Could ignorance have been bliss?

Post Reply New Topic

To those of you who went undiagnosed into adulthood, ever wish you could go back to not knowing? I have tried to be in denial but it just doesn't work. I almost feel like I regressed since finding out I am autistic. Now my symptoms have a reason and a name - a reason and a name with no cure. I look back at my childhood and I think: WTF! How did I not get diagnosed? Then I look at early adulthood when I both self and Dr prescribed medicated myself and I think I was doing better on meds. I got off meds for GAD several years ago at the same time that I stopped drinking; long before I knew what autism was. Now I am 33 and I feel like all of my symptoms are worsening and the anger and anxiety of my twenties is coming back. My default mood is once again angry and I feel like I'm "walking the line" most days. I scream at the top of my lungs while riding in the car by myself but that does little.
Sometimes I wish I could hit reset.

How long ago were you diagnosed ? I read it is quite common for people who are newly diagnosed (or find out they may have AS) to temporarily hyperfocus on the symptoms. You tend both to express them more acutely and to pay more attention to them, which may makes you perceive yourself as "regressing". It certainly happened to me when I started considering I probably had AS. From what I read it usually doesn't last longer than a few weeks or months.

I was just diagnosed but it seems my situation is different since I have been doing therapy and various personal work to overcome my mental health issues (which manifest mostly as severe anxiety, and led me into depression a few years ago) for a few years. The idea that I may be on the autistic spectrum was initially mine, and further research and assessment simply confirmed it. As a result, I view the diagnosis mostly as a personal success, because I have the feeling that after years of struggling I am finally starting to accurately understand how I work and why it causes some problems. I don't know how I would have reacted if a doctor had told me I was autistic a few years ago without me even considering the idea before.

Anyway, try not to give it too much importance. A diagnosis is just a (theoretically) well-documented opinion from a specialist. It is extra information, of a technical and professional nature, and you should simply try to make good use of it. The "autistic" label means only one thing, and it is that a large corpus of scientific research, books and other documentation, as well as possibly support groups and specialized therapy, are probably relevant to you and can help you get better. Make use of them ! Medication is something you should discuss with a skilled doctor, but if you have some anxiety and anger management problems I would suggest therapy can help too (specialized for AS if it is available and affortable wherever you live, just with a skilled therapist - which can indeed be a pain to find - otherwise). As for books, I have found Nick Dubin's Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety: A Guide to Successful Stress Management quite useful. Good luck !

Almost daily

for the record, I was dx'ed in March 2009

Why is that ? Pardon me if I am blunt but I really try to understand.

As I wrote I mostly see the diagnosis as valuable information on myself. Apart from that, I see only two ways in which it can have negative effects:
- It can modify the attitude of some other people to you in a negative way. I can understand that, and I can really understand that you wish you hadn't said one (or more) person you are autistic, but still you having a diagnosis has nothing to do with it (except if the problem person is the doctor who diagnosed you, of course).
- It means that although I can do some work on myself, I have a lifelong condition and will forever be different from the NT people and will have to do some efforts when I want or need to interact with them. That caused me some distress when I first considered I probably was autistic, but I have learnt to take a more pragmatic stance about it. Since I do have a lifelong condition that makes different, it is much better to know it and focus my energy on things I can do something about than to hopelessly try to "fix" myself and get guilty and depressed because I don't succeed.

I am not saying having AS is not a problem. I would gladly get rid of many of my autistic traits if it was possible. But I prefer by far having AS and being aware of it to being a weird someone who doesn't really fit in and feels guilty over his anxiety and social interaction problems.

you're contradicting yourself. you're saying that you should have been dxd earlier in life AND that you wish you had never been dxd at all.

If I get what you're saying- what you're angry about is: that you dont get medication anymore.

Not about the diagnoses per se.

The docs gave you over the counter meds, and ( you SEEM to be implying) that you gave yourself under the counter meds as well( or are you refering to drinking?) . And that this diagnosis no longer qualifies you for the over the counter meds.

You could go back to a shrink and get diagnosed with depression, or whatever, and get meds for that.

Not bliss for me, took a few years after age 16 to begin to understand the depth.

Lol. I was just stating that I'm surprised it was not caught sooner and that I'm not sure if finding out helped or hindered; not seeing the contradiction. I was drinking due to anxiety while doctors were also prescribing me xanax. I made a choice to no longer do either. In retrospect I was more successful and had more relationships when I was medicated probably due to the fact I was medicated. The non medicated me acts more autistic. I am certainly not angry for not being on medication, but I wonder if the SSRI I refused to take back then would help now. Xanax, no never again. The withdrawal sucked. Lexapro no never again made me feel crazy. This was all due to panic attacks back then.
I suspected myself the beginning of 2013 after having 2 children both being autistic. I was doing research for my son about aspergers and stumbled upon Aspie Quiz. I decided to take it and scored like a 170/68 or something. After that I took a bunch of tests and did some reflection and had the "wtf I'm autistic" moments. Around July 2013 a psych told me on the inside I am very autistic and test like i would be very severe but due to not knowing until 32 I had learned to cope. Add the fact that both parents and my brother were all undiagnosed and you can see why our normal just seemed normal at home. Sometimes I feel like a crutch that was never there got added late in life, and before that I had no excuse for myself. I knew I was not normal, but not to this degree. I'm proud of it enough to tell anybody, but I still wonder how this will effect me going forward. How will it effect my choices, etc.

I think it's normal to go through some ups and downs and confusing feelings, when you're first diagnosed. But hopefully in the long run it will help you to approach life in a more strategic way, now that you know what you're dealing with!

Before, I basically felt like this: I can't handle school, and I don't know why. I can't handle work, and I don't know why. I can't handle socializing, and I don't know why.

And now, I finally know why! Ironically I still can't handle these things, but have learned that socializing is overrated (ha!), and if I had to get a job, I would be in a better position to figure out how to overcome my specific issues (sensory overload, executive functioning problems, etc.)

I kind of wish I was never diagnosed because I don't even think my diagnosis is accurate. I'd probably be way more independent and happy. I'd probably also have a better social life. For years I didn't really try to socialize because I thought "I am autistic I will fail at socializing properly."

Oh God no. For me ignorance is not bliss.

I remember when I was a very young child. I was ignorant, but I was happy. I knew that the adults I interacted with all considered me very smart.

In school, though, I was bullied so much. Soooo much. I had no understanding of why. I knew that I was different than everyone else, and I knew that everyone else considered me different, but I didn't know exactly why. But I really didn't pay much attention to them. I spent almost all of my time alone, and wasn't particularly interested in them.

After graduation, I tried university. It became very clear to me that I wasn't handling things anything like other people around me. I became so confused. With the rules they keep trying to force social interaction on students. I got so frustrated because of all that I didn't understand. The repeated interaction didn't make me more prepared, didn't help me handle anything, and I gave up after one semester.

I was lucky enough to find out about community college, and there I was allowed to control what I took. I didn't have to consult others, and I was able to handle things. I finished with very high grades.

Then I tried to get a job. I had no idea how. My résumé-writing skills were terrible. In the few instances when I did get interviews, I said so many things which I now know would make it impossible to get a job. I was hopeless. I thought that no one would hire me.

I used to search the internet trying to find anyone in the world like me, because I'd never met anyone remotely like me. The thing that was most obvious from my perspective was that I've always had weird sensory issues and extreme sensitivities. My near complete lack of social inclination didn't seem particularly interesting. I couldn't notice that I wasn't doing things I didn't know I was supposed to do. But I knew that the sensory issues were very unusual. I would use Google to search for sensory issues, but had never found anyone who had described any like mine. One day I did a search for a specific sensory issue, and I found WrongPlanet. For the next several months I learned everything possible about autism, and read every book. Finally the reason I couldn't convince anyone to hire me made sense. If other people were approaching interaction in a way that's fundamentally different than my way, that could explain why I was incapable of getting a job, and I could use that knowledge to get a job and gain money.

I spent most of the next year learning everything I could about how to get jobs, how to write résumés, how to interview, and I got to the point where I was able to get a job. I memorized every detail about how to handle interviews, including body language, ways to answer questions, and, most importantly, what not to say. I found a job that was focused around the subject I'm most familiar with. I had a job doing something I loved to do and I made enough money to support myself.

There are fleeting moments when I consider wanting to go back to a time when I wasn't considered responsible enough to take care of myself(and that's it. It was always my fault. I was some genius who everyone assumed just didn't want to work, and that made me sooooo depressed, in addition to the depression I'd had from a young age). The reason for that was that I could spend time focusing on the little projects I loved, and teaching myself about any subject that I enjoyed, to the point that I'd be considered to be someone extremely knowledgeable about any of them within a short amount of time. But for my overall health, no, knowing about autism is the best thing that has ever happened to me, because it is what enabled me to be able to take care of myself. That is so immeasurably important.

Even though reality is setting in a big way after the initial euphoria there is no way I would want to go back because.

1. Ignorance was not bliss. It was confusion. It was wondering what horrible thing I must have done or was done to me to cause all of this.

2. The initial euphoria may be gone but no matter what else happens I got to experience it, and in hard times the memory will be always there.

3. I will die knowing an important part who I am. That can't be taken away.

That question crossed my mind for a second but I am truly glad I finally know whats been plaguing me my entire life.

So I'm 44 and have felt extremely outside and different my entire life. I can't believe it took this long to be diagnosed. I am an art professor at a University and have been working here for just a year and a half. The reason I was diagnosed with aspergers? I guess I don't know why but I struggle to even talk about it. Typing is much easier. I have forever had "abilities" that set me dramatically apart from others. After getting here I was so busy that I stopped sculpting. There was so much paperwork, shop work etc, there always has been. Something started happening. It was like this "ability" I had let out my whole life (secretly as possible) began to misbehave when I tried to cork it up. There was nothing I could do about it. I stopped being able to have interpersonal relationships, which of course were hard enough for me to have in the first place. The professionals first saw the obvious Savant Syndrome when I went in to see them. Within 5 minutes of the first visit I guess it was obvious. I had no idea that's what all that information I had was. All my art, everything I am is a product of this Aspergers Syndrome. It didn't take long before they saw that too. I suppose I was high enough functioning that I hid it well and no one noticed. Of course now I realize why my family has moved 15 times in the 22 years I have been married. Though I have a PhD level degree I cant keep a job to save my life. My family has been ridiculously supportive believing in me all this time. I have taught at 5 different colleges all with the same outcome. I just cant do the busywork and I am perceived as lazy or uncaring or irresponsible. I realize now why the failure. I thought I would be able to eventually "push the right button" or "flip the right switch" and I would eventually get it. After all if I whizzed through college (I should have just gone to college and skipped the entire destructive secondary ed thing) why would I not buzz great out of college the same way? After much thought I am now quitting my six figure job because it is making me extremely sick and very unhappy. The school has been very kind and has allowed me out of contract and given me time to get my affairs in order. I am moving back west and buying a plot of land. I'm going to be a sculptor. What I should have been all along. Anyone done this before? I'm quite nervous. My art is......complicated and involves lots of machinery and moving parts. No math, no measuring. I just know where everything goes measurements and all. Don't know how. Its just in my head. While others were making smaller pieces of art and doing moderately sized shows I built a roller-coaster for bowling balls, 50 ft long 20 ft wide and over two stories high called the "Bowler Coaster". The obsessive part of the Savant thing I suppose. The only problem I am having is, everyone including my counselors are excited about the Savant part and for me its just been the source of every nightmare I have ever had. When I was young everyone wanted to be different. Being different to me was being different than what I was and that meant being the same so I could be accepted. I am happy though. I have a loving family and am very blessed. I am just in the dark about making this jump, and yea the university is willing to accommodate some of my "differences" but I truly have to be able to do at least some parts well enough to be of use and I'm not. Let me know if you know anything. Thanks

I wish I had less social awareness. That's the type of blissful ignorance I want.

I relate to you. I had no idea in childhood, by mid 20s was self and officially diagnosed, went on ADHD meds where things got better, went off and now things seem worse. I think it's really the absence of medication. They made me deal with everything much better and now I just have to learn all my coping mechanisms I had before meds.

I wasn't bullied that much but I'm just so aware of social norms. With the level of interaction I do now being unaware of social norms could really help me out. At least minimize some anxiety.

I am glad to know and finally have a thing to connect why I have felt "alien" all of my life. I was not diagnosed until almost 50, someone who knew about suspected me and hinted at it and I ignored it for a while until I was a crime victim and I finally exploded and asked for help. I am not getting anything to really work with it but at least I am learning that I am not alone.

Yes, I can relate to this very much. I was diagnosed as a kid, and it was probably the single most devastating thing that's ever happened to my self esteem. As I grew up, a lot of thought systems and beliefs grew with me that were just plain untrue. It's very difficult to uncover those and allow them to heal as an adult.

I wish I had had an official diagnosis earlier. It would have saved me from wasting my 20's on a career field that is extremely stressful for me because of my AS (and doesn't pay anything). I could have kept going with the computer science thing and be financially independent right now. Until I got my official diagnosis, there was this layer of denial, thinking I could overcome and get better if I just worked hard enough, adapted myself to whatever situation I was in. I also had this shame because I couldn't do it, thought I was a failure. Now that I have a diagnosis, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I am also less stressed out. I'm done with trying to be normal. That is an impossible goal. I can only learn to live with my limitations. But learning to live with my limitations only became possible after I admitted that I had them.

When I was a kid, I knew I was different but couldn't explain it. Everybody knew I was different and treated me different. I hated myself for being different. I did ridiculous things to try to be "normal". I was depressed and nothing made the depression get any better. My AS symptoms were treated like a moral problem (laziness, just being an as*hole, or stupid). Now things are different. I just can't imagine going back to not knowing. I feel so much better compared to a couple of years ago when I didn't have an official diagnosis.

The only thing I don't like is losing that dream of being fully-functional in the future. That's not going to happen. I get realizations everyday of just how limited I am. It is hard to swallow. Nevertheless I deal with it and move on.

I have to agree with DevilKisses about being diagnosed as a child. That would have severely handicapped me. I know me and I know my parents. I would have been treated with kid gloves instead of learning how to adapt to life. I would have lowered my expectations for myself and used it as an excuse. Not getting diagnosed until I was an adult has made me feel like I should try to be as functional as possible because I am so used to trying to take care of myself. I am just more realistic about what I can and can't do.