Giving up.

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I've lived with autism for over 30 years, and personally, I'm done. I know I can't be alone in this. So, if you're out there, and you've felt like this, why are you still around? What makes you stay? My only reason for still being here is because what little family I have is so poor and I don't have the money for my own final expenses. It's just not the way I want to leave things. I just can't find meaning in the cruel, and terrible world we live in. If autism hasn't cause enough hiccups in my life, how am I supposed to deal with those and cope with heartbreaking, perpetual sadness?

As long as you keep yourself trapped in expectations and impossible dreams you will not find happiness....sometimes you can only find meaning when you let go of things you cannot control.

You're not alone in this however. I was where you are now not too long ago. Not out of it yet but letting go and being a little selfish changes things enough.

I certainly have felt the way you feel many times -- and rather recently. I do find joy when I'm in the great outdoors, myself. Do you have any interests or passions at all?

I have found that letting go of society's expectations of me has gone a long way towards pulling me out of the darkness. Instead of trying to make myself fit into a narrowly-defined space, I simply changed the definition. I'm not stuck on this planet with the rest of humanity; humanity is stuck on this planet with me.

My expectations are at an all-time low, but I would definitely say my dreams are impossible. And there's plenty of things I enjoy doing, but it doesn't negate how miserable of a place the world is. I've already attempted suicide once and the thing I felt most guilty about it is that my family was going to be stuck with the bill.

I've even created a fundraiser youcaring to help with final expenses but that's gone nowhere so far.

We live in a society where people can't even afford to die, let alone live... I just want out.

I just don't want to die. Even if my life is pathetic compared to others there are still things in this world worth to live for. Simple things like eating or going to sleep. Society is obsessed with greed and lust, I don't think I wanna be a part of such people(even though earlier here I made a topic expressing my jealousy towards them), as far as I've seen this is what a majority of people are like and there's nothing you can do to change it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ri96lDMe7E

To be honest, I don't really know. I've wanted to die for 15 years now, and I've always heard tomorrow's never promised, so I figured at some point I'd be maimed. But still hasn't happened. I was one year away from my bachelor's when I realized how everything I'd ran from and swore off permanently were all things you need to survive in this terrible world. I ended up in a hospital. I'm on medical leave now and am taking classes at a community college in vain but I'm mostly just afraid of going out in pain.

I get that the world sucks ... I agree, it does. I don't think you should commit suicide because of this though. But my real question, after visiting your website, is, why you need $25000. What kind of funeral are you planning?

I have felt that way many times. Sometimes I just exhausted with life. But I have this insane survival instinct that won't let me kick it no matter how much I want to. I am grateful for that too because I have people who love me so much and it would really hurt them beyond anything if I were to leave like that. I also love to ski and sometimes I just want to be able to ski another day or ride my bike or to see butterflies and the lake and the flowers. I know it sounds super simple but in all honesty those are the things that really keep me here. I will get to see the horse I love. I will get to feel the water when I walk into the lake to get in and out of my kayak. I will see the clouds and the little babbling brook when I ride my bike on the rail trail and I will enjoy a campfire with my husband and my brother. These are the things my spirit and my heart loves and no matter how bad it gets these are always the things that keep me here. It might sound corny but sometimes corny is all it takes. Sometimes I just say screw the world and all its complicated misery. My mind is too simple to deal with all of that. I'll just enjoy the simple beauty of life itself and let the world take care of itself.

If your really feeling down. Just take a look at what is going on in the world around you. Believe me, you have it a whole lot better then a lot of other people do. Did you know that the average person in the world live on just $2 a day. That means that if you averaged out the daily living expenses of every person living on earth, it would come to $2. You probably live on at least 5-10 times that. I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen? Death? where all gonna die someday and there is nothing you or anyone else on this earth can do to stop it.

[quote="LupaLuna"Death? where all gonna die someday and there is nothing you or anyone else on this earth can do to stop it.[/quote]

True that! But should we not also be able to choose our method of departing and timing as well?

I am just too damn stubborn to give up and die.