first time we met so I wasn't bullied nor harassed. My therapist may have been correct about my social skills being better so that was the reason why I am not bullied in school. I also figured it was because it was a small town and I was in special ed and had an aid and people are shunned more in small towns for picking on a different person because they stand out more.

I've learned how NOT to blab - I've had too many negative responses to my conversation. That doesn't mean I've learned NT behavior. It just means I've isolated myself more. I don't start conversations. I never socialize. That just protects me from pain and rejection. I still have all the Aspie behaviors I've always had.

STEP 1
We all learn to act NT. It's called survival
Either you learn to fit in, or you become unemployed.

STEP 2
Later on, after you've been fired a number of times, you learn that surviving is not the same as living. And then, if you're really lucky, you get a diagnosis and discover who you are.

STEP 3
You learn when to be NT and when to be an Aspie. This is called happiness

Well, if it's likely to be helpful to you, just do it. Developing yourself as a person (and being more of the person you want to be) is not a betrayal to yourself.