How are you?

Post Reply New Topic

People ask how I am? Its a daily practice and I know logically that they aren't really wanting to know if my left eye ball is aching or if I haven't had my cup of coffee yet and so on and so forth. Despite knowing all this, I simply feel compelled to give a full reply. Invariably this is greeted with a sort of confused and uneasy look as they get away from me before the situation gets out of hand. The thing is, if I give the flippant NT response of 'I'm well and you?" it sounds unfriendly although that may just be my perception of things. Not quite sure how to handle these situations.

i'm well known for giving the thumbs up in response to that. the one i hate even worse is "what's up?".
"hey dude, sup?"

Smile... wave, be lose. Say, "Great!" "Lovely day... you?" But it's an invitation to smile and look...

I still have a bit of a bad habit of being too honest in my responses, although I do keep them succinct now. I'll say "eh, I'm alright," or "not so bad," or "so-so," or whatever - something along those lines - if I'm not feeling so awesome at that moment. However, the "correct," response is "Well, thanks!" or "I'm doing great! How have you been?" or "Things are going pretty good for me right now. How about you?" as people almost never ask because they really want to know the truth. Rather, they ask out of small chat obligation. No one wants to hear someone's lengthly answer, good or bad, and especially not bad. No one wants to hear a negative response or whining. Further, perception is everything, so even if you're feeling low - you're socially expected to answer with a positive that makes others feel good and sets the tone for a positive conversation/interaction. It's just one of those unwritten rules things that just is what it is no matter how illogical it seems. Even if your life situation is stressful or difficult or depressing or whatever, you're doing fine & you're happy so people will like you and want to interact with you. Period. Learn it. Practice it. Live it. Then if you're giving off good vibes, or at least that's what others perceive, you'll get good vibes in return. Of course, go ahead and be much more real in private with your close friends, but in terms of general social interactions.. keep it to what's expected and you'll be a lot better off for it.

sht...am often asked on fb how am doing by old support staff of mine and they always get it in every detail,didnt know people said it for the sake of saying it,thats just so fake.
what is the point of saying something if do not believe in it?
whenever am asking people if theyre doing ok on FB [have only got family,old support workers and buddies of mine from the NHS/SS intelectual disability service users panel on friendslist] am actualy concerned and expect any answer,people are weird- never mind us lot.

This is a particular bugbear of mine. If it's someone I know and think has any kind of right to know how I am, I'll answer as I see fit. But where it's the formality thing, it throws me off, because it's not clear it's a formality.

As I understand, the British used to have 'how do you do?', to which the correct response was 'how do you do?'. Which is a bit odd, but the formal social rule was clear. I find a lot of present day social stuff problamatic, because we are supposed to have thrown formality out the window, and be easy going, yet that's not the case in practise. There are still expected answers, right and wrong ways of responding, only such a thing isn't acknowledged, either socially or even by the individual asking us, 'how are you?'.

The rush of thought that would go through my head, that this person who I don't know is being very rude and asking something they have no right to know, but also I don't want to appear rude and ignore them - gah! But I stick with 'fine' or 'so-so'. I don't know if I'm supposed to return the question, but even if so I wouldn't.

As a child I was taught that this is ritual. It's like "pleased to meet you" --a formula, not a statement. The required response I learned as a child was "fine, thanks. How are you?"

At work I learned a new version that removes even the suggestion that it's a question.
The required response is "How are you?"

I find that hard to switch to and usually give he response I learned as a child. Every once in a while I answer it as if it was a question because of something in the voice of the person who said "how are you?" It is safer to assume it's never a question. If people are asking after your well being, they will do it in different language.

In the end, people usually don't give a flying f**k about how you are.

All they care about it being accepted by the group. And if you are a part of that group they want to make you get along. This can be done by asking "How are you?"


NT socialization is fake all the way through. The thing it, it has to be that way in order to have a strong coherent group.

But it is still impossible to find anything more fake than that.


You think people walking on Mars in the 20'th century is fake? - NT socialization is fake!

It isn't fake.

Not at all.

If you don't do the ritual, you declare yourself uncivilized and potentially dangerous. Unacceptable.

Doing the ritual is an unfake way of saying you are part of the civilization and play by its rules.

It only seems fake if you are blind to it's real nature. This is not a fault in the NTs, who all know exactly what it means.

It isn't for a "strong cohesive group" it's a minimum set of social conventions that facilitate complex social interactions--it's for everybody so they can get on with the social contact of daily life.

Thinking of it as fake just means you are using an invalid frame of reference. Words don't have absolute meanings. The meaning of language is a social construct and definitions of words and phrases is the result of consensus. If you are a stranger in a strange land, you don't correct the native people on their customs and conventions, or decide that they are fake when they do something that means something different in their culture than in yours.

Too situational to give the same response every time. Good, tired, need more coffee, I didn't sleep last night so I'm going to pretend to be a zombie like everyone else. I seem to say all sorts of things, sometimes I make up long unlikely stories just to get a laugh. Anyway, I hate that question, along with the question "what are you doing?", so I'm usually bound to give a satirical response.

I hate that question. I never ever know how to answer it. I always thought people wanted to know exactly, so I told them. And apparently they didn't want to know, so now I just answer with "Nothing, you?".
The "How are you?" question, I also learned the answer to in childhood. Now my permanent answer is "Fine", regardless of the circumstances.

"What are you doing?"?

Thats a logical question that your boss might ask if he sees you engaged in a seemingly inane task.

Dont see how thats in the same category as "how are you?". Its not a ritualistic question.

The worst is "whats up?" because atleast the ritualistic "how are you?" has a number of stock ritualistic answers: "im fine, and you?" "Im okay" "Ohhh, I'm hangin' in here." Some such thing like that.

But Ive never figured out how you're supposed to answer "what's up?", or the variant "whats goin on?".

Actually I have heard folks say "nothing goin on here but the rent" but thats only used if you are part of group of folks present and you are all twiddling your thumbs waiting for something like a bus.

I always just say, "Good."

In that sense, it is easy to answer. However people tend to use it in small talk - generally in text conversations.
It also comes up as "What you at?" which I never answer, because I don't get it.
"What's up?" is a confusing question, but thankfully I'm not faced with it much.

Some good points. But the truth is, everybody is in the end in it for themselves when in a group. They just all act as if they are not to be accepted. It is in that sense it is fake. They are not truthful because it would hurt themselves to be so. So they have to fake it.

Reply "good" as someone else has posted, and follow up with "And how about you?"

Otherwise you show your autism (not ever thinking about the other person).