explain how autism feels in your own words

Post Reply New Topic

I feel like Peahawk slowly bumbling around while everybody else is walking at a fast pace. I don't mind. I quite enjoy being a bumbling Sweet Pea.

I have my aspie moments, but for the most part, I try not to think about it. Asperger's doesn't define me.

Fish, explain in your own words how water feels.
Autism isn't an overlay on my otherwise normal self.

Different.

Sensory fragments...high and low awareness.

There is no autism feels like _____________________________________ to me.

I've spent much of my adult life training myself not to say what I think so that I will be appropriate in public. I've gotten good at seeming pretty "normal", but it can be exhausting. I still miss out on nonverbal communications like reading facial expressions and I never pick up on subtext or passive aggressive behavior. I feel like I need so much more time alone than anyone else I know. I get super stressed when I have to work for several days in a row and don't have a day to myself. My job is fairly social and high-energy and I feel like I have nothing left over for a personal life. And not really sure I want one. On the positive side I have a fantastic a very emotionally intuitive manager who helps decode other people's emotions and motives for me. I also have wonderful parents and a supportive best friend. I live alone but have 2 cats who love me to bits. I feel certain I could never live with another human, though.

I feel normal, its everyone else that seems odd.
I guess its like I am on the wrong planet...

Isnt this like asking a NT "what does neurotypicality feel like?"?

If its all that you ever known then to you it feels normal.

Why is Holland different for you? Is your family from there?

I happened to meet another person on the spectrum yesterday (more or less a stranger) and I felt relaxed and calm. I thought - he isn't sending out all that "noise", that "social vibe", that NTs are always sending out. With him I don't feel like I am being radiated with signals that I don't understand. He felt ... natural. It was calming.

And most of the time I have to hide the things that I am interested in because most NTs think I am strange for liking (and disliking) the things I do. I binge-love reading about obscure languages, or super massive volcanoes and similar natural disasters, or anything to do with ASD, or ... But I can hardly turn up at work on a Monday and answer the question "What did you do on the weekend?", and - instead of saying "I watched the sport on TV", say, "I spent the whole weekend avidly reading articles on the history of the Romance languages and trying to find out all about the fifth-eighth century sound changes". I enjoy intense "learning highs" where you are almost in love with some topic and you just cannot read enough about it - you go on reading binges on the Internet late at night. And I have never been to a night club and find the idea of one completely uninviting in so many ways: noisy, strangers, confusing - a social and emotional and sensory assault.

Also, I can be very picky about food, and very wary of invitations to cups of coffee etc as I have a lot of sound sensitivity to people eating and drinking. So for me, many social situations are fraught with sensory stress.

In some ways, "How does it feel to have ASD?" means "How does it feel to live in an NT world when you are not NT?" So the things I notice are "Their ways are not my ways" in so many different respects: sensory matters, social interaction, interests - and they are the majority of people that I meet. So I also feel like a minority - another reason to find calmness in the company of other people on the spectrum!

How can I also explain this from my perspective with autism?

I would say, above all, frustation. The frustation that comes with an almost inability verbalizing with other NTs face to face and not having prolong conversation and the frustation of not doing so.

It is like talking through a plastic bag wrapped around your head. You want to breathe but cannot.

It is like that with me whenever I attempt to communicate with others.

I have always felt like an alien or I'm programmed to a different frequency. There are so many things I comprehend and excel at doing- sometimes leaving NTs in the dust. But if it comes down to the warm-fuzzy interactions I have so much trouble. I've been compared to Spock on Star Trek. Logical, unemotional. But I'm not..I do feel for them it just takes me longer to react (I have this feeling that I have to answer immediately but the brain is processing the correct- acceptable response) and often I will go into an anxiety loop obsessing over their woes.

If I am on a one on one basis with someone I know (my "database" of their reactions) I can pass as NT unless they start getting social...family, interests etc. Then I have to pull out my mental list of responses and I struggle to think of questions to ask them to try to continue the conversation. I have a habit of trying to change the conversation to something that interests me...and most of my interests are foreign to NTs.

If I am consumed by some thought I will knock over things,lose my balance and fall or I just van't pay attention to anything.

The times I'm approaching meltdown I get dizzy and can't think straight.

I would like to have the experience one-A-N did "I happened to meet another person on the spectrum yesterday (more or less a stranger) and I felt relaxed and calm. I thought - he isn't sending out all that "noise", that "social vibe", that NTs are always sending out. With him I don't feel like I am being radiated with signals that I don't understand. He felt ... natural. It was calming. "

It's so true about all the "noise" and "social vibe".

For me, it feels like the person I really am is not reflected in what comes across on the outside.

I actually feel like a cool guy on the inside, but when I see myself from the outside (like when someone takes a video or whatever), man do I ever appear stiff and geeky... It's like, "s*&t, I feel totally normal in my own mind, but can't quite get that across..." Frustrating at times.

I don't have a problem with how I am. The only problem I have is that the way I am doesn't mesh neatly with the way most people are; that puts me in a minority position, and singles me out whether I want to be singled out or not.

I don't know if it's autism. Maybe it's my ADHD, or maybe I have SPD or something else entirely. I just feel like everything rubs my nerves raw. Mostly sounds, lights, and other people. Especially other people. Things irritate me to the point where I feel like bashing my head in. I feel like the wires in my brain are crossed up wrong somehow and it short circuits my entire nervous system. My body overheats too easily. If it's not autism, I'm scared to find out what else it might be.

Kind of... I just don't really know how being NT subjectively differs from being autistic. I know there are objective differences (because otherwise they'd be the same thing) but I don't know... I mean, it's hard to tell what parts of my experience are defining parts of the human experience and which are unique to autism.

Don't like loud noises? OK, but I don't know to what extent NTs don't like loud noises. Is my experience of loud noises more analogous to an NT having their hand crushed by a vice, or an NT scraping their knee? Feeling like my brain isn't working correctly... well, do NTs ever feel that way? Do I feel it to a more extreme extent, or in a different way?