AS and new baby

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My 19 year old daughter has Autism, PTSD, Bipolar and just had her first child 3 weeks ago. Through out the entire pregnancy she was so excited about him getting her, but as soon as he was born all she could do was cry. She had the biggest melt down ever, every time he cries she cries and then she doesn't want to hold him. She said Mom, I can't do this, it's too much for me. Then she met some random guy on the internet and posted that she was moving out and starting a new life. It was like she just turned it all off? She signed over custody to me and her father; getting her to come see him is a bit of a challenge too. If we are not in the room she does not want to hold him and when she does it is not for very long. She seems to be pretending this never happened. She is not rude, she is not mean, she says she loves him-but her love seems to be like it would be for a new car, or a passing grade on a test. No emotional bonding what so ever. She just told us she will want him back when he is 16 year old? It's like she has no grasp of reality. Any advice on how to deal with her or to help her understand the big picture? She seems like her head is in the clouds. All her friends are mad at her and she doesn't understand why, she keeps telling them she is a good mom for leaving him here because she knows she can not take care of him. She doesn't seem to understand you can't just walk out on your child and pretend everything is normal, she still wants him to call her mom, and the only thing she wants is her ultrasound pictures, it seems like she is more attached to the pregnancy that was than the child that was born.

As far as the big picture goes, then she is correct in that she is not currently capable of caring for her baby and it seems right that someone else be responsible for the child.

As for the future....?

Maybe in time she'll be able to become more involved her the baby as he grows up.

Has your daughter been seen by any health professionals? Could this be depression or something else? Is this behaviour totally out of character, or not?

Please don't try to get her to take responsibility for the baby. If she does not have the ability or desire to bond to the baby, there can't be a good outcome from her being the mom. I still long for a mom who would have cared and loved me, you don't get over being brought up by someone who does not, not ever. And you sound like you have love to give this child. Do that. For yourself, for your grandchild and for your child.

Even NTs can suffer from post partum depression after childbirth. I'm not sure if being Bi-polar enhances the risk, but it might be a good idea to have her evaluated.

Post natal depression, I've done a lot of research on it. Her feeling nothing toward the child is way more common than you might imagine, many mothers go through it. Some never admit it for shame. She can come around. This is probably all complicated by her Autism. She needs professional help.

If she never wanted the baby to begin with, it would be a different story.

I don't really know much of the situation you have, but I would like to share with you what I think could help.

Does she know what she is doing is the equivalent of abandonment? And that if she gives the child up, she will not be getting him back, as that is not how it works?

You know, she might have a bit of trouble with all the touching involved with a small child. Possibly all the noise and lack of sleep as well, now I'm thinking about it.

I can't say I know what she is thinking, but why don't you just ask her? She's obviously having problems, try striking up a conversation on how to resolve this. Let her know the goal ("I know you're having some troubles and I want to help you be the best mother you can.") and achieve that goal. Listen to what she has to say. Maybe make up a sitting schedule if that is something that would help.

A newborn is stress enough for NTs -let alone those with sensory issues. Remember it isn't normal (except in some american cultures) for a mother to take care of a newborn by herself, 24/7.

I am not officially diagnosed, but I am going through testing currently. I remember with my first child I was distressed through the first month. It just wouldn't sleep. It would wake up, eat, cry herself into exhaustion for an hour or two, then sleep maybe 30 mins to an hour. She went to a doctor, they found nothing wrong. I barely wanted to touch it, and I had the help of a husband and my mother. That didn't mean I didn't love my baby, I was just tired of it making that noise and constantly holding it. I'm now on my second one, and there are still days when my husband comes home I thrust a baby in his arms and say, "Hold this, I'm taking a shower. Ginni's playing in her room."

Once again, try talking with your daughter, not bringing any blaming or emotion into it, just things she needs to know (like if she gives up her baby, that baby will not see her as mother no matter what she does or has it say), ask what you need to know, and what everyone needs to do to help her.

Maybe I misunderstood. If she hasn't moved out talking may help.

If she has already signed over custody and moved out and moved on, though, that's very different from the postpartum depression trouble feeling much for the baby or being really sad.

People with postpartum depression don't just move on with their lives.

It's only been 3 weeks. But yeah, we can't tell anything for sure, which is why they should get help.

A similar thing happened to me when I had my daughter. She had to be looked after by someone else until she was 16.

I just wanted to play out still with my friends. I didn't understand that I had had a baby. It just didn't register with me.

Unfortunately I have no advice for you or her really.

All I can say is that she definitely does love her baby. You seem like a good person, just try and be kind to her and include her as much as possible in her sons life, so he knows that she is his mum.

This is so sad. I'm sorry for her and you and the baby too.

As difficult as this is, it is going to have a happy ending so long as this beautiful newborn is loved and cared for. Prioritize that. Every baby deserves a chance. Trust your instincts here and not what you think should happen. Let this have a happy ending.

It sounds like she just can't handle the demands of a new baby. Maybe as she gets older and matures and her child is also older and more mature she'll be able to bond with them and have a relationship with them.

What caused her PTSD? Did it involve losing or being hurt by a loved one?

I'm wondering because there's a strong link between how well a mother bonds with her child and her previous experiences with forming bonds with people. Some people are afraid to form bonds for fear they'll get hurt or end up hurting the other person, and when a person like this becomes a parent, they often struggle to bond with their child.

It may be that she's freaked out by the idea that this baby is a person who could reject her or die, or who she could end up hurting the way she's been hurt. (The baby crying could be an especially powerful trigger for these feelings.) Maybe she's not willing to admit to feeling this, or doesn't even realize she feels this way, so she just wants to avoid the whole situation.

Is she getting counseling? It sounds like she really needs it.

Of course, your first priority here should be this baby. He needs to get consistent, loving care and have people he can count on to be there for him. If his mother can't provide that, then she's right in saying he should be with someone who can.

God! reading a post like this just me too scared to want to have kids.

Everyone has good points. I'm on the side of saying post-partum, but then again, I'm scratching my head...what is a 19-year-old with not just an ASD but bipolar and PTSD doing having a child? If I had a 19-year-old daughter with an ASD, bipolar and God forbid PTSD as well, I'd tell her before you consider the thought of having a child know what you're in for. I'm with "Waterfalls" on this one, this newborn comes first.

19 is the new 13. 30 is the new 18.

I agree with LeagueGirl. It seems to me that your daughter is doing the sensible thing. She's handing her baby to someone who can take care of her, until she feels confident enough to take over.