Calling all aspies. Please help :( I am distressed

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I live with my parents because I can't afford to live anywhere else. They INVITED me to live here. Not just me but my boyfriend too because I can't take care of myself. I have a chronic illness and I live off of disability. They told me up front that I didn't have to pay anything. So I accepted.

In January of this year, my disability went up to 740. This is the HIGHEST it can ever go! Anyway, last month, my boyfriend and I had to spend 400 on our car between the two of us. And I didn't have financial aid at school in January, so I had to pay about $100 out of pocket. We live way outside of town also, so we spend between $140-$180 on gas alone. I pay a dental loan every month for the next three years at $60. James pays for the cheapest phone we can afford at $45 a month. And we don't get food stamps. Yet we have been eating pretty badly cuz we can't afford enough stuff. My parents tell me "oh eat our food" but I feel like that'd be yet another thing for them to make me pay for anyway.

So here is February. The car messed up AGAIN. So I had to pay about $200 for parts and labor. And even though my father keeps saying "you don't have to pay rent" to me, he keeps telling my mom behind my back that he wants us to pay rent. Its confusing as hell to me. And when I confronted my mom about how I can't pay this month because of the car, she mentioned how my dad yet again has been pressuring her to tell me to pay rent. If I could afford rent every month without fail, I wouldn't have moved in to my parents in the first place.

My car's transmission went out, so the car I currently use is their extra car. A mustang that was "given" to me when I was 16. It was my first car. My mom can't drive because she has seizures. Car insurance on it is at like 50 bucks, super cheap. They let me and my boyfriend use the car for work and school. Again, they OFFERED all this before I ever moved in. And they told me I didn't have to pay for the car either (there is no way I could pay a car note).

When I ask my mom "Why won't Dad just tell me himself how he feels and what he wants me to do?" she said that they're both think they can't talk to me without upsetting me. I felt like she was BLAMING me for their passive aggressiveness. I told her "Does Dad know about the asperger's thing?" she said he's known for awhile. Now its like he doesn't care. So instead of researching how to communicate with me better, he just avoids talking to me completely about any issues he has with me. Then my mom proceeded to say that my dad "thought this was temporary" and that he thought I'd leave after I got my disability up to 700. I think its messed up that she is blaming my asperegers for me being "difficult to talk to". My DAD is difficult. Ya'll just don't even know. He comes across as mean and unrelenting when he "confronts" me.


I feel like the past six months, I have been living a lie. I thought this whole time that my parents WANTED me here and I thought they understood the stress I went through with my chronic illness (which causes constant pain all day everyday) so I thought they wouldn't put the stress on me to pay rent. And yes, my boyfriend lives here. But he only makes about 300 dollars a paycheck. But my mom is disabled too (she has seizures regularly and other stuff) and my boyfriend cooks meals for us ALOT. With his own money. We run errands for her when she asks. I feel like we do contribute, and I have grown to really appreciate and enjoy living here. And I am all about routine so I feel like my world is coming apart. Like the floor is being ripped out from under me.

I am bipolar too, so I am super upset right now and stressed. I want to be gone right now at a friends house or something, but my car is broken down in the shop. All I want to do is leave. I can't confront my dad, because he will either keep lying like everything is ok, OR we will get in a horrible argument because he doesn't know how to communicate with me. He'll say things like "you have TUNNEL VISION" which really hurts my feelings. Everything he says makes me want to cry.

I am crying right now. I am looking for a new place to live and the only affordable places are in bad neighborhoods when people I have known have been mugged and raped. I am about to have to go through a horrible change in my life and I don't know how to deal with any of this.

Calling all aspies! Please help me. I need advice.

p.s. don't say anything like "you should appreciate they let you live there and use the car at all". That is hurtful. Of course I appreciate it here. But I am their CHILD who needs HELP. I'm not like their other children, who are financially stable and married. My dad also makes 78K a year. So its not like they're straining to help me. So don't say I am being unreasonable because I already feel like a useless human being ENOUGH as it is, being chronically ill and bipolar. sigh...and aspergers.

Are there any social service agencies you could work with to get another place to live?

The fact you have neurological problems of more than one kind may help with this, and the fact you're still striving to go ahead with life, go to school, etc., these things may also help.

I can't believe that there would be no services and housing available for a special needs adult in your situation. Maybe they could even find a place for you to live closer to school, which will help with the transportation issues.

Have you looked into anything along these lines? (From the sounds of things you're not in the States, so what options you have would be, no pun intended, foreign to me.)

Being dependent on people always causes problems, I bet even if Mother Theresa had somebody living with her she'd be all over it. Just human nature.

That is a lot of complicated stuff to be dealing with all at once... I would be overwhelmed too!

I guess I would try to approach the issues one by one, and write down the pros and cons of every option, and try to look at it logically rather than emotionally. (Because my emotions get me in trouble and just make situations like this a thousand times worse!)

I'd start with listing every possible housing option, including living with your parents, or moving to a bad neighborhood, or whatever else you can think of... List the pros and cons of each, and pick the best option available to you. Sometimes it comes down to choosing 'the lesser of two evils'!

And then I'd look at where your money is being spent, and if that could possibly be changed, to cut down on various payments.

Then comes the issue of communicating with your parents, and negotiating a situation that everyone can agree on. (I wouldn't even begin to know what that entails, and I'm not saying it's easy!)

But maybe breaking it down into smaller problems, and dealing with them one at a time, might help to make it feel less overwhelming and impossible? Good luck – I hope you guys can work through all of this, and get into a situation that feels happier and more manageable!

thanks ya'll. And yes I live in the US. I live in Mississippi. I can't live anywhere without my boyfriend. I need him. I don't want some nurse. I want him. I am not going to separate from him.

In my town, the only thing that they have for people like me is just...mental institutes. But then again, I wouldn't even know what to type into "Google" in order to find a place to live through social services. There is probably only group living. No. Just...no. And there is the projects, I can't live there. I wouldn't feel safe

Thanks Ashariel. I guess I wish I weren't physically alone right now. I can't really slow down my mind to break things down. Its really hard to focus on one thing. I also have a pile of homework sitting here due tomorrow, and I don't feel physically or mentally well enough to do it. I don't even think I will have a ride to school tomorrow. My head might explode.

I appreciate all three of ya'lls answers. I don't feel quite as lonely. And yes, I am very lonely right now.

can anyone just make me feel better please?

I wish I could make you feel better. I don't know how. But you sound like a student, and your mother at least tried a little. Is there someone, a friend, teacher, counselor, relative, just someone, any person you can confide in to feel a little less alone?

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but $78,000 is not a lot of money to support so many people on.

*virtual hug* if you like them. I'm struggling enough with just an ASD and anxiety(OCD) without a physical illness on top of that. I also live with my mum and I'm almost 30.

Edit- No advice but I can empathize.

im about to go into the same situation as you.

i have a very very hard time taking care of myself and keeping up with daily tasks. so my dad hopes one day i can live on my own and provide for myself but its not looking great at the moment.

right now, my dad and i are working on trying to get a program or an aid to help me cope with large amounts of responsibility and stress and trying to get a disability benifit for me

i definately suggest therapy and trying to find someone to come to the house to make sure you are not over whelmed

when i become overwhelmed i become extremely destructive to myself and others. so i cant even go back to school.

also, i live in Cananda so a lot of benifits im about to go on is covered by the goverment. so sorry if this is of no help to you.

You need to talk to a school counselor or your doctor immediately.

Tell them EVERYTHING, even more than you've said here. Tell them you need assistance, you need to find services, you need some agency to get involved.

Your parents are just two people and the whole thing may be overwhelming them too. You're already getting some support, right? Financial (as limited as it is). That's going outside the family.

You need to go outside the family again.

If you have diagnosed disorders, find out how you can squeeze every coin out of that possible to help your current situation. It's what the money is there for. Putting aside pride and gaining sympathy from people might help some how as well. Also, colleges and schools tend to have something to help even if its just free stuff or one month temporary housing. Under the current conditions, I'd say your parents aren't fully capable of doing all this support and maybe if you can't pay them back in money, assuming you get out of this soon, consider paying them in labor or making them meals if their starting to look hungry. Most parents are too proud to admit they skip meals for their children or due to financial hardship. I apologize for the run-on sentences. I wish you the best of luck on this very tough situation and contact anyone at all that might have a slim hope of helping you in real life.

It's a simple issue of guilt.

They want to help, but a part of them doesn't want to help (or have to help)...at least not to the extent they are helping. That part makes them feel like bad parents.

It's just how you might feel bad about taking charity from your parents even if they never said anything about it being a burden or a situation they didn't want to be in. You'd rather be self-sufficient and feel wrong about needing someone else's help. There's nothing inherently wrong, but you aren't 100% okay with it.

My sister took and took and took from my mom and dad. A year or so ago, they signed over a car they had because she needed one and that was the last straw. They really have nothing more to give. I'm not sure how they felt about it, but they simply looked at their finances and realized not once did she ever pay back what was given to her, and they have limited finances.

I've been living with them for several years and paying rent (although way cheaper than having a place of my own). They probably justify the arrangement because I'm paying rent.

I've been out of work for three months now. This month, they started paying my bills for me so I don't default on anything. They are trusting I'll find another job soon and will eventually repay what they spent on my behalf. As I paid for 1/3 of the new roof on the house, they have reason to trust I'll make good on repaying what they loaned me.

If you forget about the car for now, which will save you lots of money and gas on repairs, can you afford a cheap apartment within walking distance of school? Maybe within 3-4 miles? Generally there is cheap housing around colleges. Living in PA I had a studio apartment for $425, and there were smaller/cheaper ones available- down to three hundred and some. I'm sure rent costs are lower in Mississippi. Are there any buses your boyfriend can use to get to work? Or could you find a place close enough to school/work to bike? That would increase your commutable distance to 10-15 miles I would think. Buying a bike would be a small outlay at first, and after that it is pretty much free.

Also- in terms of buying cheap food, my suggestions are:

Beans
Rice
Lentils
Bananas
Root vegetables like potatoes and sweet potatoes
Onions and garlic for extra flavor

If you stick to those cheap staples, you can nourish yourselves on an extremely tiny budget. A pound of lentils is around a buck or two, and that can feed one person for a week easy, especially when supplemented with some cheap veggies. Forget about meat and any beverages besides water. Also extras like candy, gum, etc. Yeah, it sucks, but when you are on a strict budget you do what you can. It sounds like your living situation right now is causing you a lot of stress, so if you can get out of there and be independent, it seems like it would be worth some sacrifices.

Life is sh***y, life is hard, and most often it is our family who treats us the worst not the better. But trouble does not last always, merely because we do not allow it to continue. One way or another the way to get out of that hell will present itself and you will be smart enough to see it and take it. Do not underestimate yourself, take time to breathe and do something fun, even if it is tossing bottle caps out the window. Tell your parents that YOU need to talk to THEM that THEY gave you the wrong impression and it is NOT your fault they did so. That you will do whatever it takes to GET OUT of their house as soon as possible, if they do not want you there that much but to remember that as your parents they INVITED YOU IN.

Use their stuff as little as possible like their car or their food. Limit your interactions with them to the bare minimum. They will either come around, or it will at least be less stressful for you, because you will be dealing with them less. WHen you get out, do not look back and do not take their offers again.

I don't really have any practical advice to offer, but here's a big *HUG* Sorry I can't do more.