I AM selfish

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Hello. Last Wednesday I had my tonsils taken out. That same day my aunt came from Jamaica to visit and help take care of things around the house because I was to be on bed rest. The next morning she is taken to the hospital for extreme head pains and it is found that she has a brain tumor. I am an entirely self centered, non-empathizing, selfish being because I want my mother to stay and take care of me instead of spending all her time at hospital.

My mother yelled at me because I told her that I was angry that she was not paying me proper attention. She said she couldn't believe how selfish I was being, but I think it's wrong of her not to expect me be upset. Is it wrong that I WANT to be selfish.

Wanting things isn't wrong or right; it's what you do that matters.

You're sick; you want your mom with you. That makes sense. When she has to be with somebody else who is sicker, you feel abandoned--even though, rationally, it makes more sense to be with your aunt, because she is sicker and you are okay by yourself.

What we want, and what we know is best for everyone involved, are often different things. When you're feeling tired and sore from surgery yourself, it's a lot easier to be selfish than it usually is. When you're sick, you just have less energy left to think logically instead of just going with your "I WANT!" feelings.

It's going to be okay. You just have to take it easy and get better. It'll be easier to think more rationally once you've healed--the selfish toddler in you will be much easier to get control of when you have recovered.

You can feel anyway you like. The thing is, so can your Mom. She is a human being just as entitled to her feelings as you are. You feel in pain and like you need a little care after having your tonsils out, and your Mom is feeling overwhelmed and scared because not only is her child needing her help at home, and she knows she is letting you down, but her sister or sister-in-law is in hospital with an extremely serious, possibly life threatening and frightening condition in the hospital. Most people would choose to spend time with the sister with the brain tumor over the child who had their tonsils out because the sister has the far bigger problem and needs far more support.

Say, here's a thought - why not apologize to your Mum and try to do something for her to make her life easier? Make her a cup of tea or something, and tell her you will be OK, you understand that auntie needs her support and you are willing to help them both by trying to be a little less of a burden. Try to show some concern for both of them, and maybe after your auntie either dies or recovers, your Mum will not be left with feelings of resentment that you were so thoughtless.

That's an interesting point--I hadn't thought about it from the mother's perspective. I guess that's part of the lack of mental flexibility on the autism spectrum. It's not that I'm not able to do it; it's that I just didn't remember that it was a possibility.

It does help to remind yourself to look at the situation from the perspective of other people in the situation. It's like the social equivalent of turning a mental image around in your head, to look at it from another angle.

Telling your mom it's okay, that you understand, is fine. I don't know if you have the energy to actively help her right now, but if you do, then help her; and if not, don't get upset with yourself that you can't. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. In fact, right now, if you are very low on mental and physical resources, perhaps the best thing you can do is just quietly rest, and get better, so that your mother doesn't have to worry about you.

meh, being selfish never killed anyone,if anything selfish people live longer.

sounds like really bad timing. i'd be upset in that situation wanting my mom whilst recovering. your mom is mostly upset about your aunt's condition, then at you i think

You're not wrong and I think people are meant to be a bit selfish. I have a difficult time in life from not feeling entitled to be selfish.

Your mother may just be upset and overwhelmed by the news about her sister. I would consider whether her actions are a pattern, or something unusual. If unusual, try to accept how you both feel. I'd imagine you're concerned for your aunt, too!

You did not say how old you are or who your mom arranged to drop in. Objectively, if your mom is the one picking you up after surgery and getting instructions on your care needs, and agreeing to what's recommended, I would think she should have arranged someone else you're comfortable with to stop in while she's gone. It isn't selfish to want or need company if you're still on bedrest.

This issue isn't about objectivity, though. And I'm never successful in these situations arguing facts. So as suggested, I think the best course of action is to say soothing things about regretting the arguement, how can you help, etc.

But don't compromise your safety. If you aren't to be up and around yet, don't cook or clean. And if there is a friend or relative you could lean on instead, I would turn there. Perhaps they could help reduce your moms worries as well.

But no. You aren't excessively selfish!

I do understand you can use the attention/help right now.

But I too think of your Mom's dilemma. Her daughter is recovering at home from a minor, although uncomfortable surgery. Her sister is in the hospital with a potentially life threatening disease. You are going to recover. Her sister may not. She is making the right choice about where to spend her time and give assistance.

Nobodies fault here, just a bad set of circumstances. So basically you have just get thru this and not make things even harder on your Mom by complaining. If you do complain, yes it is being selfish.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I have a great deal of problems thinking outside of self. Objectively it is probably best for my mom to try her best to help out at the hospital because the need is greater there. I will try my best not to be too much of a bother ad I am not completely dependent. I'm going to try to be better. I made my aunt a card:)

We are, but we're also by nature altruistic. There've been some studies on altruism with very young children. As soon as they're able to understand the world around them, babies show that they naturally tend to help others who need help--even when the other person is a complete stranger (provided they're not in the stranger-anxiety phase at the time). They also prefer to interact with helpful people or cartoon characters or even geometrical shapes. As the children get older, they will tend to show more sophisticated helping behavior, until finally they form an abstract moral framework that includes things like the value of human life and the ability to empathize even with out-group members. Even the tiniest babies will be distressed when they see another person suffering.

The conclusion is that humans are group animals and that we naturally tend to care about each others' welfare. We have the same survival instinct that anything living has, but for us, survival includes everyone else's survival, too. As a consequence, we care about others as well as ourselves.