If I were to pick an example, it would be something like jumping up on a desk in public - singing and dancing. You don't want to sing and dance on your desk like a fool. It's counterproductive. You won't get any points with making friends, dating, the school/work, etc. You feel bed before you do it, you feel bad while you're doing it and you feel bad after you've done it.
So why did you do it?
Because, in this parallel universe of spontaneous desk-dancing, that is considered normal.
Best way to describe what it's like to have Autism is to ask a "normal" person to for an instant imagine if everyone else in the world had Autism, and they were now the "freak."
I've live with Autism my whole life as has my brother. But I've seen the impact out condition has had on my family. My mother breaks down every month or so, blaming herself because she loves us and con't bring herself to blame us for our family's problems. And I hold her in my arms (since I was eight), telling to her everything was fine and would be alright, lying through my teeth about how I wasn't miserable like she knew I was and that my brother was actually very popular and had lots of friends (a lie too). When we were young, we used to hang out with lots of different people. I used to be friends with everyone in my grade and every weekend was a toss-up over the phone book over which friend I should hang out with if one didn't already make plans with me at school. I was a little different, but I thought at the time that that's what kids liked about me.
But now, at 19 in university... I can't remember the last time I went out with my family or with a friend before High School. The only time I ever get invited to dinners or BBQ's is by family - and I'm sure that's just out of a courtesy to by parents by their siblings who don't want to make them feel like their children are outcasts than we already feel. And the only relatives or family friends I still see talk down to me, like they're worried if they don't talk calm and pleasantly I'll explode and rub s**t in my eyes. I know from observation that's not how normal conversations look (and I've seen enough fake smiles to know it when I see it (there's no cringing around the eyes when it's fake)).
Many of my friends got into parties and nightclubs and concerts when I started High School. But I was never really interested - music sounds better on an Ipod and I don't find screaming over crappy music to be a good conversation. As for drinking and drugs. Well, if I felt that this person was so boring and incompatible to talk with and share ideas with that we needed to be intoxicated to have a good time, I probably wouldn't initially friends with them in the first place. Girls have never liked me or flirted with me. I also didn't agree with the function of flirting. Someone tried to show it to me once and I couldn't help but think lying to get her to date me, only for her to realize later that I'm not who she thought I was and dump me, all felt like it was not worth the effort. Also, if someone did that to my mother, or my sister, or my daughter, I'd beat the s**t out of them after the first "You're very pretty."
Besides girls, like guys, want the perfect man. They may say and do otherwise, but it's what they want. Just like guys want a woman who is a perfect 10 with big boobs who wants sex 3 times a day and who plays League of Legends and watches sport, women want the traditional deep, mysterious, dark, muscular, dangerous, unpredictable but sweet and thoughtful guy they hope they can change. I know this isn't the only type of guys women go for. I look at my father and he's certainly no Dean Winchester or one of the many pre-pubescent pretty Anime boys that girls get blood noses from (I'm not sure what that's suppose to be a reference of, actually). I know people fall in love with people (usually) not for their looks, but for their personality. Well... I could have the most symmetrical face on the hemisphere and it wouldn't matter. The one thing that most couples find attractive in their partners is their ability to understand and sympathize with one another. Asperger's is the polar opposite of that definition. Asperger's is not being able to understand other people's thoughts, feelings and behaviors - at least not instinctively. It doesn't matter if you're black or white, asian, etc., if you're in a wheel chair, speak a different language, part of a different culture or religion, or look like the elephant man. If you have a compatible personality, you can find love. You can sympathize with a man in a wheelchair because you could easily be in a wheelchair yourself. You can sympathize with a cancer patient because YOU could get cancer too and it could be you who was dying. It's why there are so many movies, shows, books, etc., about someone with cancer or in a wheel chair. People can imagine what it's like to be them and feel grateful for what they have.
But mental disorders... unless you have one, you can't know what it's like to have one - no more than I can imagine what it's like to be normal. If I could, then I wouldn't have a disability then, would I. It's why their aren't many portrayals of people like us in popular culture. Sure, their are movies like Ray Man or What's eating Gilbert Grape, but those are about people with family who have mental disorders. You don't see it from Arny or Ray Man's point of view because the audience of people without autism can't possibly image what it's like to be them.
People say they are attracted to what's "different", but that's like different cultures and countries. They want to go overseas and meet exotic people who live differently. However, in truth, there's no real difference between someone in a remote village in Africa to someone living in America. They're both human, and their minds work the same way - the show the same emotions as they do. They keep saying they want to meet new people and experience new things away from their routine lives. But when something different along the lines of Autism comes along (someone who's ACTUALLY different; whose brain works differently - who thinks, feels and behaves differently) they cut and run. I find this to be a savage hypocrisy when people tell ME that I don't get out enough and need to experience the world. I think I've seen a part of the world they can't possibly comprehend. This, to me, is what they seem like:
"I'm going to try every kind of pie out there because I'm adventurous and I like new things."
"How about some meat pie."
"Oh - No, nonononononono, no.... ah, nope, nadda. That has meet in it. I mean every kind of other pie with fruits and dairy and sugar. But meat pies are a whole over plane. They don't count."
The best representation I've seen of this is Stan Marsh from the TV series South Park, episode: You're Getting Old, and its part 2: Ass Burgers. Asperger's is represented in what I feel is the most accurate explanation of what Asperger's is that doesn't "sugar-coat" it. Stan becomes very cynical - everything (music, movies, food, even people) literally turns to s**t for him. He goes to a crappy Adam Sandler movie with his friends and doesn't enjoy it while they have a ball. He can't enjoy anything his friends like, and the only way he can pretend to be normal is by being intoxicated. They don't like their friend anymore because he doesn't like what they like and feels he is a downer. With me, I can only rarely find someone who likes what I like. And even then it may just be one thing (music, movie, game, book). Not much to base a relationship on.
I have only one friend that still hangs out with me. But I doubt it's because he enjoys my company. It's because he's a good guy and I'm a sad mess. To be friends with someone, I have to pretend to be normal. This involves doing things that they like but I don't like. Examples are watching a TV show I think is stupid, force laughing at every dumb joke or trip. Other times, I go to events I don't enjoy like the Formal or parties or a concert or the beach or skiing and pretending to have lots of fun while I formulate how long I can stay before it's safe to sneak off early without anyone caring or feelings I'm a downer. I talk and socialize in a way I don't think is interesting. For instance, I ask someone about their garden. I don't care about the garden, but they do and go on and on for hours while I ask filler questions to make myself seem pleasant. I laugh at things I don't find funny. I talk about celebrities and current events I couldn't give two s**ts about. I watch movies and tv shows I think are bad and kindly ask for the next season just so we can have something to talk about - I do this with my own sister (I do not like Scrubs or New Girl). And I can't ask them to watch shows I like because god forbid I reveal my own personal opinion and they see the autism in me and run.
And here's my catch 22:
It's the choice between pretending to be normal, changing everything about my very nature, constantly doing things I don't want to do, and having a shot at a life with... just "a life" in general,
or,
Be who I am, stop compressing my autistic qualities, and be alone.
(And before you tell me "just be yourself and you'll meet the right friends" - the rule they don't tell you is that to get something, you need to already have it first;
you need money to make money,
you need confidence to get confidence,
and you need friends to make friends. I mean, who wants to hang out with the creepy loner who does nothing but pass time until work or school - not when you have options like the other 200 people in the class room or the other employers who are much easier to approach and don't make you feel nervous)
25 Oct 2013, 2:40 am
