Motivating my boyfriend to get a job!!

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5 years to complete a 4 year degree is not uncommon. It took me 6 to get mine; mostly because there were semesters only one of my required/selected courses were offered.

Since it seems he just graduated why not sit down and talk to him about how long a time off he's looking into? A semester off is fine as I said before...but he really should be looking at grad schools now to enroll in the fall or next spring.

I can only advise you of a simple truth: Words mean nothing if actions don't back them up. If he seems content with staying at home playing video games after the summer is over then you will have to make a hard decision about your relationship.

You can't fix him, or really motivate him. You can't change him. I think you should never mention him working or his future plans again. Never move in with him. Enjoy your time with him, but keep an eye out for a better partner.

Try to get him to agree on a certain date where he will start looking and pack up the playstation. If he wants a few weeks/month fine, just get him to agree that after date X he will look for work.

He had agreed to make his resume this weekend. It's a start atleast!!

Please forgive my curiosity:

What did he get his Undergrad degree in, and what will he be studying in graduate school?

How much work experience does he have? If not much, I would emphasize his scholarly accomplishments, and how he volunteered for this and that.

Five years to get a bachelor's is actually really common now; even for full-time students. I needed almost ten years to complete mine. I really struggled with college when I was younger and was only able to meet the expectations when I returned in my early 30's. New York Times article

I am also not sure it's very fair to demean the impact of school on someone just because they didn't always go full-time. School is not an easy task, especially when it's a subject one is not very interested in, i.e., the general education block of liberal education.

I think it's good that you want to help him out, but I feel as if you are running the risk of nagging him away if you push too hard, too fast. Give him some time, and let him figure some things out. If he's on the spectrum, he's soon going to feel really lost lacking with the structure school provides, and probably feel compelled to do something different.

Last edited by perpetual_padawan on 30 May 2014, 8:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

He graduated with a degree in history. He would like to continue to study history in grad school and possibly pursue his PhD.
He did apply for grad school at the school he did his undergrad work in. Unfortunately I don't think he got in because he handed in his application late (after I kept pushing and pushing him to get it in) and has not heard from the university yet.
Right now he does have a summer job, but this is the ONLY job he's ever had. He does not have any experience in his field and only volunteers for the benefits.

He could always apply, again, at that school next semester. He could also apply to other grad schools.

I would assume that he had a decent GPA, and that he could use his professors as references.

In order to make his history degree work for him, he would, most definitely, have to pursue his doctorate.

Or he could go for something like an Master's in Social Work (MSW). That would be much more practical than a history degree, unless he just wants to be a professor.

He has to get more work experience.

I know what he needs to do and we've talked about his options. But how can I get him to go out there and get experience without physically forcing him to??

That's a difficult question--because I don't know the guy.

I would assume he is an Aspergian--though you've never explicitly stated whether he is, or not.

I would speak to him, in general, about how he should be a responsible person, and how he has to contribute to the household like a person should. I wouldn't say that he has to contribute to the household as a MAN--rather, as a person, an adult. If he has Asperger's, I would counsel him on not letting his diagnosis affect his life. Many Aspergians are successful in their careers.

I would express my displeasure at having to carry most or all of the load financially--but do it in a gentle way, not in a judgemental way. Don't question his manhood.

I would compliment him every time he take positive steps towards getting a job, and obtaining his advanced degrees. Perhaps use your "feminine wiles" LOL

You can't.

Ok i'm seeing two problems here.

1- Him: Looking at things 'coldly' he is still dependent on his parents (at his age and just out of college its ok..but not for long) and needs to have someone to babysit him (turn things in on deadlines, pay bills for him on time... do you also pick up after him/clean his apt. or cook for him? etc,etc).

2- You: He just graduated college, he has a summer job and yet you are pushing him and (I have to use the word sorry) nagging him about what you think he should do. He told you he was taking some time off after graduation yet its been less than a month or semester and you're on his back already.

This can be three things: You've taken the role of becoming his second mom and you do what you do out of a sense of 'its for his own good' ... or you have a dominating/controlling personality type.... or you love him but you don't consider him 'good enough' to match your ideals of a partner in life and you're trying to force/mold him into what you think he should be. All 3 together is also a valid possibility.

My grandmother was fond of axioms and this was one I never forgot:

'A man's strength isn't measured by how much he can carry on his back but in how he carries his burdens'.

Now that he is a graduate you will see the 'true' him. How responsible/mature he is once he has to make decisions for himself about his future. All I can say is step back and let him show you how he carries his burdens.