Giving up.

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With this much debt, I could have an unlivable wage for more than 20 years. That's assuming I'll be given the opportunity to have a career because autistics are largely viewed as a liability and there are plenty of non-autistic people to choose from. If people find it so reprehensible to help me pay for my final expenses and just give up, they have the option of youcaring.com/hopeforami instead, but it is just far more expensive to help me bring my debt to even a manageable level. It would make better sense just to have one less autistic person to worry about. I've received a couple dozen letters from people saying they'd rather donate to help me manage my debt, but where are they now that I've set up the option to do that?

In my state of Tennessee, homeless dogs raised over $20,000 on the same website. Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, but I'm a homeless autistic human being struggling with immense debt in the same state, and haven't received any help. If I were a cute puppy, maybe I'd have a chance. Empathy and compassion in this world is so rare it should be considered a super power.

No choice for me..I am incapable of killing myself..Too much of a fighter..If i start to reach that point my mind flips a switch and i become VERY aggressive and the tendency to survive at all costs kicks in.

You're a cutey. It would be a shame for the world to loose such a lovely lady.

Can you get like a deferment or something on your student loans? like a financial hardship deferment for instance? that might be worth looking into since it can put a hold on having to pay back the student loans...otherwise yeah they are a real b**h, even with that they still are. I myself have student loan debt, less than you probably and still have it on deferment because there is no way in hell for me to pay it back with my limited income I also have some unpaid medical bills that went to collections, and I have no intention of paying them I will send them each a letter saying to leave me alone because apparently if you do that they can't contact you and would have to take legal action if they still wanted to bother sucking me dry of money.

Ami; I have lived long enough to experience so much sorrow and so much joy. Really, in my opinion,life is so worth living. You can have dreams and expectations, they just do not need to be NT expectations.

I am part of a group helping to build huge changes in the Autistic world. We need you around to help build it. Really. And before you think you have nothing to bring to the table, you do. Lots. Just the fact that you understand that feeling of hopelesness is so much.

I am praying for you. Please stay alive.

There's lots in Autism which could be joyful to an autistic person, but not to a non-autistic, and vice versa.

Nothing wrong with experiencing autistic joy, provided you're not hurting anyone else.

I'm probably the worst person on earth when it comes to trying to encourage someone who is feeling as despondent as you are at the moment, Ami. All I can say is listen to the good advice and caring words of the many who have posted in this thread. I'll never be a good motivational speaker, that much I know.

What I can offer is an observation. You appear to be a very intelligent and articulate women with a lot to offer this world (and as vickigleitz pointed out, Autism advocacy). I have a feeling there is still a part of you that wants to stay alive. Cling to that and keep fighting!

Would it be feasible to move to a different country? It might seem like the world is savage, but that might be because america is somewhat excessive in that regard compared to most other western nations. America has levels of systemic ruling class sociopathy that put the sociopaths that currently govern Australia to shame. Someone with your education could do comparatively well here.

I don't get all the feel-good sentiment. I mean, yes autistic joy and it's just debt and all that, but we don't live in an autistic world. We have to compete for jobs that are based around social expectations. There's no way around it whatsoever. There's not much hope and joy to be found in owing that much money and being homeless no? I personally agree that society just wants us to disappear in a hole or something. We can't compete for most jobs to make a livable wage, you need a degree to be competitive for most jobs, and we don't do interpersonal communication well. I personally wonder what God's intention was in creating people on the spectrum. We innately lack outward empathy. Why create humans that lack what makes humans, human?

The problem is that as we move away from social democracy and towards fascism, the spaces that exist in which idiosyncrasies can aid instead of harm survival are diminished. Don't apologise for your existence. We are theoretically supposed to be represented in a democracy. If there is no space for us to thrive, that's the crime of the system. It is not our crime.