First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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WerewolfPoet: You're welcome! Good luck - will be thinking of you on the big day.

Waterfalls: I don't have any kids and was mainly going by what I have been told by a friend who has autistic sons she advocates for in their school system. I don't recall names of things or details in that way, but, I do recall she often has to be very forthright with insensitive types and can be very feisty when sticking up for her sons. She describes it as a constant fight.

It shouldn't have to be so difficult.

Yes. Not so much in words, but, I do constantly take note of any changes in mood, signs of boredom, signs of interest, signs of increased interest, amusement, or other reactions. That helps me to know when to cut something short or when to keep going, or when to emphasize a topic or some humor more for that person. I think it's one reason NT focus so intently on eyes and face.

Some NT are not as aware of doing this but they will absorb the cues subconsciously nonetheless.

I'm speaking generally of course. There are a lot of NT who only think about what they are doing because they are not particularly interested in anyone or anything else.

If someone seems angry it's possible to say "Did I say something amiss?" or "Did I do something wrong?" in many cases. (I would not recommend saying it to a bully type. They would just mock it or something. But most people will likely tell you what if anything they disliked.) That's perfectly acceptable in my opinion. They will interpret it as showing you care about their feelings.

A vaguer way of asking that is "Is everything OK?"

But in the end, miscommunications just happen at times, so, they will have to work out their own reactions too and shouldn't put you on the defensive too much if it's an honest mistake or misunderstanding.

By the way if I'm ever away from the forums for a little while sometimes I'm not feeling well and aren't online as much. But I will pop in often as I can.

Oh and these conversations help me also. They help me a lot to understand those in my life who are on the spectrum so thanks all as well.

Hi StuckWithin,

I'm NT. I really feel like most of what you're saying are "human" reactions to socializing that a lot of people can relate to. You have certain aspie characteristics that may cause these kinds of situations to be more likely for you, but I feel that your feelings about it are just plain human, and something that anyone can relate to.

I'm not a popular NT. In fact, I usually don't fit in. Other NTs have more social success than I do, so I could see myself writing something similar to what you wrote. I probably have different reasons why I don't fit in, but my opinions about it are pretty similar to yours.

I get really exhausted by "shooting the breeze," too. I honestly believe it's because I don't get what I want from it.

If I were a great baker, and I always had impressive results and my homemade pies tasted delicious, I might not mind all the work of rolling out handmade crust (and all the flour mess that comes with it.) But I'm a lousy baker, and my pies are average at best. So all that work is pointless, and if for some reason I am forced to make a pie from scratch, I dread it and it feels like a horrible chore.

The whole point of "shooting the breeze" is to find a topic that is mutually satisfying to talk about. It's kind of like pulling the arm on a slot machine. More often than not, nothing will come of it, but there will be enough times that it leads to a "win" that it feels worthwhile. People who successfully find a mutually satisfying topic more often are going to mind the small talk less.

For me, I have my own reasons why the small talk doesn't lead to a mutually satisfying topic of conversation very much. (It's a long subject which I doubt you're interested in) and so I find small talk draining and pointless.

For you, I suspect the reason why small talk doesn't lead to a mutually satisfying topic enough is because of the aspie/autie trait that you have very specific areas of interest. It's a lot less likely to find a mutually satisfying topic. That's my opinion, anyway.

But then there's another issue -- I believe all human beings choose to spend time around other human beings that make them feel good. That's the whole basis of friendship - I make you feel good AND you make me feel good.

Sometimes there are lousy reasons why someone makes another person feel good. Did you ever watch The Sopranos? There was a moment where Tony realized that the only reason he got so much attention and "friendship" from people was because they were all scared of him. I guess that's not a very good example. But I guess it would feel a lot better knowing you were in Tony's good graces than not.

When I was a teenager and New Kids on the Block was a popular group (I know, I'm ashamed)... there was a girl who claimed she knew one of the band members, so she became really popular. Being around someone who knew a bandmember felt good to a lot of us silly girls, therefore she was popular.

I feel the same rejection you do sometimes when I want to be accepted into a conversation that I feel would be mutually beneficial but I am turned away. There are reasons why I don't make people feel good sometimes. (It's another long story that I'm sure you're not interested in.) But for you, you have identified that you sometimes don't make people feel good because of aspie traits.

Different reasons why the social rejection happens, but same phenomenon, and we have similar feelings about the failure/rejection.

What you are describing is introversion and shyness and NT's can be introverted, shy or both. For those on the spectrum it is more likely to happen and happen more intensely because of neurological difference. Other people on the spectrum want to be with people but present as or actually are introverted, shy, socially awkward because of sensory disorders caused by neurological difference.

I have a few questions. An NT or an aspie can answer. They might sound stupid but I really don't know much about asperger's so I am trying to learn.

1) If someone with asperger's has difficulty socializing what are some things I can do to make them feel more comfortable around me?

2) Do people with asperger's have difficulty talking about personal issues that maybe NTs would be more open to discuss?

3) Why would someone with asperger's get upset if you invited them out some place or initiated a friendship?

Dear Heidi......Sometimes I use it as a gauge as whether or not someone likes me. If I just met someone and knew nothing about them, and they lacked expression in their face or voice it would make me feel as if they were bored and didn't want to talk to me.

Generally speaking I think people (NT or aspie) want to feel accepted and loved. Once someone knows you and understands that your expression or tone is not a reflection of how you feel about them then it shouldn't be a problem. Sometimes people are just insecure regardless of whether they are NT or aspie (in my opinion) and they need validation. Sometimes something as simple as a smile can make another person's day.

"""A question to NTs:
do you notice even the mildest of aspies, do they seem not right to you even if they're really subtle???""""


I never had a clue to when i met my AS BF that he had any quirks! He comes across as a funny intelligent warm person which is his!
Obvioulsy as I've got to know him and be around him he feels comfortable enough to "be himself" and then i do get to see his AS side.

"""""]This is a question for NT's, generally young women NT's but anyone can answer:

What would the best way for an Aspie to tell you that he has Aspergers? A lot of times I meet NT women that are nice and all but they misinterpret my cold gaze and lack of social congruency as stand offish and insecure, and thus refuse to date me. I feel if they know I have aspergers they'll be more prone to understanding how I work and seeing my true colors. I've told some women that I have Aspergers directly but it ends up making things even more awkward""""


My BF just said "" I have something to tell you, I have Aspergers"" I said OK and went and started researching the very next day! It is better to be upfront and self accepting to others about it.

My immediate answer would be "no" most NT's are not that in tune with Asperger's or mild forms of autism so they would not notice. I have experience working with people who are autistic and it also runs in my family so I might be able to pick up on subtle clues that others would not. If there was something you did that was "off" most NTs would chalk it up to a little socially awkward but not AS.

My advice would be to try to develop the relationship online first before launching into a full fledged relationship. Just take things slow. When you meet someone in person they will try to "connect" on more of an emotional level. If they don't feel that then most people won't give it a chance. The only thing that will accomplish is hurt feelings. Not always but from what I have learned.

I think most women would appreciate that anyway for safety reasons. I am not sure I would tell someone right away because it might overwhelm them. Once you have developed a sense of trust maybe you could try doing something you feel more comfortable with and are good at that does not require too much face to face interaction, eye contact, or social interaction (i.e going to a museum, movie, the theater, the symphony). This will take the pressure off having to sustain a conversation.

I wouldn't say anything until you know the person better. I don't think telling someone right off the bat will gain any more acceptance because most people don't understand what AS is and it scare them even when it shouldn't. Such a tough call.

An AS male might be able to speak to his experiences better.

With regards to the first question, I would ask the individual with Aspergers what you can do to make them feel more comfortable around you-everyone with Aspergers has their own traits and so what makes life comfortable for one person with AS may make life intolerable for someone else with the condition. What I personally find makes me comfortable is if people I am conversing with do not make eye contact with me, particularly if I am stressed or anxious about something (which is most of the time as I am a naturally anxious person). However I do know (admittedly a limited number) some people with AS who have no issues with eye contact and don't mind it.

With regards to the second question. again, it really depends on the individual. I personally have difficulty opening up about emotional issues offline and I am a very private person when it comes to talking about my love life but I do have a friend with Aspergers who is the complete opposite and will go into extreme and graphic detail about what she gets up to with her husband and makes everyone blush and cringe with the details!

As for your third question, I am guessing that this individual got upset because you are taking their control away. When you struggle in social situations, control is crucial. If you are organising an outing or an event, the level of anxiety involved decreases because you are in charge and you know what to expect. If somebody else invites you out, you don't know what to expect. Also a lot of us with AS have a negative experience of new friendships as we have been rejected in the past so this individual may be shying away from this friendship because they want to protect themselves against more distress and emotional pain. Over time, they will probably be able to trust you more and your friendship will develop further.

Thanks so much for your post. I hope you are right because we have so much in common.

Unfortunately, she never told me she has Asperger's so I can't really ask her. I just sort of figured it out based on many things. I hate to presume but If I launched into the list you would most likely agree. I think she was sort of trying to tell me without coming right out and saying it. She just asked me not to try to form a friendship that is not possible for her. That made me really sad because I like her for who she is and whether she has AS or not has no bearing. She said she had some very close friendships and a nice family and that was more than she could ask for. I know she said that but I never hear her talk about any childhood friends that she still keeps in touch with. The people she calls friends are all professionals in the field so not sure.

Another do female Aspies feel more comfortable with males over females and if so why?

It's nice to hear feedback.

I have a few questions, they may have already been answered but I looked and could not find them.

These are question for NT's.

1. Do you find eye contact uncomfortable or unnatural?

Could you please estimate what percentage of time you spend looking someone in the eye during a conversation? For example, I would say I may look someone in the eye 5% of time while talking to them.

2. How long will you spend working on something you are interested in? Is it "normal" to stay up all night working on something you like?

3. Why do you interrupt? I interrupt when I have a good idea I want to get out before I loose it. Care and feeding of Your Aspie Part 49 describes this well. Is this not the reason why you interrupt someone as well?

To answer your questions:
1. Not usually unless I'm upset....I don't like people seeing me cry. Not making eye contract actually seems unnatural for me.

I probably look at the eyes somewhere between 75-80% of the time.

2. If I'm working on something I'm interesting in, I must take many breaks and do something else for a bit. I've only stayed up all night working on something because I had to for school in order to get it done. I wouldn't say it is weird to stay up working on something you like though. I know I do my best work/thinking at night.

3. I don't like to interrupt people while they are talking because I hate it when people do that to me. I only interrupt people if I'm fighting with them. Other NTs though do interrupt people for the same reason that you do.

Thank you for your reply.

I find that astonishing.

Also, I usually do not to interrupt for the same reason. But it is extremely difficult for me to process anything a person is saying if I am holding on to an idea.

Any other NT's out there, please feel free to chime in.

I am NT but I also have ADHD which can be similar to AS less the social awkwardness so take some of it with a grain of salt.

1. I have no problem with eye contact. I look people in the eye 90% of the time but that doesn't mean I am looking someone intently in the eye the whole time bc that's not natural either. Usually you dont lock eyes with someone for more than 10-15 seconds and then you would naturally look away for a few seconds then look them in the eye again if that makes sense.

2. I could easily stay up all night working on something I enjoy but keep in mind this is an ADHD thing. The hyper focus piece in AS and ADHD is similar. I usually don't stay up all night though because I have to work the next morning so it require discipline. Sometimes I will avoid things that can become obsessive (i,e. Facebook). I completely deleted my account bc I spent too much time on it. We also have emotional issues similar to AS which is another reason I don't do well with Facebook.

3. Yes I interrupt people (another ADHD thing). I do it because I am impulsive and subconsciously think I am going to forget what I need to say. Sometimes I do it bc someone said something I can relate to so I get excited and want to share a similar experience.

The interrupting I have learned to work on. I make a conscious effort not to do it. I try to wait until someone is finished and not worry too much if I forget what I wanted to say. I try to tell myself that it is more important to listen to what they have to say.

An excellent book to read is How to Win friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I leaned a lot from that book. Most people gravitate towards those who will listen to them.

I personally, as a female with Aspergers, get on better with males. I think this is because I am not into typical "girly" things-I have no fashion sense, rarely wear make up or perfume and am not into celebrity/showbiz gossip which is what I have seen are typical things women are interested in in my local area. I find that I have little in common with most women and so I gravitate more towards men.