What does a meltdown feel like for you?

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I am hoping to better understand what a meltdown feels like for someone on the spectrum. I would love it if a few of you could give me a good description of what it feels like. (I hope that's not an inappropriate question. Please accept my apologies if it is.)

I am particularly thinking of situations in which you are experiencing a sensory overload.

To me a meltdown feels like a expressed and perceived feeling of something that upsets or overwhelms me as a outlet for my repressed emotions. (e.g- if I take criticism personally then I may feel hurt about it and cause a meltdown)

Last edited by Daniel_8964 on 26 Oct 2013, 1:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Hi KevinsDad,

I would describe a meltdown as being like being thrown too many "balls to juggle". There is too much coming in. My brain feels like it is being put through a blender. Confusion. I have to reduce the input, by removing as much as I can. If I can't then it builds up, and builds up, and my only solution is to destroy the input. Destroy, remove, make the input less. Regain order. Remove the chaotic element. Destroy the chaotic. Restore order. Overload. Two sides competing. Need order. Destroy. Restore order.

For me, the triggers are: Choas, distruption to my regular routine, sensory overload, a random event, or if I am being FORCED to consider a "Gray Area". The "Gray Area" one is HORRIBLE. Well, all triggers are, but the "Gray Area" one is the one I have most recently thought about. It's like my brain has come up with 2 solutions & the 2 are apposing and ripping themselves apart from eachother & in the process my brain feels like (on a mental level) it is being ripped into two.

The strange thing is that if a random event occured that effected my community (such as a fire, bomb, or asteroid impact) I would be totally capable of dealing with that & being part of a team dedicated to ensuring public calm & order. Whilst a lot of people would be running too & fro, I'd be totally able to remain calm and focused.

Well, it's sort of like what StarCity described. I'm hypersensitive to sensory input, so when a lot's going on, it starts to get to be too much. It feels like everyone's shouting at me and I don't have enough space and suddenly my clothes feel itchy and uncomfortable and the lights feel bright and it feels like there's nowhere to go. I can't hide anywhere, I feel like I wish I would just go blind and deaf. My heart rate goes up and I get shaky. I usually cover my ears and try to find a small space, like inside of a shelf or cabinet or something, and hide in there. Then I'll squint my eyes shut and plug up my ears and pretend I'm in a different universe. If I can't find anywhere to go, though, I'll start screaming at everyone to stop, just stop, stop making so much noise. I'll go crazy and start kicking and punching people if they don't back off. It feels like my head's splitting and I want to faint and scream and disappear all at once.

Other time's I'll just shut down completely and go into robot mode. I won't speak, I won't acknowledge anyone. I will sit somewhere and do some calming, mundane task, like origami or building a predefined pattern with legos.

To try to explain it to you... imagine an embarrassing or awkward moment, where you want to disappear and don't know what you should do. It's kind of an extreme version of that.

My worst ever sensory overload was in the second grade. I got frustrated at school and crawled under my desk... and that's where it all goes blank. I remember weird flashes of walking down the hall with a friend, and then I woke up in the nurse's office. I was told that I'd flipped a desk and threw a pencil at some kid. I couldn't even remember any of it, I was that wigged out.

Your profile says you have family with aspergers, I'm assuming your son by your username KevinsDad. If he freaks out, even if you're mad at him and you guys were arguing, try to remember this post and understand what he's going through. I don't know your son, so I'll just say what I wish my dad would have done. Take a deep breath, tell him that you're just going upstairs/into another room so he can calm down, and just leave him alone. Be quiet, make the house nice and silent, and let him relax a little.

I've had many minor and a few major meltdowns in my life.
Minor: When the ordinary things of life become too much. Begin to get tunnel vision. Begin to observe myself rather than be myself. Need to walk away (if in public) or collapse in bed and pray for sleep to make it go away.
Major: When my life has undergone a major shift. Every moment a torture. Full blown anxiety. Can't eat, only want to smoke cigarettes, drink water and eat salt. Overload from exterior sense and interior sense.

I had severe meltdowns most days until I was a teenager and as an adult I get them occasionally and also shutdowns.

I would get emotionally upset over minor things. I describe it as inability to suppress or control negative emotions. Everything felt like the worst thing that ever happened to me.

The docs currently think my meltdowns are caused by bipolar so I don't know if it is the same.

I don't know if these are meltdowns as i am not officially diagnosed with an ASD and am not sure if I have one.

Basically there are two kinds...sensory and emotional.

Sensory...

If in a busy crowded supermarket (for example) I will find that the environment is far too noisy. I can hear every individual sound crashing together in stereo in my head which basically amounts to a cacophony that becomes almost painful to me. At the same time my eyesight goes blurry, people seem to be walking towards me from all directions, I can't seem to get down any aisle without bumping into someone or someone bumping into me and to add to my misery they have moved everything again and I can't find what I am looking for! I gradually get more and more upset until eventually I slam my shopping basket down (or abandon my trolley), exclaim 'Oh for gods sake' and just walk out so I can go somewhere quieter.

Emotional...

something will trigger or upset me, ie having my routine or plans for the day changed suddenly by someone else. Having the way I am used to doing something altered etc. If I am also upset over other things or there have been too many changes at once my emotional/stress response will feel so intense to me that I don't seem to be able to deal with it. It is as though my own emotions are too powerful/painful for me to handle. This one can result in my ranting to myself or screaming and, on occasion (if it is really bad) hitting myself on the head (must stop doing that...I worry oneday that I will give myself a concussion...I don't know why on earth I do it...), legs or pulling my hair. It will last for a short time then fizzle itself out. Afterwards I will be tired but fine, ie completely rational again. I will also break things once in a while although I am unlikely to hit a person during one.

It feels like I am overloaded is all..it's...too...much....

Last edited by bumble on 26 Oct 2013, 3:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Essentially, that is metaphorically speaking, exactly what is happening.

And it isn't necessarily just what one normally thinks of as sensory input, like light or sound (although they are almost always included in the mix) - it's just as likely to be triggered by psychological stressors or emotional pressure.

For instance, when one is already dealing with psychological stress from being expected to do something one cannot do, having another person standing there lecturing or yelling at you only adds to the chaos and ensures that nothing positive can possibly come of the situation.

It very much is like having your mind crushed in a vise. You can't think straight and the overwhelming instinct is to PUSH BACK - to flail, hit or kick until the source of the excruciating pressure is driven away.

The only alternative is to Shut Down, retreat into a mental 'flatline' state and hide there ignoring the raging chaos until it subsides.

Sometimes other people will not allow you to retreat and just keep pushing and berating to get a reaction, until you can't stand it any more and act out physically. Then they blame you for behaving inappropriately, when it was they who intentionally provoked a confrontation.

when you have run out of mental energy and you feel like you can't go on anymore. But you always keep going.

Basically, it's like being a proverbial bottle that's nearly full, and then every thing that upsets me is a drop falling into it. Overwhelmed by stimulation, hearing about something depressing, someone who stop asking me stupid questions.... and before long the bottle overflows. Then I start screaming, crying, freaking out and sometimes even hit myself. Every nerve is flowing with anxiety. Afterwards I'm usually very exhausted and want to do nothing except lay down. But now I'm overwhelmed by guilt, depression, and embarrassment. There is nothing anyone can do to calm me or prevent me from having a meltdown. People have tried dozens of times with little or no success. It's like I need to have one or I'll end up aging about 20 years and shorten my already short Aspergic life.

I know about provocation. As a child other children would set me off on purpose then I would be punish. I went for years like this.

People find my overloads amusing as well and seem to enjoy setting me off deliberately. I even asked some of them to stop it once as it upset me they just said no because they found it funny.

I was not amused. They were horrible.

My son says that when he's having a meltdown he feels so upset he just can't think.

I always tell him to go spend some time with his special interest. I'm hoping it will eventually become enough of a habit for him that he'll do it automatically even when he's really upset.

And these same NTs often pride themselves on their empathy.

I have a son with AS and I can't tell you how many times he was the ONLY one to show compassion for another special needs child having a bad time.

I break down. I mean, I freeze for a split second, the next I am screaming, crying, and destroying everything around me uncontrollably. I can barely stop. I am more vulnerable if people are bothering me or I am overloaded or my tics are really bad, or all three. I remember what I did, but I didn't mean to and feel really embarrassed about it.

My meltdowns usually occur due to sensory overload, as other people have said, or if I feel as if I'm being gossiped about, treated unfairly, or screwed over somehow...I also can have meltdowns when I misplace one of my comfort items. The quickest way to ensure that I totally freak out and stay dizzy, dazed, emotionally drained and disoriented for the rest of the day, even after things turn out okay? Just take my stuffed dolphin, Dory (or any of my comfort items) away from me, or move her from her spot and hide her while I'm away-that'll do it.

Usually my meltdowns start off with intense anger or rage - or rather, hurt that turns into intense anger or rage. During this part of the meltdown, I feel like punching or kicking walls, throwing things and watching them break, or punishing myself by throwing my body against walls, biting or scratching my arms, legs, stomach and face as hard as I can, or beating my head against a hard surface or hitting it with my fists....and for awhile, nearly all of these self-injurious behaviors were part of my meltdowns (I managed to redirect them by the time I was about 15 or 16....doesn't mean I don't sometimes still want to do them, tho). I managed to restrain myself from punishing others by acting out or hurting them when they hurt me, but the price I paid for that was to hurt myself, instead.

....I feel I should point out that my self-injury was never done in an exhibitionistic way, that is, in front of people....I always went to my room or the bathroom to do it. I went to physically punish myself alone; although I was sure that if they knew, they would all be happy that I was doing it.

However, (so far) it's never gotten to the point in which I act on the aggressive, violent impulses I find myself overcome with when the meltdown starts coming on...if I can somehow calm myself down or busy myself during the "violent impulse" phase, I usually just get to a point where I'm just completely exhausted - literally, with a tiredness that settles into my very bones. At this point, the metldown's almost over; and I just lie facedown on my bed, amidst all my plushies and blankets, and just cry for as long as 30 minutes to an hour. After that I fall asleep for a few hours or so. The good thing is, I usually wake up feeling refreshed. Maybe a little shaky, head-achy, and nauseous, but refreshed.

Being alone and listening to quiet music, and getting to snuggle under blankets and with plushies helps me come around, I've found. And I hope all that I've said here has been helpful to you, KevinsDad.