Other aspies and the types of people on this forum

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Hello

I have aspergers, I'm 18 and I was diagnosed at age 6.

Throughout my life, I've been in various social skills groups and special ed programs, and when I was 16 I came across this forum.

There's one thing that's disappointed me more than anything else about life with aspergers, which is that many (not all, but many) of the other Aspies I've personally met are not interested in real-world success. My parents told me when I was younger that a lot of aspies are generally nerdy, intelligent people who are into math and computers. Very few aspies I've met have fit this profile. Many of the ones I've met have no drive to be successful after high school, and see no problem with living life playing video games all day.

And in most of the schools I've been in, the popular, more social kids are the ones who get better grades (this was especially demoralizing for me).

I am not an extroverted person by any means. But I have enough NT friends to be happy, and also some close Aspie friends. I'm not an all-A's-all-honors-class student either, but I do study hard when I can (I'm approaching a B in honors math this year). When I was younger, I didn't have much social awareness, and didn't care how weird I looked to others. When I was in late middle school and early high school, I became quiet and rarely talked to peers, because I was socially anxious about how I was perceived. At my age now, I've become more social with NT's, but I have no desire to be a totally extroverted person, and I know that I don't need to have such a desire. I'm far more confident than I was three years ago, and it has really helped me.

I sometimes browse the wrong planet forums, but I'll confess that at this point I have little desire to associate with most types of other Aspies. I do feel there are things I could learn from other Aspies about socializing, etc. But I really wish more Aspies I'd met in person valued real world success. I don't want to be arrogant, but that's how I feel.

I feel like a lot of the people on this forum are consistently negative and pessimistic about their lives. I worry that if I associate with other Aspies who are like this, I'll lose confidence and become one of them. Are there a worthwhile number of people on the forum who don't fit this profile?

I just want to point out that many people with Asperger's have had little or no support growing up. This is especially true for those of us who are over 30 years old, who not only did not receive support growing up, but were constantly punished for our behavior. The majority of people who have Asperger's suffer from clinical levels of depression and perhaps this is what you are seeing is the negative attitude. It's hard to be positive when you are beaten down most of your life. It's hard to go to school every day and be beaten down, then come home to parents who don't understand why you are the way you are and also beat you down for it.

Maybe if you hung out with people on the spectrum who have those negative attitudes that they would learn from you, rather than you picking up their negativity. Perhaps you are strong enough to stay positive, despite negativity around you.

What is it you want to learn here or from other Aspies?

^^^ Firstly brillant words thier and I would got so far to still say that happens, im 17 and ib suffered for a lack of support constant disapproval from peers and misunderstanding from even my parents who don't really 100% get me to this day.

Id also like to point out I have been in the spot of not even having any life goals at all or doing anything, all I did was sit play video games why I felt so bad like I was wrong and that everybody hated me and I had no chance in life due to my AS what people thought of me and my stress anxiety etc and I am currently trying to fight this negativity but man it is hard however im fighting it cause I wanna life and I wanna fulfill my two desires which I up until last summer put into my mind where not achievable. One is to go scuba diving (life long dream of mine) and the other is to have a partner or well a girlfriend at first but eventually have a family because im a totally soppy emotional guy who wants somebody to share his feelings with and exprenice love and these are the things thathave driven e to slowly start working on all my problems like depression anxiety etc but man im still heavily effected by them currently and being postive can be so draining which is why im seeking professional help.

However I know I have to work at things to be better etc. I understand what you mean I get on with AS people but I know some who where worse than me and some still stuck where I was even though im still in that area trying to break out because of what I want, my best AS mate for instance has no desire to hardly anything but play gamed as did I but even when we did I still felt this need for love he dose not hence why he dose nit have something to make him care to change. Idk I get on well with both AS and NT but when im conformable and happy im basically as able and happy as any NT and would sadley rather be in thier presence as well I dont get on bad with NT'S at all I just dont have any NT freinds atm due to my past issues and depression but what im trying to say is its understandable that you feel that way as my AS friend never helps mr sadley even though I try to help him find my life goals.

Moral of my story ironically is its all about the person and thier desires and what they are happy with, my freind is fine being just a stay indoors video gamer where as I do do that but I want more than that and to change I wanna get out live a life etc and have a girlfriend and to be honest that's what motivated me more lol puberty helped me slowly see that my life style will not help me to achieve what I want (girlfriend) and also she would probably be an NT girlfriend to as well I want that. Still end of the day AS people do struggle from all the stigma and problems but it's down to the person also.

I do also admit to being pessimistic about myself and my life on numerous occasions and that was due to poor self view and limiting myself sue to my AS. ^^ As I said though I am working in all this but its hard and is causing me great stress and lost of issues plus allot of mood swing, I am currently as to say almost having a war against myself.

Why would it matter whether the people you associate with are autistic or neurotypical? Just associate with the people you are comfortable with, whether they are Aspies/Autistic or NTs. I had 2 best friends when I was a teenager, one of them was autistic, and the other was very NT.

Also there is quite a few people who have Aspergers (or autism in general) and are in college, and/or have a career, while there is also many NTS who don't go to college nor have a specific career (as a professional).

Of course you should stick with a site you feel is right for you, but I have found positive examples of success here. Highly educated people, amazing artists, creative writers, and social examples of friends, couples and marriage.

I consider success as having my own place to live, keeping a part time job, having money saved, having no debt, being healthy, being happy, keeping stress low, and being completely independant.

I am all of those and guess what... I PLAY VIDEO GAMES ALLLLL DAY LONG 4 DAYS A WEEK.

Its all relative. I measure my success by my happiness.

Yes, there are those of us who want real world success and are willing to strive for it.

I graduated from business school when I was 19. That took some serious dedication.

Then I lost about a decade or so, especially the latter part of it, to ASD symptoms. Didn't make much forward real world success progress.. but I did learn a LOT about a lot of things, as I could think & calculate, but couldn't DO very well.

Then I figured out how to treat my symptoms and get back on the path to real world success. See my signature for the thread with what I learned and did.

Now I'm well on my way to real world success in health, fitness, work, finances etc and am continuing to make progress in every way and have no intentions of accepting the status quo as my permanent reality. Instead, I intend to be happier, healthier, wealthier, and have a whole ton more fun with sports, family, friends, travel, and other things in the present & future vs. during my "lost decade."

The Squid would like to point out that of his ten most associated, favorite organisms in the world (Friends) all ten of which are Neurotypical, nine of them DO live their lives on their parents dime, playing video games. This fact has nothing to do with being an aspie. And while we (Squid and I) can't claim to have much success, We drive, pay bills, work two jobs for eighty hours a week and are saving for college. We do play video games recreationally, but then, so do "NT"s. As other posters mentioned, many autistics don't get the support they need, and the world of success is built on neurotypical shoulders. It's not designed with us in mind. The Squid would be willing to bet eighty percent of aspies have a goal to become successful, but also doubt they ever will.

I doubt it's that high. There have been threads/posts on here over the last couple of years of self described "plodders," who are completely content to just plod along and exist vs. strive for any sort of success by any measure. I'm not sure % wise how many it would be, but there are definitely a bunch of aspies who have no intentions of stressing themselves with anything in order to be successful at any particular thing. If they can't handle it, I suppose it's just fine that they lead simple stress free lives so long as they're happy.

But you're right.. there are definitely a lot of aspies who would love to be successful but end up just frustrating themselves and spinning their wheels never really getting anywhere. I used to be one of them and it sucked. Now I'm more successful than I have been and am on my way to reaching ever bigger and better goals.

I don't post here often because I am extremely committed to my career out in the "real world" but your post really caught my eye. I have been described by others as an extremely mature, focused, down-to-earth person and a perfectionist. I have almost finished my Honours Psychology degree with an A+ average and am in the top 20 students at my school. I have also been diagnosed as a child and have gone through multiple services. Unlike you, though, they weren't direct social skills instruction-type things but more focused on developing me in different areas like art, music, science, etc. I went to a social skills group later on but all we really did there was to interact in a facilitated setting, learn simple scripts like answering a phone, and learn emotional regulation skills, which are really important.

Also, unlike you, I did not and still do not form relationships with non-ASD people all that easily. I am very open about my diagnosis because if I'm not, people get confused by my behaviour and that makes them feel uncomfortable around me. I have a lot of self-knowledge and self-awareness and I use this knowledge to open doors for myself whenever possible. Right now, I have a lot of friends. A couple of them are NTs but most are on the spectrum. Being a career- and goal-driven person, I can honestly say my life aspirations do set me apart from many of my friends, but many of them do aspire to goals but some don't quite know how to go about attaining them, I've noticed. However, some have goals and do go about attaining them however they can.

Some of my friends' hopeless and lack of motivation does not bother me, though. For me, friendships happen on my own time and they are supposed to be kind of an escape. I know that my drive to make it out in the "real world" is too strong to be lost after having spent a few hours with a friend who is not focused on finding a job or marketing their skills in some way. I hang around people who are not even independent enough to really think about these things. Do I often have a great time with them? Yes. Have they stopped me from being motivated toward my goals? No. For me, as long as I have just one role model in my life, who I hang out with doesn't impact my motivation levels. It all comes down to having a strong enough sense of self and identity.

While you do name some excellent points here & I don't exactly select my friends by their drive or financial success, I just wanted to point out that there's a reason it's said that peoples' incomes are typically within $10K/year of their immediate social circle. Whoever you tend to spend most of your time around is who you are & become, in essence. I'm still "poor," so am not meaning to pass judgement on others.. but I try to limit my exposure to people much worse off than me in terms of motivation & finances, and take the opportunity to spend time around better balanced people with dreams/goals/drive/ambition & higher incomes as I tend to learn more from them that can bring me up vs. the opposite. Not to say less fortunate people necessarily bring me down, but I don't want to just remain stagnant in neutral, I'd rather be around more goal oriented people who keep me focused on my own journey of self improvement.

That said, my friends who have achieved different goals than I have as well as much greater financial success than me still associate with me just fine. But that's also in part because our friendship has nothing to do with their businesses/finances and we neither bring each other up nor down in socioeconomic status. We just hang out as we always have and I certainly haven't limited their potential. So, I can see your point.. but still, being someone who wants to make further forward progress, I find it's in my best interest to be around people who are equal or better than me in the ways I want to be better.

Perhaps those of us who have had successes in life should post them. I feel awkward doing that because I feel uncomfortable doing so. It's almost like I am trying to brag or something. But anyway, I will contribute things I have done in order to allow the OP to see positives. Can others of you do the same for the OP?

* I became a professional musician by the time I was in high school.
* I maintained the high average, high game, and high series every year I bowled on the youth leagues up through high school.
* By the time I was in high school, I had memorized the statistics of every roller coaster in North America without trying.
* I was given a part in a Hollywood movie when I was 23, but I accepted a teaching position back home instead.
* I have a masters plus degree in education.
* I got a wooden roller coaster ranked number 8 in the world in the late 1980s, and thus saved it from demolition.
* I have been married 24 years and have two sons.
* I have held a teaching job in the same school system for 26 years now.
* I toured with a southern gospel quartet in my early 20s.
* I have several pieces of writing published in several books and newspapers.
* I am currently working on a book about growing up with Asperger's.
* I have appeared in several television commercials (for a computer company in the 1990s).
* I have several music recordings/albums that have been produced.
* etc.

But yet I feel I must do more. I am not satisfied to relax in life after having achieved those things. I have a drive to do more and more. I have goals I want to achieve. And right now it is working on that Asperger's book. My mind is almost always engaged in thinking of ways to achieve these other goals. I do value success.

Right, I actually get exposure to a lot of people who are just as successful or more successful than me at my work/research commitments and I feed off that a lot. However, because of how my ASD affects me, I don't really really bond emotionally with people like that. I find they like to talk about things in a different way than I do and for different purposes, which is why I've never really genuinely connected with people like that. My friendships are purely informational, either depersonalized or extremely personal, and highly focused on certain topics. I don't do emotional give-and-take, which is how I see many of these people interact. I suspect that's why there wasn't any "glue" in place for these formal relationships to develop into actual friendships. I'm actually pretty good at picking up "vibes" in situations and I can feel it when a situation gets even a little bit awkward, which may also be a factor. I can't stand feeling even slightly less-than or unable to tune into people around me, which may be another factor playing into my lack of friendships with NTs I aspire to.

I'm getting a pretentious vibe from this thread.

Last edited by Dreycrux on 26 May 2014, 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.