Husband wanting to invite people over to our house

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Joined: 17 Dec 2013
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 651
Location: Illinois

31 Dec 2013, 9:16 pm

that sucks, what about "being a good host" i.e. evacuating to the kitchen to replace somethign that doesnt need replacing or taking out the garbage? Or even restocking somethign all the way at the store? anyhow good luck and I hope you feel better once it's over. I know it can be stressfull to have so many people without a break.

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HFAgal78
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Joined: 30 Dec 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 22

31 Dec 2013, 9:17 pm

Ashariel wrote:

My in-laws always stressed me out too, and basically wanted me to be a completely different person from who I really am. I guess it's a matter of compromise between you and your husband – so that he gets to spend some time with his family, but it stays within the limits of your coping ability.

Would it be possible if he visits his family at their house instead, and considers it his own quality time with his family, but you don't have to be involved?

Also, I have an aunt who simply can't handle visitors at her house, and the rest of the family accepts it. To me that seems a healthy and reasonable solution for people like us!

My feeling is that if people (such as family and in-laws) can't accept you, and make you feel bad about yourself, then you don't owe them anything, and shouldn't be forced to spend time with them. Your husband might not see it the same way, but I hope you can come to a workable compromise... Good luck!

Oh he sees his father all the time. It's not like it's a once a month or year thing. He only lives a couple minutes drive from us.... about one kilometre away. His father was invited to my parents house for Christmas Eve as normal. Then he came with us to my husbands cousins house on the 30th for lunch. So he does spend plenty of social time with us. We take him places with us all the time. It's tiring for me. But I'd rather take a day or two to recuperate from his presence (lol) than put up with the tension between hubby and I about not spending time with his father. But I try to avoid having him at our house. And I think we've already spent enough time with him lately. My husband wants us to have people over to our house. So it's not just his father, but anyone.... friends.... family. He just wants to invite people over, and I don't. So it's a huge problem for us.

HFAgal78
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Joined: 30 Dec 2013
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Posts: 22

31 Dec 2013, 9:19 pm

timf wrote:

If he does come over and the dishes subject comes up again, you may want to invite him to show you how to do the dishes quickly.

It has been said, "Everyone wants to be Hitler". However you often find that comments about what other think you should do diminish when the advising person is asked to do the work.

He would just do them lol And then when he went home I'd do them again lol When my husband and I were dating when we just met each other I spent quite a bit of time at their house and did dishes with him and the family and I have seen how he does them. He reckons he washes them properly but I always found food on them still. I am really fussy. He's even commented to me while seeing me do my dishes at home... I was washing a fork and he said "if you keep scrubbing that you're going to wear it out" :/

HFAgal78
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Joined: 30 Dec 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 22

31 Dec 2013, 9:29 pm

Callista wrote:

Let your husband invite people over, then find yourself somewhere else to be.

As far as I can tell it's not inviting people over that is the problem, it's the particular person they've chosen to invite over. Having to deal with bigotry on New Year's is not my idea of a good time, either.

Yes, his father and one of his friends. Anyone else I would compromise and invite over. But not his father and one friend as they both annoy the heck out of me. I've told him he can go visit his friend and go out with him. He just insists on inviting him here. And we've already spent two days with his father lately for Christmas/New Years. And we see him all the time because he lives near us. I am always giving although hubby doesn't see it that way...

HFAgal78
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31 Dec 2013, 9:31 pm

buffinator wrote:

Yeah that's what I do... Just keep busy but I can still hear him and his ignorant comments. I don't drive so I can't pretend to need something from the store and go get it.

HFAgal78
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Joined: 30 Dec 2013
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Posts: 22

31 Dec 2013, 9:40 pm

goldfish21 wrote:

OR have him over because he's your husband's father and he wants to have him over. Decide in advance that you won't take anything he says personally. It's only a few hours or so out of your life that you'll have to tolerate him, and then he'll be gone. That seems like a pretty small sacrifice in order to let your husband have a holiday visit with his dad. If the old guy is truly being a jerk vs. ignorant of OCD & Autism, be assertive and put him in his place by telling him so.

I'm one of the least assertive people. Easily intimidated and very sensitive. My husband usually sticks up for me but when it comes to his dad he tends to try to keep the peace as they are close. And it's not just ignorance. He also makes inappropriate comments a lot. Once he asked hubby if he had been "muff diving" lately. And his aunt was there at the time also. My husband did get angry and tell him off but he acted like he didn't understand what the big deal was!

Ashariel
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31 Dec 2013, 9:42 pm

HFAgal78 wrote:

My husband wants us to have people over to our house. So it's not just his father, but anyone.... friends.... family. He just wants to invite people over, and I don't. So it's a huge problem for us.

I feel for you – that was a big issue in my marriage as well, and is one of the reasons we finally made the heartbreaking decision to separate after 13 years. Our preferred lifestyles were just so different – I couldn't take all the forced socialization, and he insisted on having people over, so in the end I just had to give up.

I hope you guys can find a happier solution though... I know it isn't easy!

HFAgal78
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Joined: 30 Dec 2013
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31 Dec 2013, 9:54 pm

Ashariel wrote:

HFAgal78 wrote:

My husband wants us to have people over to our house. So it's not just his father, but anyone.... friends.... family. He just wants to invite people over, and I don't. So it's a huge problem for us.

Thank you Ashariel

Dan0192837465
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Joined: 23 Jun 2013
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31 Dec 2013, 10:20 pm

How did you become married to somebody as opposite as yourself? Didn't this kind of example occur when you were dating? I know the old saying goes; opposites attracted and all that nonsense. I don't understand how two contrasted pairings, can survive for a prolonged period of time in complete peace and harmony. Whilst remaining sustainable. I don't think I would even attempt to make a relationship work with a person as diametrically opposed and different to myself like a neuro-typical woman. However regardless of all that, good luck to you though, if more often than not you're happy together. I hope you can overcome these hurdles in your partnership.

vickygleitz
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31 Dec 2013, 11:27 pm

Is this really worth divorcing over? It wouldn't be for me. Is there any way you and your husband can laugh at the innapropriate things your dad-in-law says? Make it a game? And you know, sometimes autistics are known to say the 'wrong" thing too. [understatement]

HFAgal78
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Joined: 30 Dec 2013
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31 Dec 2013, 11:36 pm

Dan0192837465 wrote:

We've been together for 12 years and married for 7 years and have two kids. We actually have a lot in common. It hasn't been complete peace and harmony but no relationship is.... Even in a relationship with another Aspie there would be issues. I know many people in relationships with Aspies that have good/great relationships. I also know NT couples that don't have good relationships. Also, no I didn't have to invite people over when we were dating as I lived here alone .... He moved in later but it wasn't until we bought the house a few years ago. Before that it belonged to my parents so it wasn't really ours.... It's because he's made a BBQ area and wants to show off basically.....now it's our house he wants to show off.

HFAgal78
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Joined: 30 Dec 2013
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Posts: 22

31 Dec 2013, 11:39 pm

vickygleitz wrote:

When did I mention divorce? Lol Couples can have arguments and problems without divorcing over them.....

HFAgal78
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Joined: 30 Dec 2013
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Posts: 22

31 Dec 2013, 11:45 pm

HFAgal78 wrote:

vickygleitz wrote:

When did I mention divorce? Lol Couples can have arguments and problems without divorcing over them.....

And yes I do make inappropriate comments but nothing like "have you been muff diving lately?". I can't tell you what that means on here so you'd have to google it. It's disgusting though for a father in law to ask his son a question like that especially in front of his wife and aunt.

buffinator
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01 Jan 2014, 12:04 am

Dan0192837465 wrote:

lol, yep welcome to dating/ marriage!

While it is more comfortable to be with someone similar dating someone differant provides its own benefits. If you are antisocial and they are social it gives the advantages of both. Eg: if you need a new job, the best way to get one is through a friend of a friend, but you may not get an opportunity with a small social circle, but with a social mate, your circle expands drastically.

You mate can also "code switch" when around you to make things more bearable and even fun!

_________________
AQ: 31
Your Aspie score: 135 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 63 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

Dan0192837465
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 23 Jun 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 30

01 Jan 2014, 7:53 pm

HFAgal78 wrote:

You take the rough with the smooth, I suppose. Well like I say, I do hope you can unite together and resolve your differences amicably. Just another point of view which could be interpreted as controversial and unwarranted if it isn't on the cards for you already. But don't stay with someone just because you've been married for however long it may be and have children with that person. There's no excuse to stick it out if your heart isn't truly in the relationship. You'll only be unhappier and resentful in the long run for not doing something about it sooner. Just a bit of hypothetical advice, as I don't exactly know the extent of the problems between yourself and your partner.

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