I seriously don't know what to do.

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I can't sleep right now. I've been in bed pretty much for a week straight. I feel no one really likes me very much. No matter what group, class or club i try I get asked to leave and I try sooooooooooo hard to be not annoying, demanding or inappropriate. i don't know what I do. I hate it and now live in total isolation...seclusion, whatever it's called. Only leaving to buy necessary supplies at the local mercantile stores. I hate my apartment so much. I hate my city and have been trying to save up to check out a couple of others, hopefully likeing Oregon. I'm having a hard time though. They have been saying it's going to rain here every day for three weeks and it just hasn't. So depressing. To hot for a garden. just blech. I really need truly restful sleep which eludes me. I'm dying.

I don't know what to do. I'm 43. I have Asperger's/HFA, whatever, but I wasn't diagnosed officially until I was 37. I knew I had it when I found out what it was because I have epilepsy and that only covered half my "issues" and the Syd Barret died. I have an affinity with him because we shared a birthday and my girlfriends in my early twenties when i was making alternative, real alternative rock music that I reminded them of him. When he died they mentioned he probably had it and when I researched it for three months I realized it explained EVERY behavior I had since I was a child like someone wrote down everything I did. in my state I couldn't get a dx for anything because our state medical system said that it was only possible for children to have AS and that adults didn't have it. I began an endless barrage of letters to my governor, mayor, AG, health dept, every news media printed and televised. One day I had a phone call saying I had an appointment with the top doctor specializing in the conditions like autism and he diagnosed me with AS AND PTSD. In my state we just started to have adult AS therapy which is cool. Downside is that it comes for the very compassionate price of $150+/hour.
I could go to county services and have some "doctor" try to give me a cocktai of like fourteen meds. Um.....no?

When I first got dx of epilepsy my neuro gave me Keppra and it almost killed me and I became all hostile and belligerent and he blamed me. I left without telling him I wasn't planning on returning. My neuro now has me well managed.

The AS and the co-morbidity of the just crush depression boredom, anxiety of the entire world become so much I get afraid I'll never have a happy lif. I'm so lonely. No real friends except like three that I never get to see. Two are in Oregon and one lives in a city far from mine. The only girls that like me I have zero interest in and the ones I like I can't seem to relate to in a way that will lead to intimacy. I know a relationship may not make me happy but i should at lesast try right? God the loneliness is crushing too. WHAT THE F****** F***?

I don't know what to tell you about changing your living situation, but your social situation might be improved by posting here regularly. It has helped me feel not so alone.

Aw I don't really know what to say, except I wish I could give you a hug right now.

Loneliness sucks.

I recently stopped being able to work due to health issues (POTS) so I don't see many people now. Like you I only go out if I'm feeling physically able, to go to the store for food. I don't like my city either. No money to move to where I'd want to live (out in the country). I have no real friends either.

I feel for you. You sound like someone I could be friends with in real life.

We'll keep you company here

Thank you both.

Someone once asked me what the loneliness feels like. I told him it is like having a cancer of the mind. It is there all your life and starts to ache more each year that passes by.

It is also like living in a cage, because the Outlook of it getting any better is not so good. That is the most brutal part of AS. It is something that alot of us must endure for themost of our lives. I pray for everyone who becomes increasingly desperate, hoping that someday you will find your luck.

Well, stick around, many of these issues are debated here, like that of mens loneliness and feeling that biological and instinctual "Need" to have the companionship of a mate.> And that of women complaining men have to much of a sense of "Need" to where it becomes more of "Entitlement" issues, Because our loneliness issues are not a Need but instead a Want. Although I am sure if they had gone through life totally without ( and not by choice ), many women would be feeling it to be a need too, esp when they realize their biological clock is ticking down. and humans by nature are built to want relationships and to reproduce, its instinctual, therefore potentially a Need in order to find some kind of contentment and meaning to our lives, we are evolved from animals after all..

Lots of entertainment here, welcome to the lonely hearts club.

To be autistic is to know what it is like to stand alone.

Take comfort in the knowledge that here at least, you're not alone.

I think I follow what you're saying. I don't really feel "need" as much as want for sure. I've had relationships and flings. That's why I wouldn't mind meeting someone I could relate to but I am approaching it from now on with discretion and non-desperation. I will not settle for anything less than a woman that excites me by intelligence, my attraction to her, her humor, very importantly her taste in music and movies/tv. I just will not allow myself into a situation that is just "settling". I do know how completely shallow this sounds and that it shows that I may have have unrealistic standards, but I know I am attractive to very attractive females as I have been told so a lot through my life. I just don't know to talk to or interact with them and sometimes a girl could give me every sign in the world and it sometimes goes over my head until later when a friend says, "What's wrong with you? That girl was really into you."

I think the major issues I have with my past relationships, all except one, was usually a girl would see me performing in a band on stage or playing guitar someqhere and it was always the motivator for them to approach me. Only to realize later that we would be incompatible. The one exception was a girl that just plain wasn't interested in music at all and didn't give a f*** that I played music. It was the best, friendliest and most respectful relationship I ever knew and I wish she hadn't had to have left for college.

What I'm getting at is that there is one thing, not a requirement but a hope, that when I do meet a girl we get to know each other for a while. Maybe we start dating regularly and really like each other before she finds out that I play guitar and not have the guitar be the reason for attraction that it would be really different and cool.

Also, NO "DRUNK/HARD DRUG CHICKS"! !! !! !! That is absolutely the #1 rule. A girl that can have a drink and not be a slobbering, floppy mess is fine. Like a two drink girl. Just no sots, tweekers, crackheads or junkies.

Most women I've dated I had nothing in common with them, nothing to converse or really share.
I'm looking for a girl that will fill my soul with excitement and energy again. Without that it will not work. To be in a relationship I would need to be REALLY in love.

Of course, just a very enjoyable and nicely intimate and affectionate fling, tryst, one nighter...whatever, may make me feel good. I know how that sounds but hey, that's me.

Thank you.

Great for quote.

That can be dangerous to health.
I would do some exercise and try taking a muscle relaxer or something similar.

Hi. I'm trying but when in meltdown I separate. It's the only thing that feels safe. I'm feeling better but this desert summer is so oppresive and it confines you. I keep dreaming of ways to make money.