I had a last minute therapy session today due to an opening in her schedule made by a cancellation. Initially, I was glad to be able to have an extra therapy session this week, however, news wise, it was the worst therapy session I've had in a year.
She is changing jobs, working about 20-30 minutes from where I live. If it weren't for the fact that I have no transportation this wouldn't be a big deal and I'd just go see her at her new location. Though ETHRA is available, I cannot handle riding on a contaminated bus so close to strangers.
Today when she told me this, my response was nothing close to what I would have imagined it would have been and I am sure my response surprised her as well. I once had a complete meltdown - hands over ears, eyes closed, apparently some rocking (according to her anyway) - over having to cut the session 15 minutes short. Understandably, anyone knowing my normal reactions would have assumed that I'd have a meltdown of epic proportions at hearing the news, and yet I stayed calm.
My best guess is that my response - or perhaps my lack of response - was due to a combination of things: 1) the fact that I had planned a clear itinerary of things to discuss during the session, of which I could not deviate from, 2) my emotional and mental state previous to that session was very relaxed, and 3) I naturally shutdown to handle something that I could in no way cope with.
I went numb and carried on with the conversation topics that I had planned. There were no tears, no raised voice, and absolutely no visible signs of being upset in the least. She asked me what I was feeling and my answer was "no feeling" because that is what I felt - nothing. I am still numb.
Have I just skipped having a meltdown and decided to shutdown instead? Nothing feels like real life at this point. Even now, having been home for almost 6 hours, I feel detached from reality, from my routines that keep me safe, and even from myself in a small, odd way.
This seems a bit different than the way I typically experience shutdowns. Usually whenever I am overwhelmed and shutdown, I can hardly do a thing. I typically find myself unable to do much more than stare at a game on my iPad or sit looking at the wall for a long time.
This, what I am experiencing - the ability to carry on in a detached, numb manner, and the lack of all emotions - what is it?
05 Nov 2014, 9:54 pm
