Asking pointless questions, is that how NTs get friends?

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This may sound really strange, but in my experience of observation of general NT behaviour, I have noticed that people ask each other questions what have an obvious answer but ask it anyway. I don't do this, I only ask questions if I don't know what the answer is. I can see why people do ask questions that have an obvious answer, is because they like to show interest in people and it's a form of social bonding. But I should learn to do what they do more and perhaps I could land myself more friends. Some examples of pointless questions people ask each other are:-

A and B haven't seen each other for 3 days. A has noticeably shorter hair. B asks, ''have you had a haircut?''

A is calling B's name. C asks, ''are you looking for B?''

A sees their work colleague B on the bus. They both know each other's weekly rota off by heart. A asks B, ''is it your day off today?''

A is enjoying lunch and is nearly finished. B asks, ''is that nice?''


Again I do know why people would ask these sorts of questions, but for some reason I feel silly if I ask these. But if it's what most people do, then that's what most people would want me to do, so I shouldn't feel silly asking them. Today a work colleague of mine was talking about a really thrilling rollercoaster ride she went on, and showed me a picture of it on her phone. It looked very thrilling, and she said her friends who she went with didn't want to go on it but she dared herself to. I guessed by the way she was talking about it that it was scary, but I grinned and asked, ''was it scary?'' and she answered ''yes, it sure was!'' quite comfortably and I felt rather connected. Maybe I should ask more of these questions to win more social connections with people. Does anyone agree?

I know when my friends push me to ask my crush those sorts of questions, I always think, "What? Is that what normal girls do? Why do I care what he's doing to celebrate his birthday? Do people actually ask this stuff?"

Yes if it helps you connect. It can sometimes get a bit draining though if it feels an unnatural thing to do,

As well as social bonding I think that asking questions like, "Have you had a haircut?" is also a way of asking for the person to elaborate to keep the conversation going.

Think of it as the way dogs sniff each other butts. I mean that in a good way, it's just camaraderie stuff. Don't you like it when somebody notices your new haircut?

I ask these "pointless" questions, but in reality, I have a reason for it. For example: after our plates are empty I usually ask my parents "did you enjoy your meal?", you'd think it's an obvious answer because they finished their plate, but I only ask because people will eat something even if they don't like it (something I can't do), so I ask to confirm their true feelings so I know if we should have the meal again or not.

I think people ask these types of questions for a similar reason, they want to just confirm their thoughts or suspicions without making an assumption, even if it seems obvious because sometimes they'll say something completely different than what I assumed.

I couldn't help but imagine A asking B if they just had some plastic surgery done on their arse. Sniff, sniff...

Last edited by OddFiction on 14 Mar 2014, 2:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There are probably different reasons depending on the circumstances. Sometimes it is to confirm something they suspect but are not sure about, sometimes it is purely to show interest in the person, sometimes it is to gather other information (such as that outlined by the poster above), sometimes it is out of a need to be polite and so on.

I ask those kinds of questions sometimes.

I too feel really silly and uncomfortable if I try to partake in asking those types of questions, or replying to them. However as you mention, it is a bit of a dilemma as whilst feeling silly, I also see that it does seem to help with the whole making friends, as others seem to like the exchange of this pointless info. The ones I most struggle with are things such as 'it's really nice and sunny today isn't it?' < this type of question doesn't seem to match any of the reasons bumble described, as the answer is so obvious. I know the person knows the answer is obvious, the agreement of 'yes, it is lovely and sunny', and I know they are just saying it to be friendly, which I appreciate. But to give the friendly answer back, does feel unnatural and eventually draining if I've had to do it several times in a day, as AshTrees mentioned. So, I guess my dilemma is: is making friends via asking these types of questions myself, more important to me than not feeling drained.

I have a question though: Do NTs tend not to feel uncomfortable with these types of questions? I always assumed everyone felt a bit silly about it and maybe didn't really like it but just did it anyway as it's seemingly helpful in order to appear social, or to 'break the ice'.

I have noticed that too, and I usually find it annoying when people ask me those questions so that's why I tend not to ask other people those questions. But they probably aren't annoyed by it the way I am.

I don't like to ask people questions about themselves in general, it feels like I'm being nosy. I just assume a person would go ahead and mention something if they want me to know.

I do not feel uncomfortable or silly with these types of questions since I gain valuable information from the answers.

It is a mistake to think that the literal answer to the question is the only possible information to get from it. The information isn't in the literal answer, it is in how the question is answered. Word choice, intonation and body language while answering give information about the person's mood, how open they are to further conversation at that time and whether they are a person that it's a good idea to befriend or to stay away from or to politely be around but keep some distance (if they are somebody I don't already know).

The information goes both ways. The fact that I asked the question also conveys information about me. The way that I ask, the fact that I asked, my wording, all these tell the other person things about me.

A lot of information gets exchanged. But pretty much none of that information is whether it is or is not a sunny day (or whatever the nearly rhetorical question was).

I think this is what the NTs call smalltalk, and I suck at it.

Unfortunately asking if they liked it doen't work; social graces mean they will say they loved it even if they hated it to spare your feelings.

I don't do this but to me it seems like a good way to keep control over what people say. No surprises etc. No getting stuck when they reply with something you weren't expecting or being asked a question you weren't prepared for and struggle to answer.

I'm still not sure if I'll start asking those questions though.

Eccles is right. Small talk is what they call it.

Ex : How are you ?

A completely useless question ...
1. They really meant "hello"
2. How am I "what" ? I my mind, this is an invalid question. They started with "how" but ended the question to soon.
3. They don't really care about the answer. The answer to the question is usually either "good". "fine" or "Well". Which you will get nearly 90 percent of the time, so why should you care. No NT really says how they really feel anyways.

Sigh ...

Thankyou for the detailed explanation of this! It makes a lot more sense now. It frustrates me that I hadn't realised most of what you mentioned above, but I think my anxiety and uneasiness about these questions is/was largely to do with not understanding why I am saying it or why they are saying it. Now that you have explained reasons that make sense, maybe I will be more comfortable with small talking.

Can I also ask you - do you think NTs are generally consciously aware of themselves looking for things such as the word choice, intonation and body language, or do they usually pick on this without consciously realising that they are picking up on it?