helping 8 year old autistic kid deal with bullies

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My 8 year-old son (who has high-functioning autism, with symptoms close to aspergers) is struggling with a bully at school and I wanted to see if anyone might have advice on how he could handle the situation.

The bully in question taunts other kids who play with my son in his fantasy games at recess (which is pretty much the only thing he wants to do). There were two boys who liked playing with my son but now they don't play with him as much because they don't like being ridiculed for playing with the weirdo.

I can certainly approach my son's teacher about the issue. She has been very supportive of our son so I am pretty sure she would want to help. However, my son tells me he doesn't want me to talk with the teachers since he is afraid that almost anything they would do would make things worse by making it seem he needs teacher protection.

What else could my son do? I was thinking that maybe we could give him treats in his lunch he could share with other kids (maybe even the "bully") to try and break the ice. I don't think a confrontational approach, encouraging my son to bop this bully in the face would help either (and seeing as how my son is uncomfortable with physicality I doubt very much he could ever pull it off).

Any other ideas?

The best solution when it comes to bullying is to not give the bully what he wan'ts: A sign of fear and hurt

I can tell you (since i experienced some bullying when i was his age) that there is a few things you can do to lessen or hopefully stop the bullying. What i found very helpful to do when i experienced being bullied, was to act as if i didn't hear/take notice about what they said, as i couldn't be any less bothered paying attention to them. Meaning don't look at them or anything, just act if your busy doing other things, and after a while doing this you get up and walk away, as if you are heading some place, without even peeking at them, the only thing that is of importance is to get to "that place". If i wanted to make a more statement to it i could sort of "take myself out of the ignorance state" (instead of leaving in silence) and say something like "oh i'm sorry i didn't see you there.. you were saying?", then look at the watch and for example say "Oh sorry, I'd like to stay here and listen, but i'm already late for something else. Gotta run." then of course i'd run away to some other place. (It would be smart to have a plan on were to run to, so that if they for example followed they would see that you actually ended up stopping at a specific place to do something).

I don't know who the bully is, nor do i know how rough or mean he is, and every bully has a different type of will power - meaning some will be willing to do about anything to mentally/physically torment someone.
I hope your son's bully is the milder less keen type, if so he might just give up bullying your son, if your son don't give him the responses and reactions he expects to get. I'm not saying my advice will help no matter what, but there is a chance it will.

I wish the best for your boy, and that the bullying will stop

Thanks for the kind words. I gather that my son is being quite stoic in dealing with this bully and doesn't respond to his taunts. Unfortunately, the bully is primarily directing his abuse at my son's friends in an effort to ridicule them for playing with him. It would seem that the bully is succeeding in his efforts to isolate my son. The two boys who used to play with him at recess have stopped doing so.

It's all well and good to tell my son to ignore the bully, but we have no control over how the other kids feel when the taunting is aimed at them (i.e. if they decide to play with my son).

I feel so terrible about this. My son only had a couple friends at school to begin with and now he is even losing them due to the bullying.

Honestly, and i don't know if this will make me sound rude, but if they cut your son out and stop playing with him just because of that bully , then they're not really what i would call friends. Friends stick together, even when someone is bothering them.. The fact that they are more worried about they're own reputation than staying put with your boy/they're friend, only strengthens the bad friends theory..
Maybe he should find someone else to play with then, find a friend that won't bail out on him, because that's what true friends does, they stick together through thick and thin.

(What follows is pure opinion)

If it were me, I'd find out who he is and call his parents, call the teacher, call the principal. I'd become a nightmare for all future bullies of my kid, drag them (metaphorically) out into the sunlight kicking and screaming and point to him and say, "That kid right there, he bullies other kids." There is really little a parent, or an 8 year old, can do to personally defend every day against bullies.

I was small for my age, and nearly a year behind most of my classmates owing to the lateness of my birthday, and I was a magnet for bullies. On one occasion, my mother visited the principal where I attended and got AFTER him, because me and my brother (twin) were being bullied. This should be an environment intolerable to any parent (as your post shows it is for you). I suggest getting a high-ranking school administration Person involved, if possible. Something that comes from so high a level is difficult to struggle against (for a bully, or for his coddling/enabling parents).

I say single out the bully. Adult attention is way more than most bullies want, though probably some actually thrive on all the negative attention. Your son is already having his days changed as a result of this, with the prospect of no visible end in sight, possibly for years. I don't wish to seem overly bleak.

The only way a bully stops is if his behavior becomes too costly for him in a currency that matters to him. If possible, find that currency and make him pay until he hollers Uncle, not to "win" or to punish anyone, but just to make it no longer an attractive option. Most bullies are just confused kids anyway, it really is lose-lose, but I believe bullying can only realistically be handled from above the kid-to-kid level. Adults will have to be involved, it seems to me, though the bullied child will usually balk at the idea. (again, I'm only saying what I might do if it were my kid, I know it must be so frustrating)

A mature teacher can see a hint of bullying, sometimes just a smirk and a tone of voice, and matter-of-factly say, you, what are you supposed to be doing? Get to work.

But most teachers are just not that skillful.

And absent that, you're son has read the situation correctly. If you try to get the teacher to do something official, that typically has more downside than upside.

This is skillful advice. The only think I might add, the place you walk to, both something you plausibly need to do there and an area with either more people or enough people, for safety, for fair witnesses, so the bully will be less likely to do something.

If you do a search with 'how to respond to bullying', 'how to react...', etc you will find many sites giving steps and explanations. There are only a few steps, and if you check out a few sites will see them all.

Of these steps I think the best approach is:

Stand up to the Bully
Do not show fear/nervousness
Make verbal responses

They do not cover it so I will add:

If attacked defend yourself

One good thing is that you can teach/train your son how to do it. Once you worked out the deetails do roleplaying practices with you as the bully. Over time and with practice you can develop a repertoire of responses, and your son will become less nervous and more confident about it.

This is something best handled by him. Do however have him keep the communication line open with you and let him tell you how he is fairing and adjust your training to it. If the Bullying escalates to a more serious situation you can notify the authorities.

He doesn't have to win the exchange he just has to stand up for himself, which is a victory in itself. Others will also see he does it and he will gain at least a little respect if not friends.

Teach him basic self defense. How to stand, how to hold his arms, how to punch back or kick if he is attacked first. I did this with a much younger sister (she was about 9-10) by being on my knees and play boxing with her. I used open hands and she used fists. After about the 4th or 5th time, she suprised me with a solid right squarely to my jaw that sent me reeling back on my heels. Despite the sore jaw, I was thrilled and she graduated. Its not real self defense, but it gave her the idea of where to begin and what it might be like. So she was at least a little prepared.

Fear dwells most in the unknowns.

be careful of the ignore the bully and they will leave you alone-the bullies tend to up the pressure when you ignore them and keep trying and keep upping the pressure like happened to me and if you stand up to a bully they do not go away all the time-they try and exact revenge because you embarrassed them - it always seems that the bully wins.

You have to understand these are eight year old children who don't have the wisdom or maturity that we oldies claim to have acquired. For an eight year old child the prospect of getting bullied because they choose talk to a "weird kid" is a fairly persuasive argument to avoid the source of their potential torture i.e. the Aspie kid.

My recollection of "ignore the bully" is that it gives the little pricks ammunition and a green light to continue their torture.

Beginning when I was in 5th and 6th grade, the nearest Boy Scout troop was actually in the other school district. And I really like the idea, don't put all your social eggs in the one basket of school.

Excuse me for trying two help I did not exactly say that my suggestion would be the right solution for everyone, I did mention that bullies are different, some more "hard-skinned" than others and do not give up as Easily, others are more, well, fluchtuating.

Maybe my case was somewhat easier to get out of as my bullies were girls, but the suggestion I came up with, it seemed to work out for me (if you do it the wrong way, of course it won't work out.. Fail to maintain your "mask", and show any signs of weakness / fear and it won't have the outcome you hoped it would be). Besides the "ignore mode" was just one example (which worked for me in the past), but before suggesting that one i did first and foremost say that the most important thing is to not give the bully what they are after: To show fear or a sign of hurt.. That millisecond you provide them with some form of reaction in which you express being uncomfortable / scared, then the battle is lost.

Yes that sounds like textbook "How to deal with bullies 101"

In the real world bullies only stop when they get bored or they get in trouble with teachers or if they get their jaws wacked.

I think being 8 years old is a poor excuse, even when I was bullied I had one or two loyal friends that would stick up for me, unless the bully is like the most popular kid in school or something then I could see it.

Bullying is always a hard issue to tackle. Without knowing the actual people involved it's hard to say what to do. Possibly call the boys who used to play with him over for a 'playdate' and then speak to the parents about the bullying that is happening to all three of them.

If it escalates to violence I would get the school involved.

But I certainly wouldn't give him treats to hand out. Giving a positive reaction to something bad. If I leave you alone I get treats is basically what it says.

I truly wish you the best of luck in this situation and I hope you will keep us updated