Reactions when telling people you have Aspergers

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Oh, and the being 23 and just realizing part. Totally get it.

I denied suspected adhd from drs and counselors for years. Had one doc tell me I was bipolar so I immediately walked out. Raising 2 autistic children that I denied being autistic at first. Not a blatant denial, I literally did not see it. I was so wrapped up in the fantasy land of my external creation that I literally did not see it. Teachers saying things, parents saying things, and them both needing physical and occupational therapy, both with food aversions, and one needing speech therapy after being mute until about 2. I never looked for why, I just focused on label free treatment.

Then it hit me like a freaking train. My kids are autistic!
The therapists cannot diagnose so they never brought it up and I never asked.

I was looking for an aspergers test for my son and I stumbled upon Aspie Quiz. Decided to take it and got the WTF!? :/

This was May 24th 2013! I'm 32 and since then an extended family member that I did not know and is a professional confirmed, whether dsm iv or v criteria, I have an ASD/Aspergers and as a child would have most likely been diagnosed Autistic/tourettes with my incessant throat clearing and rocking. My parents did nothing when I was growing up; they did not like labels; I prefer it this way. What I am is pure. Throw an autistic into the world and let him deal with it, pure.
Love me, hate me, I finally just don't give a shi+!

@OP
Honestly, I completely understand where you're coming from here.

For us, the terms "Asperger's" and "Autism" and "ASD" are so relevant and explanatory, and it's only natural to expect that it should mean at least SOMETHING to those we're close to.

Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn't.... or maybe sometimes their understanding is delayed. For us, this is such a deflating experience. It's like telling someone we just got married (because of the meaning and impact) and their response being an apathetic switch to the previous topic of conversation (football, anyone?).

It can be very discouraging. Here you are, revealing something very personal about yourself that would explain SO MUCH if they could understand. You're a bit vulnerable here. To be dismissed with a shrug is so... I can't really articulate it.

I understand. As for myself, I usually have a more comprehending response from others, but please know that your dilemma is understood. You might try to put together an explanation that would help your listeners better with their comprehension, but yes, it's a discouragement. I'm sorry you're not getting the understanding you ought to have.

Here's a sampling of some of the reactions I've gotten (I'm paraphrasing some):

"I knew there was something different about you."
"I already knew that."
"If I saw you on the street, I probably wouldn't think anything was different about you, but since I know you, I can see why you think you're an aspie."
"If you were a kid today, you probably would have been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder, with your rainman-like memorization of street names and freakouts over changes."
"Introversion isn't the same thing as Asperger's."
"You have emotions."
"You're much too decent of a person to have Asperger's."

And this isn't a reaction per se, but my mom told me once that she wondered sometimes if I was "a little autistic" when I was a kid. My former supervisor told me a few years back that another coworker had wondered that as well.

A couple of reactions I've had are "no, you're not" and "you don't act like someone else I know who is autistic".

I'd really like to tell more people so that they'd know why I behave like I do and then perhaps they could be a little more understanding and tolerant. But I don't know if I can take those kind of reactions anymore. I don't think they realise how hurtful such dismissals can be. It'd be like if someone told me they had cancer and I dismissed it because they didn't look sick.

The most recent 2, both of whom are fellow clarinettists in my orchestra:

"Really, you're autistic? I know I tease you, but I think you do pretty well talking to me." (I do, because he's smart and nerdy and super easy to talk to.)
Me: "The ease with which I can talk to you is unusual for me."
Him: "Well, I'm honoured."

And the other one:

"Really? YOU have Asperger's? Wow."

Evidently I function pretty well in the context of my orchestra.

Usually the reactions are either "I wouldn't have guessed" or "that explains a lot", or "that explains why (you're so quiet/you're so obsessed with music/etc)".

Ugh, I hate this. The idea in a lot of people's heads apparently that autism/Asperger's = sociopath who doesn't have feelings or care about anybody else's. I hate that some of the people out there who really aren't on the spectrum but claiming to be probably have created that expectation by using it as an excuse to act that way. Like, "I don't give a s**t about anything but getting what I want - I must have Asperger's!"

Mostly, people may have heard of it but know nothing about it, then those who do can be surprised because now my speech is a lot better over the years. I often think ASD can be like carbon monoxide, you can't smell it or really see it but it is always there.

Well so far the people I have told have behaved like I am just making excuses for my behavior rather then offering an explanation for why I behave the way I do, basically I have had 45 years to figure stuff out and autism only effects children

I have meet a 20 year old girl at work (I'm a 45 year old bagger with a 135+ IQ and a 3.9 gpa ) who I am quite certain is on the spectrum but all I have succeed in doing is making her uncomfortable around me, so mixed results at best.

The only reaction I've had so far is "that makes sense".

Maybe they don't notice anything different "enough" about you to really feel they need to know it. Like if you were going to dinner at someone's house and you wanted to inform them of a food allergy so you would be sure and not get any and you told them you were allergic to a very rare and bitter fern that only grows in a section of the Rainforest guarded by armed uncontacted tribes and surrounded by an alligator filled lake. There's not much of a chance of them needing to know that like if it were say, peanuts. They may think it doesn't really effect you and certainly won't effect your relationship with them.

Then again, they don't know that that fern you are allergic to has seeds that are exactly the same as peanuts so therefore, you could easily swell up and die if the fries are cooked in the wrong oil.

Maybe you should bring it up again and tell them that sometimes it does cause you some problems and you might could use a little support or help or a different tactic when that happens. Then tell them just two or three, don't overwhelm them. I tend to overwhelm people with all the info. Don't do that. Give them the most common examples and see where it goes from there. Then totally downplay it after that, so it doesn't become a focus instead of the focus being on the relationship.

When I tell people I usually get one of those four syllable "OooooOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhHHHHH!" Sometimes I get a "So THATS it!" and I say "Yep, THATS it" and usually laugh so they don't feel bad. I usually come across like a very eccentric NT and sometimes very intense and at times a bit of a bore to listen to when I explain everything to death, then resurrect it and explain it again until I'm sure it's dead. I usually just tell them "I don't get subtle things most of the times and I cannot take a hint at all when it's given to me, but I can recognize one otherwise, so you'll just have to tell me what you are hinting at and I promise I won't be offended". I also let them know that it's perfectly ok to tell me they don't want to hear anymore about whatever subject I'm yammering on about at that moment, although I don't do that all the time. Just sometimes. Mostly I carry on normal conversations. It also explains why I may just say something totally inappropriate but true when that's the topic and I'm comfortable with them enough to even though I know enough to actually be able to be quiet or tell a good social lie.

Personally, I'd rather get the Rainforest fern response because I'd feel a bit less noticeable.

I've gotten pretty good at faking NT behavior, and in my experience NT's are less likely to entrust aspies with responsibilities, so I just don't tell people.

Folks who have worked or lived with people in the spectrum tend to see through the facade and recognize what I am, but so far they've been very respectful of my desire to not advertise it.

I have received several reactions. The most common one within my close friends is "but you're so normal!" or "you must be very high functioning."

Another reaction I have received was along the lines of "but you're an adult. Adults can't have autism." The one that has annoyed me the most, especially after I plucked up the courage to tell someone is: "Oh, is that all. Asperger's isn't that bad, I mean you're just awkward." I get frustrated with telling someone and then having them brush it off like either my Asperger's isn't a big deal or the massive amount of trust I had t scrape together wasn't worth much.

Like the girl on Glee. Her character really did a disservice to people with Aspergers.

I am very open about my asperger's, but I don't really expect people to want to learn more about it. I have learned the hard way that most of the time people don't care about you being autistic, and honestly, I don't really want to shift the conversation to be entirely about me. Honestly, by exposing yourself as autistic and trying to get people to inquire forth is only setting you apart more.

I have for the first time disclosed my diagnosis to someone who has known me for a while (my line manager). Unlike my parents every time I try to talk to them about it, the reaction was actually one of "this explains a lot, there was always something I couldn't put my finger on" etc.

I suspect the reactions I've gotten are pretty abnormal - discussions about how people have learned social skills through roleplaying games and about how this differs and is similar for people on the autistic spectrum.