Does having a black and white moral view mean I'm crazy?

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Story of my life coming up:

I'm not sure whether it's caused by my Asperger's, or by my upbringing (when I was a child, my family gave me the same punishment - a physical beating - for any and all 'bad behaviour', so perhaps I began to think that all 'crimes' are equally bad, since all punishments were always equal no matter what 'crime' I committed), but I generally have a very rigid moral compass. I seem unable to comprehend grey areas in almost anything. To me, (almost all) things are always either 'wrong' or they are not. I frequently take this to inappropriate extremes. For example I once saw an animal kill the newborn offspring of her sister, and immediately flew into a rage, considering the killer to be a murderer and deserving of the death penalty for her 'crime'. Even when other people tried to explain to me that animals do not think or act like humans do, I literally could not comprehend this. I believed that if it was wrong for humans to behave in such a manner, then it was for any organism to, and therefore the animal was an evil murderer.

In recent years (the last 5-6 or so), I went through some unpleasant times (specifically school bullying and racism) and was starting to crack mentally. Eventually I decided that this world is a horrible, cruel, unfair place, and if I was going to have any hope of getting through it alive I had to toughen up emotionally and drop the black and white morality. So I tried pretending to understand 'grey', hoping that if I tried hard enough I'd eventually become what I was pretending to be. But my instinctive 'black and white' feelings kept getting in the way, and so I tried to shut down my emotions entirely and think only logically, and tried to desensitise myself to everything in the world that upset me, so that nothing would hurt me again. It was an effective act from the perspective of outsiders, but I never actually changed my inner feelings. I still think in terms of black and white, and it's starting to drive me insane, because this world isn't (and I can SEE that, yet can't comprehend it) black and white, and so I can't fit my emotions into the situations I face in life, and that leaves me so confused. I thought trying to be unemotional and logical would help me feel better about the world, but I just feel constantly depressed instead, because my true feelings simply won't go away, and holding them in just makes me feel worse.

I honestly think I'm going (and have been for years now) quite mad. I still remember being beaten by my parents for wrongdoings, and that's what formed the base of almost all of my moral views. If an act would have gotten me beaten by my parents, then that act was wrong, always. I also was forced as a child to follow one of the Abrahamic religions by my grandmother, under threat of eternal hellfire if I didn't. As a child, this frightened me greatly, and I still can't seem to get over it, even though I have officially renounced all religions and am trying to live without any religious influence, I still can't shake the possibility that some deity is watching everything I do and knowing every thought I think, and will punish me if I don't always make the 'white' choice in any moral action. All of this is really starting to drive me mentally unstable, and I think it's just a good thing that I'm in a country where access to guns is heavily restricted, otherwise I honestly think I'd have snapped some time ago and gone on a killing spree.

I'm probably rambling madly now (badly need sleep) so I think I'm done writing for now.

This is very intense. I'm sorry for what you've been through.

But your writing is clear, doesn't sound crazy, does sound very upset.

Would you consider talking with a counselor? It might help.

But it isn't crazy to be black and white, it's normal for someone with autism or Aspergers. And trauma can make things more intense, more black and white, too.

Heh, I wouldn't take that goal too seriously, no-one makes it through life alive anyway

But seriously, you don't sound crazy to me, you just to need to rid yourself of the conditioning that your abusive childhood has given you. Since you have renounced all religions, logically you should accept that there is no ultimate power in the universe that dictates what is moral or immoral, in other words morality is not objective, it is subjective and varies between people and cultures. Once you realise this, you can consider each act or motive case-by-case and decide by it's consequences whether it's good or bad for you, rather than arbitrarily being right or wrong because mother / teacher / God said so. Try to live by your own terms, but if your feelings are still causing you problems, maybe time to see a therapist or counselor?

I think it's a good sign that you actually recognize this as a source of unhappiness, and something that you want to change. I try to avoid black-and-white thinking myself, and I find I'm a much happier person when I see everyone (and the world in general) as being imperfect - and that imperfection is okay!

If you work at it, you can train yourself to acknowledge the 'good' traits in people who have hurt you, and the imperfections in people you admire. And to not allow yourself to condemn the outside world as a cruel, bad place, but rather a place that is a mixture of good and bad, just like all the people in it.

I go through this mental exercise every day, and it really does help me to feel more balanced and peaceful. I forgive myself for my own failings and weaknesses, and I forgive others for their faults as well. I accept that to be human is to be imperfect, and that life is a mixture of happiness and pain, and it's just a fact of life that sometimes we get hurt because of other people's weaknesses and failings.

Anyway sorry for rambling - I don't know if any of that was helpful, but I do think this is something you can work on, and make progress with, that could lead to a happier outlook!

Nope, not crazy, just someone on the spectrum.

That's how I self-diagnosed - something I saw B&W, everybody else gray. Someone said I was being paranoid, and when I later googled paranoid' to make sure I knew exactly what it was, there was this word, 'Aspergers', so I googled that and .... and .... oh s**t.

Sometimes it's not so much about whether or not something is wrong, as it is about whether or not it shows a fundamental flaw in character or judgment. I think we can agree that stealing is wrong - period - but that a starving child stealing a loaf of bread isn't, say, a danger to others the same way someone shooting a cashier and stuffing their pockets with iPhones before running off is - so what are we protecting and what are we gaining by putting him in jail instead of in a home? We can look at the fact that the damage is one missing loaf of bread and $1-2, and that the motivation was, "I'm dying." Which is unlike the second crime in two ways.

Looking at it in the light of "wrong" or "right" might be complicating things. Thinking more on other topics such as motivations, cause and effect, what life is like from someone else's perspective, etc, might help you. Your parents never allowed perspective or for a wrong to not have a catastrophic effect, but you can give that to yourself.

Perhaps talk with a therapist about what happened to you. It doesn't sound like you are crazy, just suffering from the effects of a traumatic childhood.

Black and White thinking is a well recognized Aspergers trait. So that is your neurology. What topics you are thinking in black and white terms about is a result of your upbringing, environment and personality.

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better getting some understanding responses.

Waterfalls - I've seen several counsellors, but I don't think I've ever discussed this particular issue with them. I would like to, but counsellors rarely give me many sessions, and I have other issues I've been focusing on with them. Maybe I should give it a try though, since this is a big issue for me. I think I'm not really sure how they'll respond either. Since most people can comprehend 'grey' morality, I don't know if they'll understand why I can't. But maybe it's worth a try anyway.

Jojopa - Once I was older and actually researched the religion's teachings for myself, I decided I disagreed with it all and so didn't want to follow it, but I can't seem to shake the fear that maybe, just maybe, there is a deity that's angry with me and wants to punish me for not doing everything it wants. Basically I WANT to stop believing completely, since I disagree with all of the teachings, and I hope the religion is all false, Gods aren't real etc., but I'm not SURE, and that fear of "what if I'm wrong and get punished when I die", won't seem to go away. I disagree with virtually all of the teachings of every religion that I've researched, but am basically afraid that maybe the deity in question is real and is going to punish me for not following its wishes (even though I think said wishes are deranged and idiotic - like punishing people just because they THOUGHT something 'sinful', even if they didn't ACT in a sinful manner).

Ashariel - I'm generally tolerant and accepting of both my own and other people's character flaws, but just rarely ever my own and their MORAL flaws. I acknowledge and have no difficulty accepting that not everyone is the same in terms of strengths and weaknesses, but tend to judge everyone by the same moral standard anyway (as shown in the above example when I even judged a non-human being by the same standards as I judge humans!)

coffeebean - My problem often seems to be that I judge based on the act itself, even though I do take into account the intentions also. Using the example you provided, I would agree that the starving child has committed a lesser wrong than the thief who is stealing for mere materialistic reasons, but I would still think that the child, regardless of intent, has still committed a crime, and so should face some sort of punishment, just because the rules are absolute (in my mind). I generally have an issue with double standards (e.g. one punishment for one person and one for another, even when they have committed the same act), so would resent the idea that a starving child (although I sympathise with their plight) should face no repercussions while another thief does. It probably does link back to my childhood, where I almost never did anything with malicious intent, but got punished anyway for my wrongdoings simply because my actions themselves were 'wrong'. E.g. when I was a child I drew on a wall in my house because I wanted to draw and had no paper. I had no deliberate intention of spoiling the wall, but my parents flew into a rage and beat me because I HAD spoiled the wall, regardless of my intent. The religion I was forced to follow also tended to emphasise actions more than intent, which probably didn't help my views.