jn46036 wrote:
Answering as many questions as I can... The PTSD was caused by her biological father. When she was 11 she went to visit him and he beat her up and has not been over since. She has a great step father she calls dad now who is very calm and understands her autism. The baby is almost thee months old now, she has been over three times to visit him since she moved out. Yes I took her to the doctor to get on anti depressants, no she will not see a counselor for the depression or any of this-we have tried she refuses. Yes she was on the depo when she got pregnant and she is back on it again.
Since the baby has been born she can't make up her mind about him. She tells all her fiends he is at the baby sitter (denial) and they know were he is. She has started drinking and using drugs so maybe at this point it is best she doesn't try to have him full time. The biggest problem we deal with now is trying to get her away from the boyfriend who has a very bad criminal history and is introducing her to a world of bad things. She calls in the middle of the night high or drunk demanding we give her the baby and then post on facebook that we are keeping her son from her. When she sobers up and we offer to pick her up so she can visit she doesn't come.
The last time she was here she asked us to adopt her son, we would still be grandparents and her mom but she would not have any financial worry. We agreed to do so, hired a lawyer and then the melt downs began. Any more all we hear is a lot of screaming, cussing, and blame.
Since her father and I have permanent legal custody of her son, we told her she can have him back when she get her life back on track and she can show she is ready to be a mom.
I am so sorry. This is a really serious problem and must be very heartbreaking and very scary, even terrifying.
Your main responsibility right now is to protect this baby. It sounds to me, sad to say, that there is little you can do to help your daughter unless she wants to be helped. Imo the best thing you can possibly do to help her is to you yourself get into a support program such as Alanon, which is for family members of alcoholics, and it does sound like she is drinking alcoholically, so you would qualify. This program I cannot recommend enough, as the main focus it gives to family members of alcoholics is to focus on themselves and taking care of themselves. This is often the best thing they can do to help both themselves and the alcoholic.
it was very loving and wise of her to give up her child, and I would support her in this decision and praise her for making it. She did what is obviously best for both herself and the child at this time.
I know you care deeply about your daughter and are very worried about her, and I am not sure if this advice is even right, but I would rethink accepting calls from a drunk person in the middle of the night, even if it is ones own child. However, as a mother myself, I do not know if it would be possible not to not take these calls. Still, it might be best not to. This is why you need a strong support community.
From a psychological perspective, it sounds like she is struggling to individuate, find her own identity and separate from her parents in a way most children are trying to do in adolescence, not at age 19, and having this baby came in the middle of this process which is extremely crucial to her own feeling of well being and so was extremely disruptive to it. The approach I would recommend taking is to NOT talk about the baby but about her, to focus on her when you are with her or talking to her on the phone,and even to start courting her from this perspective....to get a baby sitter and take your daughter to a fancy meal (you alone or sometimes your and her step dad or masybe sometime just her step dad) and then to some kind of bonding activity that she would find interesting such as a small shopping trip, but don't buy her anything major, and if she brings the child up tell her the child is doing well and praise her for making a wise decision and she is welcome to visit the child anytime, but do not push it.
The suffering you are going through must be terrible. I am so sorry. Again, I recommend a strong support community which helps you to focus on yourself, on taking care of yourself (and this baby), which ultimately is probably the best way to help your daughter. Do not ending up getting locked into her dynamic. I highly recommend Alanon. If you do not like one particular meeting, then try another, as each group has its own flavor. I think they also have online Alanon groups.
05 Feb 2014, 1:50 pm
