I cannot stop obsessing about whether or not I have it

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I don't know why I can't just let it go until I get the evaluation. I keep asking my mom questions about my childhood, and that usually makes me more frustrated because the answers are often vague, as my mom doesn't remember a lot of the specific things I'm wondering about.

In some ways I wish I was more autistic, just so I could be sure about it, and relate better to other autistic people. I meet most of the diagnostic criteria, at least to some extent. It's not enough for anyone but a professional to make a good judgement about it obviously. But even in general I don't feel like I can relate to most of the little characteristics that the majority of autistic people seem to have. And that irritates me, it makes me feel like I don't really belong here either, which would mean I'm back to belonging nowhere.

That's why I'm afraid of my evaluation too, I feel like the psychologist is going to tell me that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. That sounds like it's a good thing, but considering all the difficulties I've had in my life up to this point, that would mean that I'm once again without any valid explanation for these difficulties, other than being a lazy selfish liar.

And I know people are going to want to say things like, "It's just a label, it doesn't really matter." But it DOES matter. Because if I am autistic, and I'm diagnosed by a professional, it's not just a label, it's a professional opinion. In that case I could be pretty much certain that autism is the explanation for many of my difficulties, especially related to social interaction, which has always been a huge issue for me. But if I'm not diagnosed, then that would put me back where I was before, feeling like I'm simply a freak, a defective human being, with no valid reason as to why I am like this. Feeling totally alone, and having absolutely nobody to talk to and nowhere to go for understanding. I don't want to feel like that again. I don't think I could handle that a second time.

I am almost certain I am worrying about this way too much, but that doesn't seem to calm me down at all. I can't stop thinking about it, all these ideas keep bouncing around in my head all day, and it is seriously driving me crazy

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

I went through the exact same thing for two years before I got my diagnosis. It was hell not knowing for sure. I was having horrible self doubt and I felt like I didn't know who or what I was.

I'm not sure what to say or what advice I could give to help alleviate your obsession over it. For me getting my Dx was a huge relief, but it didn't happen all at once. It took a couple weeks for it to really sink in and to figure out what it actually meant in my life, but just knowing for sure has done a lot for my mental well being.

The best advice I can think of is to find something else that you can put all your focus into to get your mind off it. Even if it's for a little while, it helps.

Hope things go well for you and I hope that you get some answers.

I'm sorry it's so tough for you. I used to be like that as well. During the time I spent researching AS and other things I drove myself crazy (well, not crazy but extremely anxious). I obsessed about it a lot. All the time actually and it's really not that healthy. I had to force myself to stop reading about AS. I even took a long break from WP. Not sure how long it lasted but I didn't go back until a few months before my assessment started. I'm not saying that's what you should do but just know that sometimes it's quite good to distance yourself from the things that make you obsess so badly. It wasn't easy for me but my studies kept me pretty busy so I guess that helped but yeah, sometimes you have to force yourself to stop.

Hopefully it'll get better once your assessment is over. Reading the report the psychologist wrote after my assessment helped me a lot and even though I still worry sometimes, it's getting better and better.

I also know exactly how you feel. I guess I'm still there too. I don't know where I'm at now. I guess I just stopped caring- but that's not true because I still come here.

Are you going to get an evaluation for sure? If so then all you can do is wait.

If you are not for sure getting an evaluation then get one. If you can afford it and the closure is worth the x amount of dollars then get one. You either do or you don't have AS. Uncertainty sucks. If you do, then you know and you can deal with your 'symptoms' better. If you don't then you can move on... it might even be better that way because your self image might hold you back. I guess accuracy is the paramount factor.

I am getting an evaluation, I already had my first appointment and I have 3 more appointments. December 22nd, 29th, and then sometime in January to discuss the results. I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do until then. I try to distract myself, and sometimes it works. Others (like now) it's the only thing I can think about

Well don't worry too much...lol due to my obsessive thought process I have been thinking various things. Maybe I don't even have autism and am just a weird hipster. lol couldn't help that as I have looked at some 'parody' s**t and well I do like vinyls, sweaters and beanies, apparently that is all it takes so I am put in that category...my obsession with vinyls and cassette tapes does not help deter this impression in the least. well whatever I didn't know vinyls, cigarettes and weird clothing was a trend meow.

I felt the exact same way you did before getting my results. I came close to having a panic attack the afternoon I was meant to go in and discuss them. The whole time I was trying to imagine what I'd do if I found out I wasn't on the spectrum, and it was terrifying. I went through a similar thought process as you as well, thinking that a negative result would mean there was no good reason for all the problems I'd had with people my whole life, and that I was just crazy or a failure.

I also understand what you mean when you say you wish you were more autistic. I frequently wish that too, just so that others could see it and understand off the bat why I was different, instead of wondering why I do that weird thing with my hands, or why I never look at anybody's face, or why I just said that incredibly awkward thing. It would just make explaining it to people so much easier.

I agree that a label does matter; it puts your life into perspective, and allows you to group the million and one little things that went wrong or seemed different under the single heading "autistic" which greatly simplifies things.

All I can say is do your best to imagine a positive result, and in the meantime, hard as it seems, try to find a distraction that should cut down on the incessant worrying. Do you have a special interest right now that's not AS related? You could try directing more attention toward that.

Do you have sensitivity issues? Do you get visibly angry at loud noises ? do certain smells make you want to run away? Is your sense of touch so sensitive that your always squirming and cant stay still comfortably? Is visual stimulation so distracting in public that you often cant concentrate on tasks? Are you picky about food textures or combinations? Sensitivity issues are the least ambiguous of symtoms and its hard to second guess your senses. Sensory Issues are very common in autism especially hyper sensitivity.

hey, I felt exactly the same, I spent 2 years with the same thoughts as you, exactly the same, I went through stages of do it have it do I not, I was driving my parents insane asking questions as well.

I was literally diagnosed 2 days ago, I was very stressed leading up to the report but it all turned out fine, judging the thought process you are going through I would presume you will end up with the same answer as me, just try not to think about it, make sure you do get a professional diagnosis though because I feel much better since I know for certain

I have gone through the same thing, the most strangest thing about all this for me is how when I enter a forum to read an article it's like reading my stars from mystic meg. So really a diagnosis of my self is smacking me in the face every day. Where it affects my work and relationships affect me the most but it's been one hell of an eye opener.

Have you read "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Dr. Tony Attwood?

If not, read it. From this book you'll just KNOW whether you have it or not even before discussing it with a professional. Either you personify what's between those pages, or you don't. I highly recommend reading it as it could put your mind at ease while you wait for an appointment. Further, you'll likely learn a lot. It's available on amazon for around $14, and can also be found online as a downloadable pdf ebook if you do a quick google search for a torrent.

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