excuses vs. explanations?

Post Reply New Topic

"autism gives a lot of answers for things that went unanswered or left without an understanding or knowing. thats why i mention it so much. it explains about every thing that has went without being able to know why. it explains why, and not used to excuse the things. its used to explain the why. a bunch of people seem to mistake the "why" explanations for the "having an excuse for everything". but the intent isnt to excuse and to pass blame off of myself, but its to explain why i did what i did. i am still taking responsibility for what i did. and it isnt to "powder up" what i did."
(finally been able to express that.-been trying for almost a year now that ive been trying to get this into words).

im wondering what your thoughts on this is.

I think an explanation, within an autism context, is an excuse when one doesn't try to alleviate that which required an explanation.

An excuse is what you use when you actually could have done better/been better within your capabilities, but didn't, and even you know it. An explanation is when you genuinely could not have done anything differently or been different, no matter how hard you tried.

To me, the difference between the two is accountability. If someone says "it's not my fault because...", they're making an excuse or trying to exclude themselves from the blame, whereas "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen, I think it was caused by..." is an explanation.
I find an apology and an honest explanation goes a long way with people, and I very much respect it when I get the same.

I second Birdie and Sapere.

That is why I don't even bother. It really does sound like an excuse. I just say I didn't know or try and explain what the issue is without using the label.

Someone: Look at me
You: I listen better when I don't have to look at someone when they speak

I had a severe meltdown a couple of months ago and said some things to someone I shouldn't have said.

I apologized. I said that I had a meltdown but also said that I shouldn't have let the other person experience the fall-out from it. This is an explanation and not an excuse.

I couldn't exactly control the meltdown, but I was still responsible for how I treated people during it. I also was responsible to learn why I had the meltdown and what actions I should have taken ahead of time to prevent one, or at least reduce its severity. The meltdown I had took me by surprise because I experienced some new situations at the time I had it and didn't realize how I would respond. Now I know better what to expect in those situations and can be more prepared next time.

If I just said, "I said those nasty things because I had a meltdown", and said nothing about how I should have acted differently, that would have been an excuse. It turns the meltdown into a legitimate reason to treat someone badly. There is no legitimate reason to treat someone badly. If I can't control myself, I failed. It might be harder for me than for other people to control my emotions. That is why I must learn my triggers and be proactive in trying to avoid them or take precautions to avoid hurting people in the midst of a meltdown.

If I don't make the effort to work towards getting better about them, I am wallowing in self-pity.

I took responsibility and said "I lost all self-control of my emotions." *I* did. Someone else or something else was not at fault, regardless of what triggered the meltdown. The meltdown itself was not the problem as I could have done a better job about how I handled it.

I will not be perfect about avoiding meltdown triggers or handling meltdowns properly when I have them. But when I fail, I need to own up to the responsibility and hope that I have not hurt people so much as to cause them to leave permanently and that the relationship can be repaired.

Would you expect a non-white person to at least make an effort to be more white?
It is entirely practical to use disguise, make-up, change of behaviors, etc... to do just that.

I think your view of the "excuse" supports the invalidation of minorities across the board.
It's a principle of reasoning, not specific to ASD.

I just love having a reason for things, I like to know things.

its not an excuse because through no fault of my own I have been unable to cope with things and have had trouble with things that I don't think I should be having trouble with, so I want to see why that is.

I love to analyse things, I love analysing and seeing if I have autism is fascinating, I also would like some help with dealing with change.

so I agree with you completely OP, but I can see why some people think its an excuse, its only an excuse if you use it to not try things or being rude or not doing things you could do really but can't be bothered don't want to.

is it an excuse if you say that you can't do something because of a balance problem, like go to the supermarket?? I really don't know, because I do that sometimes.

I agree with the analyzing and understanding part. That is useful.

The part I quoted I think becomes a very grey area.
I've learned that a human can do just about anything, but that's not the issue at all.
The issue is if they can do it without a reasonable level of discomfort or torture.

People tend to over-generalize from their own perspectives, so I think it takes extreme examples to show what I'm talking about.

In Larson's Farside he joked about Mantis species eating their own young.
What if you found yourself in a society where this happened and you were expected to do it in order to better fit in?

Ignore the details of the analogy and look at the principle. Your gut reaction to certain things may cause you great stress, anxiety, dizziness, or nausea. It's not that you CAN'T do them though.

I knew someone (ex soldier) who had a bad scaring and disfigurement on their head and was allowed to wear a cover over it in order to avoid the probing gazes, criticisms, or discrimination that could result from showing it. Sure they could have just went without the cover, but there is a cost to consider.
Now what if they had to go without a cover for their entire lives, but then one day they are then allowed the option of using the cover? Are they using it as an excuse now?

How does someone without the disfigurement really understand what their cost was/is?
How would a society that ate their young really understand a perspective that goes against that normality?

Well they might say "just suck it up and do it" because it can't be all that bad, right?
Look at us, we're all doing it and we're fine... and so on.

^Basically this.

The only trouble, is when people don't understand or recognize that you couldn't do anything differently...they won't accept an explanation...hence to them it's just an "excuse."

I happen to like Birdie's reasoning.

If a person doesn't want to accept an explanation, then that's the person's problem. Leave that person to his/her ignorance.

Like Birdie said, it's only an excuse if the person could have done better if he/she had made more of an effort.

you make a very good point, its difficult to know when things become merely an excuse, I think perhaps laziness is the only thing I can think about when it becomes an excuse, e.g. blaming autism on not getting a job when in reality you just can't be bothered to get one.

no one knows what others feel so how can we accuse anyone of using an excuse.

Is there actually a difference between an excuse and an explanation, an excuse would warrant an explanation.

so is excuse defined by the person making the excuses own feelings, the person knows if they are just saying they cant do something because they just don't want to, rather than any real problem that makes it difficult.

In that case no one can say that you are using autism to make excuses, only the person with autism will know that.

I usually do what I do without eggscuse or eggsplanation.
There are negatives in this pattern of behavior, but also positives.
Basically, if people want to harvest my positives, then they need to put up with my negatives too.

No, why would that be an excuse? I have a balance problem too... and ran into this exact problem at work. Every so often someone would ask me to go up the ladder to reach down some item or other and I'd explain why I couldn't and they'd leave it at that and go get someone else. Well this nasty woman who was there (a supervisor) kept pestering me one day saying going up the ladder was part of my job, am I refusing to do my job, etc. I was near tears and getting very close to a "losing it" moment. I kept saying "I don't feel safe, I don't feel safe" (According to the Ministry of Labour here an employer cannot force you to do something you don't feel safe doing.) Well I made an appointment with my doctor and got a note saying for health reasons I am not required to use a ladder. And the crowning moment was when I handed it in the manager was right there and I said good and loud (paraphrasing), 'after being here 4 years and saying that I have a balance problem it blows my mind that I'm still getting asked why I don't feel safe using the ladder!' and I passed her the note! Never heard a peep out of the b*tch about ladders since then! On occasion a customer would ask for an item or product that we keep high up and I'd have to explain to them why I can't get it and I'd have to get someone else to fetch it - the one time the person I asked didn't do it soon enough for the customer and he was like 'why can't you get it yourself?' well I don't feel I'm obligated to explain my health issues to strangers so I was like 'I have a balance problem and don't feel safe' well he glared at me and I stood my ground and didn't budge an inch. I will not be goaded or embarrassed into doing something I don't feel safe doing - someone doesn't like it - customer or coworker - tough beans.

that is quite terrible, I have run into the same problem unfortunately, but in college, no one seems to take it seriously, but it can cause real problems with doing certain things.