Fed up wioth Mum sticking her head in the sand

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Ok, that's it. I've had enough.

When I was first diagnosed with AS last year, I told my mum who seemed shocked, (as I expected) and said she needed time to come to terms with/get over the shock. I gave her several pieces of infdormation, and left her two books with bookmarks at the points I thought she would find informative and interesting. When I went back at Christmas, she said she'd been "too busy" to read any of it so I though "fair enough" and so left the stuff again. I got back on Saturday, and the stuff stioll hasn't been read.

This morning, Dad went out so I thought Mum and I could talk about it a little but whenever I brought the subject up. Mum just grunted. The next time I tried she was reading her book and again I got a grunt.

This hurts because this is important to me. From my Mum's reaction when I told her of my diagnosis, I thought she'd be shocked for a while, then look at information about it and find out it's not as bad as it seems (my mum hears "autistic" and she thinks of Rain Man, but is usually willing to learn, so thought it might help.) But no. She'#s buried her head in the sand. I can't see any way past this so as far as I'm concerned now if she's burying her head in the and she can darn well leave it there. I'll take the books and papers back and be done with it-I can think of a few people i know who will read them. This is not the first time I've tried to address the issue (And priobably won't be the last, as I'll hope *something* will get though, but it hurts to bad to try and talk and be brushed off, or even worse come second to some darn FICTION BOOK! GRRR!

*(Sorry, but that's a major sore point!)

Sorry to rant, but does anyone else have this situation, or even have ideas of how I can deal with this or get her to listen to me in a way that won't make her close off even more (which is why shouting at her would be counterproductive, although sometimes I feel like doing so!)

Thanks

JulieArticuno

I'm sorry your Mum is being stubborn.

Maybe you could try writing a letter about how you feel and how your her refusal to discuss it is hurting her.

I had some issues (not aspie issues) with my dad a few years ago and I wrote him a letter and posted it (it took me about 2 weeks to write it).

At first Dad was really hurt but he took on board everything I said in the letter and we have a great relationship now.

Good luck!
Smelena

Heh, the old man(my term for my father. He hasn't taken offense to it yet...) is a stubborn guy.

He alludes to the possibility I might have AS, just like both his sisters, but at the same time he's skeptical.

I think it might be that he's worried, and convinced, that it might be true, but doesn't want me to be labelled in a detrimental way. Probably just how he grew up. It was bad to have medical labels in his day. Or at very least, if I'm going to take a label, find a way to exploit the government with it. I know he cares, and is looking out for me. I think part of it, is the primary treatment(from my own research) appears to be group therapy and behavioral training. Not pushing every psychoactive drug known to man just to make the drug companies richer.


I dunno. I'm shutting up.

I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing these difficulties.

To be honest, I think you have to question why your mother would be 'shocked'. My mother has a very negative attitude towards disability - she thinks it is shameful and that it should be hidden and that you should cover it up as best you can. She even freaked out when I told her I was dyslexic!

I think that you need to figure out what specifically is the difficulty for your mother. If it is that she has a negative attitude or a fear of disability, or that she is in some way ashamed, you need to try to confront her on this and challenge these views.

Whenever someone decides to have a child, they must be aware that there is a chance that their child could have a disability. The difference between the parents for whom this is an insurmountable problem and those for whom it is not really considered a 'problem' at all is their attitude towards disability.

Perhaps you need to start you mum on some disability equality literature first.

Also, it might be worth starting by focusing on aspies who are well known / famous for their achievements, e.g. einstein, Isaac Newton, Bill Gates etc. You don't even have to mention the AS - you could just find a biography of these people that mentions that they have AS, but just recommend it to you mum as a good biography - nothing else - and see if that would serve as a good introcution to the topic.

my mum is very pro-aspergers. i was diagnosed as a child when i lived w/ my dad, but he did not believe i had it. i asked about it when i was older, and he said he first read about it and thought it described himself, me, and my sister. then said after more information, he thought it wasn't AS, but something else. he does not know what else though. when i was a kid he never told me. i used to ask the person giving me a test about the results, whats it for, was i right, etc; but they never told me. finally, i stopped asking.
one time at the eye doctor, i did not even know what kind of doctor i was at, and he showed me these blobs and asked what letter i could see in them. over half of them i couldnt see any, some i saw what looked sorta like a letter, and others i saw perfectly. i was so used to wondering, but not being told what the test was for, that i didnt ask. i thought it had something to do w/ my mind or brain, if i could solve these puzzles i didnt even understand or w/e. anyways i didn't notice i was colour blind until i was 14-15.
when i was 11, i moved in w/ my mum. she had me retested for all this AS stuff, but told me what it was. i was proud of myself, i was 11 at a grade 11 math level anyways i think my mum saw this and found it very interesting, starting reading about it and everything. she worked at a care home. a few years later some aspie guy came into the care home and she apparently helped him a lot. now she works at the Y's day care thing with some little girl who has AS, and has been offered jobs caring for other AS kids and even offered a job at some AS/autism research place. my brother also seems to be taking an interest in this.

Oh Julie, you and I share a mother.

Let me tell you about MY mother. She has a PhD in international education and was the director of a college library, so I know she knows how to look stuff up. I hated my mother until very recently, because I couldn't believe anybody could be as narcissitic and uncaring as she. Then I discovered I had AS two years ago. i told her about it, expected her to research it, which I expect she did, and her one sentence response to me was "But when you were young you took ballet classes and did okay" - implying that I was not clumsy therefore I did not have AS.

In the previous two years, i have come to understand more about the spectrum, and as a healthcare professional myself, feel fairly comfortable in saying that I think my mother is actually high-functioning autistic. In supreme denial.

Over the two years I've sent her links, referred to difficulties I have, sent her the aspie quiz, all to no avail. She is convinced that she is the most outgoing, normal person she knows, and absolutely refuses to acknowledge that I have AS.

I give up as well. But I've also forgiven her. In my mind, she is a sad person, somebody so locked up inside their own little world, and I can never change that. So I don't try anymore. Nor do I expect any kind of love or feelings from her. She's simply incapable of many things.

for some1 who has AS u seem pretty ignorant of it. i read aspie(or high functioning autism, if they are 1 in the same) parents have trouble EXPRESSING their love for their children. this does not mean they dont love, its just a very complicated emotion, so they dont understand it or express it the way one would expect.
however i could be totally wrong and not understand ur specific situation

Julie,

I don't know WHY, but she IS typical! As for thinking you are rainman, you have ALREADY done more than he has. As for me, I would LOVE it if I could INSTANTLY see patterns, count pieces, and do math like rainman, never mind the fantastic memory! The ONLY thing he lacked was logic and wisdom, and I have plent of that, and you probably do as well. It is SAD when a woman won't even listen to her own daughter!

Steve

She doesn't think I'm rainman. It's more sdhe thinks autism=rainman=nothing autistic about me. I think she's scared to read the stuff because it'll set her straight and she'll have to accept that I'm not her version of "perfect" I.E. not NT. Mum saud to me when I first told her "if you've got a form of autism does it mean I did something wrong while carrying you or rearing you". I tried reassuring her but her response is "but you don'#t KNOW>"


JulieArticuno

This is common (my view).

One or more parents who stick their head in the sand.

Regarding books, am aware of similar stories like the one you've told.

Even know of several doctors who are not interested in reading books about challenges like ADHD, Asperger's, and Autism.

I tend to make a mental note of it and move on.

wow, you mother is nearly like mine. (the narrow minded fool that she is).
When I told her a few months ago, she sad she didnt know enough about it, and when we had moved house (we were moving house in a week), she would look into it and call the doctor.
When we moved, i gave her time to get settled (or rather, myself), and brought it up again. I had since done so much research and so many tests that info was almost popping out my ears. this time we had a hug argument, mum claiming she just didnt hae time to deal with me, and that if i was labelled, it would ruin my whole life. but eventually i convinced her to phone the doctor. it took her two weeks to phone up, and when she couldnt get an appointment, she just gave up! she kept asking if i wanted to talk this over with her friend first (who has an autistic child), and i said no, i wanted to see a professional.
she told me again, weeks later, that she had gone and told another friend (who is a peadiatric nurse) that i thought i had aspergers, and she said that her friend was 100%sure i didnt have it. without even evaluating me using the criteria! she now thinks that im just a typical insecure teenager, who is underconfident and lookin to give a name no a nonexistent condition i might have, just to fit in! how stupid! i really dont want to bring it up again, not even considering that fact i dont even know how.

sorry about the ranting, but i totally feel for oyu.

I think that I've just flashed back to 2007, and it was a very dark experience. I have to check my hair in the mirror, and make sure it's not spiked. These old threads really should be left, to rest.

It's hard to talk to someone who won't listen, I'm sorry your mum acts like that. I've never understood it TBH, I guess it is - as you say - because of the stupid media stereotypes. People become closed minded about the whole thing.