How Often Do You Think About Suicide?

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I have been depressed all my life but a lot more the last few years. I think of dying when I think I can't take anymore. I want everyone to leave me alone and stop having expectations of me. I feel I am failing as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, and employee. I don't do any of these jobs well and constantly shift focus as issues require me to. I have never adjusted to parenthood and my daughter is 12. I feel I am no longer close to my husband and have pulled away from him. He is on the spectrum and does not understand. He does not know what I want or need. I am only content when I can curl up in bed and watch tv. I watch the same shows over and over (X Files and Star Trek). Drives my husband crazy. I love my kids but do not feel I am able to do everything they need. My depression affects them which makes me feel worse and then they act out more. I have never really considered suicide but think about dying daily. I don't really want to die but want a better life. Then I get more depressed when I cannot improve our situation. I appear almost Bipolar because I get periods of trying to improve things and burn out again. Constant guilt controls these cycles. I have tried many medications but nothing works and some make me worse. I usually have the best luck with no meds, strict diet and exercise. Unfortunately I have never managed to do these things when working full time.

Well I never thought I was going to talk about this but I've been here for at least a year now and I felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it.

Surprisingly as optimistic and innocent as I am,I have thought about suicide before and I have twice planned and seriously thought about doing it but for those of you out there don't worry to not think about it anymore.

And if I did I am not physically capable of killing myself. I was barely even physically capable enough to cut myself either that or just have no idea in the world how to do it I did cut myself with a razor and did it harder but I didn't break my skin because I got frustrated it didn't really hurt but I do have one barely visible scar.

On top of that I'm afraid of heights I'm afraid of pretty much anything that can kill you and I'm afraid of death.

Before I come in story I just want to mention that my grandmother used to be a completely different person pretty much she would take care of me yes but she would be just horrible and abusive sometimes she's to say horrible things to me that most of which I cannot remember. And my uncle would be completely mean and rude sometimes to I don't remember exactly what you did either but it was traumatizing. It's my brain is put in the back of my mind and tried to pretend it doesn't exist like with most things in the past that I have experienced.

I am pointing out those kids would kill themselves because the bowling before and she would think their stupid incident she doesn't know people could do that and she would never do anything like that I need to be bothered by people picking on her. Also saying that there cowards ect.

Anyway I don't remember what happened but it happen and my grandmother is never that horrible again I mean she can get minion but not the abuse that I taken in the past. It is forgetting because like me she was going through a lot in her life and just didn't know how to handle me and her times were different.

I attempted to run away from home but Im not capable of that at all. One time in eighth grade I go to note that do to my grandmother ( I don't know if I even mention the bullying in that letter)and I wanted to run away because I didn't know what I would do to myself if I didn't. I gave it to a friend of mine in the bathroom and Told her not to say a word to a soul.

She was crying and everything I never really thought she cared about me but I guess she did. She kept my word but then I fell out of her backpack and an administrator found it anyway.

So anyway I don't know the order of this but we did have a meeting and everything one without and once with my guardians .

while in the meeting alone I begged the Principal to not to say anything to my grandmother or my other family . But of course he had to The grandmother and family were at the meeting basically denying that stuff has gone on .I don't know how this got started I think she was tearing me out about the letter or something after the principal had told her to be more sensitive attend this story I don't really remember well but I'm trying to remember it as best as I can.

Somehow I ended up calling this friend and saying that I was going to run away she refused to let me run away but didn't really do anything about it yourself besides telling me to call the police and being the person i am I did. I tried calling her back and then when I got someone to pick up I immediately start talking but then I realized I wasn't talking to my friend I was talking her mom and I'll turn the fun I had no idea what to do because they were going to kill me figuratively of course.

So the cops came and pretty much said that they couldn't really help me until I was 16. They were talking about some sort of program I guess but I don't remember what they were talking about . Always remember that I family was giving them some bogus thing about something I don't remember.

Then they left later my friends mom called back and wanted to talk to my grandmother. She was talking to her and she was again lying and her mom suggested a school that was special-needs school.

Later in school of this friend pulled me aside and asked me if I was taking medication and I totally going to have a taking this for my seizures and basically my grandmother said something along the lines of mental illness or something .

That year we had been fun stuff for some time doing stuff iComm we had a trip to Pennsylvania but ever since we haven't been the same again I guess she thinks I'm crazy.

My grandmother and uncle Gave flank for that letter for the longest time although the entire letter was the truth.

There is also an earlier time where I did it but this was pretty much 80% because of bullying and bullying alone I would've letter to my friend at the time calling her to keep my YouTube account safe in case anything happened stuff like that but luckily never saying anything that could be interpreted as bad that would require parents to be called.

Again being me I give it to the teacher announced it up put in her mailbox not knowing that she would read it I was in the principals office asking why would write something like that and I was planning to hurt myself and of course I said no they asked me why would write this then I said just in case like just in case something happened. They asked me if I cut myself but luckily didn't check my sleeves and of course I said no again .They said not to worry about that kind of stuff because eventually you would write stuff in a will. Not wanting to get found out I asked them what a will was they explain it to me and I said I'm not worried anymore. And then they let me go.


To the people reading this don't worry I will never think about that again especially since I can't even do it and I am severely afraid of death and I don't think anything so low whatever happened to me but if it did I will try to get help .

Bu I do want to ask you something Do you think is a chance of someone I know Seeing this? because if it's high I don't want to keep this on here .

Never. I can't even imagine a situation where I'd consider it.

<--- Thinks about it every day. It's like a virus, a festoon in his brain.

I've briefly tossed it around a few times as a kid, but mostly in response to some punishment. A spiteful "They'll be sorry they treated me like this!", but nothing more.

I've outgrown those little urges, and I will never seriously consider it. Mostly because I've always been of the opinion that suicide is the coward's way out of minor problems.

And I'm no coward.

My brother committed suicide, so I think often about it. It basically saved me from doing the same. Was contemplating it doing myself, but he beat me to it. As strange as it sounds: It helped me a lot. Made me realize what life is about : Living.

I strongly dislike the notion of "the cowards way out" but I see where it is coming from.

I thought about suicide last night, I couldn't sleep, I just wanted to see an end to it all.

I feel much better today though. I'm glad that I can hold on and get through the worst times these days.

Feeling suicidal is the worst feeling for me.

I am sorry for anyone who feels that way.

I'll be dead soon enough, no need to rush things.

I go for extended periods of time when I don't think about suicide at all. Then I go through extended periods where I think about it multiple times a day. It becomes very consuming and I find it hard to think of anything else at all. I'm in one of those periods right now.

My life has become very isolating and I feel that there are very few people I can be honest with. I dread leaving the house because I've become so worried about upsetting other people. I've given up trying to make friends, because over the past several years, the only "friends" I've made have turned out to be using me, or have drifted away because I was "too difficult." I understand that having Aspergers makes me hard to be around. I lack that social filter and accidentally offend people on a regular basis - I think this compounded by all those childhood lessons about honesty being the best policy. I look around me and see NT people who are selfish, greedy, and possibly sociopathic, and I wonder why these people have friends and I don't.

I have a wonderful husband, but I feel as though, because of his work hours, I don't spend as much time with him as I'd like. I spend most of my time at home, leaving the house only for necessary errands, doctors visits, and creative activities that I find therapeutic.

At this point, I can't forgive myself for all of the years I spent as a horrible drunk, self medicating before I got a diagnosis.

I thought that being honest with people about my diagnosis would help, but it has only led to ridicule and one of my so called "friends" using me (without my knowledge or consent) for an anthropologic study.

I usually live in hope that things will improve, but right now I have none.

I feel as though I'm overburdened by a few friends and family members who have severe mental health issues, and that I spend so much time looking after these people that I have no time to try and address my own issues.

It's not as though I'm at my wits end. It's more suicide seems like a logical thing to do based four years of therapy that have helped me understand myself better, but done little to improve my quality of life, and the multiple drugs I've been on that have all caused uncommon but undesirable side effects for me. Right now, I don't feel as though anyone can help.

Thank you for establishing a forum in which I can vent.

Be easier to ask how often I don't think about it.....

Well, weekly, I guess, depending on the mood, of course.

I often wonder why people like me exist in this world at all. I wish everybody would just leave me alone.

But, such exaggerated self-hatred won't help my issues after all, besides, I'm not the only one struggling.

Some people don't get food, other people never get the feeling of belonging. It's as simple as that.

Just put out three times the effort and see what happens... (half the results, but who cares?)

I am eager to "Go Home" but suicide isn't the answer.

We are each here for a reason, and everyone's purpose here in this world is unique.

I KNOW how GREAT the oneness & unity felt before I came here, but we ARE here. We are here to live. We are here to experience life.

I have to be really careful these days about missing a dose of my antidepressant medications. My anxiety goes out of control if I miss meds or sleep and I've been on the verge of checking myself into hospital to keep from self-harming. Other than that, I try to divert myself through recreational activity or exercise.

As hard as it may seem to keep going, I try to remind myself that there are others I would hurt through self-harm. I also believe that this is but one life among many that I have lived and will live and to cut it short will also cut short the lessons I am supposed to learn in this lifetime.

I have improved my life since I figured out I had ASD and went and got diagnosed.

I often felt like killing myself before that but not in the last two years.

My life is going better but it is still an effort and I worry about loved ones dying off I can not see that going well for me.


I am the youngest in my family an I am nearly 40 and still living with my parents.

I have never been able to form a relationship or a normal friendships.

So here is where I am at I am improving my life as best as I can and I am content these days.

However if I found out I had a terminal condition tomorrow part of me would be relieved.

I have never seriously thought about it, I've always seen death as a lot worse than being miserable in life because then there's no chance that things can get better.

Even though I have been feeling somewhat ok the past couple weeks....pretty much everyday, sometimes even in my dreams. Perhaps I am not feeling ok after all