Spanking and Asperger Syndrome

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Your thread isn't redundant. A newbie (DaninTexas) has necroed this thread from two years ago!

The funny thing is that he necroed it to have a go at one of the posters but he completely missed that the post was ironic and saying the opposite of what he thought it said.

I had caregivers who spanked and caregivers who didn't.

I still have to talk to the therapist about some things that rolled, with all good intentions, off of my grandmother's loving tongue. Some of those words left scars that will never heal-- and they weren't all that effective, either.

I have never had to discuss damage from one of my father's infrequently-doled-out, last-ditch spankings with anyone.

He did not use it often, and never had to use anything more than a measured whack or two with the palm of an open hand (his theory being that it was too easy to get carried away with a hairbrush, paddle, or belt, but if you used your hand you would always know just how hard you'd smacked the kid).

Lest someone think my words make it OK to whack a child at every undesirable twist and annoying turn, though, let me give a few examples:

The last time I remember getting spanked, I was probably about seven. I had been corrected on the spelling of the word "hungry;" since I was hungry and tired, I responded by calling Daddy an arrogant fuckface and spitting at him in the parking lot of the local Pizza Hut. I think I had it coming, no??

The time before that, I was probably about the same age. My cousins and I went for a "walk" that resulted in us getting lost in the woods and not being home before dusk. We didn't get spanked for getting lost, or for being late-- but we sure did get it for leaving without telling anyone where we were going!! Again-- I think a swat on the bottom was a fair price to pay for hours of stress and mortal terror. After that, we always made sure we told an adult where we were going, and got it acknowledged that we had been heard.

I spank my kids for things like clearly deliberate and willful, repeated defiance-- not for piddling things like forgetting themselves and running in the house, or even jumping on the furniture, or crying when they're told "no". If, however, they, say, engage in destructive behavior in the grocery store-- and especially if I catch them looking at me to gauge the response when they do it-- the Hand of Instruction is going to travel to the Seat of Wisdom.

I also spank for acts that cause immediate threat of physical harm to themselves or another child-- playing near the road, breaking away from me in a parking lot, deliberately and maliciously dawdling while crossing the street.

There is no point in spanking a child for crying-- even if it's silly and inappropriate for their age level. Sometimes I'm having a bad day and get upset for stupid reasons, too (especially around the middle of the month). That's called being human. There's no point in spanking (or shaming-- my grandmother's desperate strategy) a child for stimming-- all that's going to get you is an angry, ashamed child who stims more, and for longer periods of time, and possibly melts down over the need to stim. There is no point in spanking a child for something they just can't help-- you can offer alternatives, or tell them (if it is something that it is reasonable for others to be distressed by) that they must do it only at home, or only in the privacy of their own rooms; however, spanking a child for something they can't control or didn't have control over is just asking for frustration and resentment, and a child who won't reason with you when they do reach the point of being capable of reason.

That's the last point-- I stop spanking somewhere around the age of six, give or take. At six, a typically developing child can be reasoned with, if only in very direct and simple terms. I tried ONCE to spank a child who had passed the point of reason. My oldest daughter, at the age of ~8, threw a hissy fit over not being allowed to visit a park on our way to drop a friend off at the airport. She kicked the back of my seat so hard that my hands slid on the steering wheel, causing the car to veer toward the oncoming lane. I told her if she did it again, I would pull over and spank her.

She did it again. And I pulled over, dragged her out of the car, and proceeded to attempt to spank her on the side of the road. Which turned into a hog-wrestling match between the child and me, and ended in my much stouter friend holding her while I took my hand to her bottom. It took both of us to stuff her back in the car and fight her into the seat belt; by the end of it, I was fighting the urge to do her actual bodily harm. So I never spanked her again; and I decided that a child who is old enough to carry a fluent conversation and verbally reason out cause and effect in a hypothetical situation is too old to spank.

I think because that's the point that it stops being about shock and awe, and starts being about humiliation and a pissing contest. It is NOT a good idea to fall into the trap of getting into a pissing contest with a second grader. I guarantee you that they have a stronger urine stream.