Forced to socialize

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I'm not one who wants or desires to be with people and socialize, but since I'm a senior in secondary school teachers' expectations are at an all-time high about being social and group work. I feel like I'm being pushed to talk to other people even though I'm uncomfortable talking to them. It's like my head is continuously being smashed against a brick wall until I reach my breaking point. I know that they are doing this to help me and prepare me for life/university, but it's hard. I've tried learning many skills and unspoken rules, but it seems like no mater how hard I try or how much I struggle it's never going to reach the same level as my peers. I basically gave up since I don't think they're necessary in the future and is a waste of effort. I've always wished to be able to communicate well, but I just don't want to learn the hard way (through trial and error), since I make too many mistakes and I don't want to hurt anyone with my comments.

What should I do? Should I allow them to help me and keep pushing me or should I just retreat back into my world and give up school to pursue my other interests?

F*** with them I think, just a little, using the wits they don't have. You'll never see them again, yeah? and should at least simultaneously learn some of their exploitative ways for yourself (which I find to be a good social camo, so to say - as long as you stay tasteful and good-willed), make stupid people angry, feel like you've 'won' something that you're gonna remember (grad pranks!)

I'm not trying to solve your problem. I've figured out lately that may be impossible by proxy, so I've taken to taking every "what the hell" that comes my way. This brain thing lets me calculate the odds better, or find a better cover, and I like to be happy

You don't necessarily have to "answer their question", you're a free man. I attempted suicide a couple times at the end of senior year because I felt railroaded, and railroaded socially; I thought I didn't have control until I realized just how tough I am m/b/s because I'm not like the rest. Can't o.d. on a lot of stuff if you can't lose your mind, if you know what I mean My solution became making life plans with the objective that you'll have done and got what you wanted, and lived, preferrably well. For your dilemma that might be to make plans that'll gain you a more manageable peer group after you get out of Highschool Penitentiary.

this is my biggest issue at the moment.

my wife has decided that I need to socialise more as it will help me AND it takes the pressure off her as my "only" social contact

but you know what? I'm happy with things my way, nit happy to be forced into social situations, and in the long run, what's the gain? that someone else can geel good about their altruism in "helping" you?

social lives are overrated.

I'm not a huge fan of socialisation myself but I can put up with it on a professional, working level. If it's just doing an assignment or something I usually end up doing >80% of it anyway while they just sit back and chat. Being forced to actually make friends is something I've never experienced, but I would probably hate it. As for whether it's really worthwhile for the future, I'd say no. There's plenty of jobs you can do where you don't need to interact with people beyond a basic, polite, surface level of commands. I think that extroverts place a lot of value upon socialisation that, in my experience, it doesn't have for introverts.

When I was at school people tried to force me to socialize all it did was make me uncomfortable.

The teachers are misguided in their attempt to force you to socialize. Instead, they should facilitate any interests you might have in a social life.

Being able to socialize with adults really IS a life skill you need to learn. Fortunately, learning how to socialize with teenagers is NOT a skill you truly need. (Even most NT's find teenagers annoying and difficult to understand) See if you can get your "official" social learning in all-adult settings if its that impossible for you.

Also keep in mind that a healthy social life for you is probably measured in "hours-per-week" not "hours-per-day".

No one has ever "forced" me to do something, because no one has ever managed to teach me or make me do something I didn't want to learn/do.
Even if some teachers I've had in the past tried to force me to socialize, they were never able to change my behaviour and make me socialize with someone I didn't want to be friend with.
I've always refused to do group works, exept twice, and they were 2 group works I did with my friend, who's the only person I can accept to do a group work with.
I don't care of what teachers want from me, I'm not going to listen to them just because they are "authorities".

I am older and pretty good at talking to people, and managing at social events if I am up to it. But at Uni, I still want to crawl under a rock every time they bring up a 'fun' group activity. I HATE them. They feel so stupid and artificial. I understand that they are trying to teach communication skills, and certainly some of the teenagers need it, but to me they are just torture. I would not take a job that required me to do that, so really wish I did not have to suffer through those damned things.

I usually brace myself and plow through, mentally 'writing off' the marks if I don't do well, prepared to quit, though I generally don't.

You have my sympathies.

It might be helpful to reframe the goal and make it your own. Instead of thinking "They want me to reach the same level as my peers" you might try "what can I get out of this that will help me get through situations I find difficut?"



Unless you intend to be a hermit and have an automatic permanent support structure, you are going to need social skills at many times and in many areas of your life.

Be selfish about this. Work on what you need, for yourself and tell the people you are working with what you are doing (find friendly people to do this with). Apologize and ask for understanding if you do hurt people's feelings. Most people are quite ready to forgive if there's an explanation.

I would say both. Work with them when you can and let them know you need to retreat when it all becomes too much. If you are overstressed, you won't get anything out of pushing, so you have to take breaks to rest and recharge.

I have been discussing this with my wife and suddenly became aware of how some weaknesses in this area have cost me a promotion and pay raise at work... it really is important, even if you have strong, marketable technical skills.

As a 56 y/o who was only diagnosed as having Asperger's when I was 46, I say that when you are pushed by others to live according to THEIR comfort levels you suffer. But being on the autism spectrum, we don't know that. It is difficult without theory of mind to realize that others are unaware of your being different from them (who has theory of mind here: aunties/aspire or nt's?). The thing is that nt's don't have a clue that others experience life, socially and sensorally, differently from themselves. And they don't care more often than not. They still want you to abide by THEIR comfort levels. (I speak from my own experiences as a person and as a parent of children also on the spectrum.)

I submitted to abuse on so many levels, in so many areas, that I am still discovering the truth of how often others, including my parents, neighbors, teachers, class mates, co-workers, spouses (2), landlords, and total strangers! Still, I experience abuse when I find myself suddenly putting a cheerful, chatty face when I meet a neighbor on the elevator: I don't feel that I have permission to not talk, to not be cheerful, ready to enter into whatever small-talk a neighbor or even a stranger wants to push upon me. They don't see it as being pushy but still, fault will be found with me if I am RUDE by not playing along with what THEY want.

I know this May sound small, something that I am selfish in not complying with but why is it that my desire for silence, privacy, respect of my space be what decides the course of the moment. Why? Because my personality is a quiet, "introverted" one. Non-interjecting. Not-intrusive or imposing.

The result of five plus decades of being the one walked upon? I am "permanently disabled with PTSD". I am exhausted by a life of struggling to measure up to the expectations of others regarding socializing. I am "traumatized" by this life of mine. I understand that if I had instead been cared for by people who were sympathetic, aware of and accepting of my being differently "wired", who strove to protect me, support me, and create an environment that was of the best possible one for ME.

So should you submit to the pressures of others to satisfy THEM? No. I recommend that you try to put things thru your own "filter" of what is for your best. Protect yourself. Respect your limits. Respect your your own comfort zones. In the long term, you will benefit from being your own best friend. And should you have children, it will help you be a better parent (and advocate) for them thru your work on your own behalf.

Raptor, if you were diagnosed they might know better than to put you in situations like this. I noted your being undiagnosed when I looked at your profile, but didn't note if it gave your age. (Your self-description of being a "senior in secondary school" was lost on this person from the States.)

If there's any way you can get your suspected autism looked into, it could do you a lot of good.

Don't worry about it. It is not worth socializing, if you don't feel comfortable doing it. Nobody should be able to force you to do somrthing you do not want to.

I was asked what it would matter if I were diagnosed because of my age of diagnosis, and it fell on deaf ears when I explained that it mattered to me and that it would give "validity" to my experiences. Sad that we need a diagnosis to give someone a reason to care what our experiences are, isn't it? Age and/or not having a diagnosis isn't lost on me but you make the presumption that it is my opinion that a person's experiences, their discomfort levels, etc. require a diagnosis to be valid, to be worthy of respect.

I said what I did simply as advice from someone who went thru school undiagnosed, and years beyond with my "differences", my simply being myself, being disrespected. Sometimes we need very much to "be true to ourselves".

If you don't want to, then don't. Stay silent. Refuse to make eye contact. Don't show up to any social engagements made on your behalf.

"Raptor, if you were diagnosed they might know better than to put you in situations like this. I noted your being undiagnosed when I looked at your profile, but didn't note if it gave your age. (Your self-description of being a "senior in secondary school" was lost on this person from the States.)

If there's any way you can get your suspected autism looked into, it could do you a lot of good."
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In the US (where I am) getting diagnosed is only an early step in the battle to be treated appropriately. Everyone still wants us to behave like an NT. The emphasis is on that. Not accommodating our individual needs and/or comfort levels. The goal is to "fix" us so the NTs aren't inconvenienced. The presumption is that we can be like them, that we just don't know how to behave "normally", without appreciating that it may NOT be a viable option and that "the world" May need to allow us to just be who we are.

If someone is visually impaired, accommodations are made by the world without that person being "taught " to function as if their eye sight were "normal". That person would be allowed aids, and not criticized for asking for information clearly displayed for those who can see.

But if you are on the spectrum, and can't do something like NTs, then you are expected to DO things "normally" anyway. Or children receive "interventions" to force them to behave like NTs, "faking" being neurotypical. Not a fair nor respectful system.

The diagnosis is viewed more as your clue to how you are broken and need to be fixed. Not a very comfortable situation when your sensory experiences and the like are all very real. Not simple "social ineptness". There are many working to educate the public about what it is to be autistic.

One young mother asked me if she should even tell her son that he had HAD autism since he had been cured. She believed that the interventions that he had received as a pre-schooler that helped him "look" closer to normal had "cured " his brain wiring differences. She wanted to spare him the stigma of having a diagnosis of autism by not telling him. I told her that he needed to know because in spite of "improvements" his brain wiring remained and one day he could be "triggered" or become stressed over how difficult some "normal" activity was and would not understand it without the knowledge of the diagnosis of autism. She would be setting him up for potential disaster if she left him in the dark about the truth of his being non-neurotypical. I believe this kind of desire to disavow autism in children is about the parent's shame and guilt related to it. Even when they see themselves as protecting thei child it is out of their own sense of it being something to be ashamed of.