People treating you badly then accusing you of overreacting

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A double standard has developed in my house, and it reached an extreme today. The double standard -- any time my housemates express anger or are disrespectful toward me and I bring it up to my husband, he always tells me that I must have misworded or wrongly intoned something I said to them... but then when they intentionally try to push my buttons, he excuses them by saying they have a lot going on, so it's okay for them to take it out on me, and I'm just overreacting. Today, a housemate interrupted a conversation I was having to tell me, "No offense, but..." followed by something very offensive. When I tried to turn the discussion elsewhere, he wouldn't let me -- like I had to agree with his bigotry before we could drop it. Then, when I finally showed just a little annoyance, he just blew up all of a sudden and yelled at me that I wasn't "agreeing to disagree" in the right way (he wanted me to tell him that his "opinion" had merit when I didn't believe it did), and proceeded to threaten physical violence. What did my husband say to me when I told him about it, crying and scared? He told me that I must have provoked him and that I was overreacting.
How is it fair for me to have to be so careful about everything I say because I might unintentionally offend someone, but others can knowingly say offensive things to me? Even my own husband doesn't really seem to have my back... I don't think we're going to make it...

If I had a nickel for every time...

Adding to the fray; I get told almost daily about insanity= expecting different results from the same actions yet whether I answer them in a nice way, smartass or anything between I get the same vitriolic attitude . Maybe the different results hoped for are for one's words to be accepted as having the weight they should have. Certain relationships are like a bad pair of shoes but if I were to completely isolate myself I could easily end up barefoot and freezing

I had this problem with a girl at school. She was always so horrible to me and acted like she hated me just because I had an ASD. She made most of my school life isolating, and I think if it wasn't for her I would have had a better school life socially.
I felt so upset that one day I told my brother about how she was making me feel. He decided to have a talk with her, to tell her to be nicer to me and everything.
Oh dear. That just made her hate me even more, and kept on making me feel guilty for telling my brother. She kept telling me that I spoilt her whole summer because of getting my brother on to her before the summer break. I wish I had of said "yes well you've spoilt my whole school life because of your ignorance and unpleasantness towards me, so what do you expect?"

Some people can be so selfish. Thank God there are nice NTs out there too.

First off, if your roommate is threatening to use physical violence against you, that's where you need to draw the line. Next time it happens, call the police. PERIOD! Also, perhaps you could try recording some of the stuff that your roommate is saying to you, then you can playback the recording to your husband and show him what your roomie is saying to you.

I am concerned about your safety in the house if people are threatening you with physical violence. Do you feel safe? Is there somewhere you can go temporarily? (Yes, I might be overreacting, but I"m not sure I am)

Over-reacting or not, someone threatening your life is a serious matter. Now is it your actual room-mates or your husband threatening you? I get that you're saying it's your roommates, but sometimes we protect the people we love to keep them out of trouble or not to make more trouble. Regardless of who is threatening you, you need to act - ignoring it, or letting it slide will only give them the idea that they can continue with this kind of abuse.

I don't know what it is, but we seem to attract these kind of people into our lives, at least once - at least in my experience. I would have once said that we keep them in our lives because we can see that they are good people and that they have problems, and that we love them, and hey maybe they can change - and while I feel that to be true, deep down I am afraid of leaving - afraid of change - afraid that I can't make it without this person who treats me badly - mostly because of what they've been putting in my head for the past 8 years. That I'm a ret*d and I can't do anything right... kind of hard not to believe it when you are being told that at least once a day.

Anyway, perhaps if you can muster up the courage to protect yourself, you'll give us other aspies the courage to do the same.

My husband has informed me that the men in this house routinely threaten violence to "win" their arguments, and then tried to tell me that that is normal behavior... against his wishes ("don't air our dirty laundry," "they don't understand the situation," etc.), I have asked lots of other friends about this, and it has become quite clear to me that I am living with sociopaths...

My husband actually can't rap his head around why, "friend" or not, I would feel threatened by a much larger, much stronger man when he has threatened to use physical violence to make me validate his offensive "opinion."

My husband also told me that the reason our "friends" get angry at me so much during what should be normal discussions (the discussion that led to this event, for instance, was about a hypothetical situation in which I would write a letter to my teenage self) is that they think I'm being a know-it-all because I often use "big words"... if my "friends" are going to take offense and want to hurt me because I'm using a few big words, they need way more help than I do, and it's pretty hard to consider them friends if they anger toward me over such non-issues (especially since I tend to gloss -- reword using a less big word or words to define -- the big words that I do use because I realize that not everyone has the exact same vocabulary).

I'm coming to understand what people mean when they get divorced over "irreconcilable differences," which can seem like such a petty reason out of context...

How to invalidate people 101: trivialise, discount and attack their perceptions, thoughts, experience. This will communicate the mindf..k that they are invalid people with invalid perceptions, and is a tactic used by cowards who if they were bolder, would be overt bullies... Sometimes I think that the repetitive invalidation does more damage to people than the overt bullies.

I've had a number of manipulative bosses over the years who treated me with disdain and then jump on me whenever I try and assert myself.

The trick with not over-reacting is to maintain your composure and resist the urge to "react". Dr Spock is ironically a good role model in these instances.
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Yes

First-of-all----and, I really HATE saying this----you gotta STOP acting like a know-it-all. You gotta "dumb-down" your speech, and not use such big words----like YOU said, "not everyone has the same vocabulary". I know, I know..... Why should WE have to work to make OTHERS feel better about themselves? Short answer: Because that's just what one has to do, to get-along in this life. Talk like you want, here, for instance, where people will understand your vocabulary----but, don't speak matter-of-factly (NOT that you have), cuz NOBODY likes that.

Secondly, I take it that you were trying to point-out that what this housemate was saying was, maybe, illogical, or something? (I mean, besides the vulgar part, that he said.) Again, people don't want to hear that they're wrong, because that makes them feel stupid. I know, I know..... I'll never understand why someone wouldn't want to know, for instance, the proper pronunciation of a word----but, people just don't want to be told----or, told what to do, or whatever. I'm thinking, maybe, we ASDers put so much effort into knowing / learning everything----and then, exclaiming it, because we, ourselves, feel stupid, or "less than", and we're trying to say: "See, I know something"----meaning: "I'm not an idiot ALL-the-time"----BUT, by doing-so, we're making other people feel like idiots----and, NO ONE wants THAT.

Thirdly, I suggest not EVER telling ANYONE you're an ASDer----except, maybe, family. The bottom line is, once you do, EVERYTHING will be YOUR FAULT, because having a "condition" makes you appear "weak", to the ignorant, and makes you fodder, as well, cuz you're not "normal".

Fourthly, I'm saddened by your husband's lack of support----BUT, if these guys are his buddies, he's not gonna go against them cuz then he may not have them, for buddies, anymore----NOT fair, but that's too often the way, it is. Maybe, if you could tell your husband that you understand that he can't support you in front of his friends, but if he could show support, for you, PRIVATELY, that would be a BIG help. I, myself, wouldn't put-up with him, but I hate to see a divorce. Didn't you see this side of him, before you married him?

Lastly, it sounds like your housemate is just using threats of bodily harm to intimidate you, to get you to shut-up----BUT, I would be uncomfortable, TOO, to say the least. The only thing I can think-of, is that YOU have got to change YOUR ways----as this housemate is definitely not going to admit HE'S wrong, and if you don't have anywhere, else, to go, I don't see any other way, of keeping the peace. It's going to be very uncomfortable, and repressive, though.

Unfortunately, most of the "big words" that I use don't seem big to me when I'm using them -- it's just the way the sentence forms in my head. My mom taught me a lot of big words as a child, so I've been using them my whole life. I'm not being a know-it-all... it's just how I think.

I don't often correct people on spelling and grammar (unless they're asking or I know they'd want to know) -- he actually interrupted me to tell me "I don't agree with GEDs" and "people with GEDs shouldn't be allowed to get jobs or go to college" after I was telling my other friend that if I could write a letter to teenage me I'd tell me to drop out, get my GED, and go early to college since high school was a nightmare for me. And he wouldn't let me move on because he wanted me to validate his opinion or something -- lie to him and tell him his opinion made sense to me and wasn't totally offensive considering the context (besides the personal affront, my husband also has his GED).

Unfortunately, I had to tell them I have ASD... otherwise, they'd hate me even more. I was lucky I was home alone today when I watched Family Guy -- today's episode about "stupid people" would have been really awkward. One of my housemates actually does that whole "Do you think you're better than me?" thing... it's like high school all over again. The messed up thing is that I don't believe that being "smart" makes anyone better than anyone else since there are lots of different types of intelligence, and anyway I consider everyone to be of equal value (or, more accurately, of unquantifiable value).

I've started doing what I used to do in high school... just clamming up any time they start to have a discussion about anything. It sucks because they were supposed to be my friends... it's hard living in a house where I can't let my guard down, though. I have anxiety as it is, so it's not too healthy for me. And, no, there were no warning signs from my husband... I didn't even know about ASD when I met him, and he's changed toward me since we both learned about it. He expects a lot more from me now, it seems, than before... and any time I try to get his advice about a problem I'm having understanding something, he tells me, "You've got problems" with this snide tone and isn't helpful at all.

At this point you need to give him an ultimatum. He either has to choose you or choose his friends. You are his family, they are not, it is that simple. Hopefully he chooses you. He may say he chose you but by action show he really chose them. If by words or deed he chooses them he has broken his sacred wedding vows “in sickness and in health” that he made to you and you have every right to walk out of that marriage.

Whatever you chose I wish the best because you are a person who DESERVES to be treated with DIGNETY and RESPECT.

Google "Invalidation" "Being invalidated" "How to deal with people who invalidate you" - there are some useful websites which deal with what you are experiencing. It's very bad for your emotional well-being, and if you are consistently being dumped on and invalidated then the dynamics in this household are toxic, and you need to leave as soon as you can - your husband is unable to hear you or doesn't want to, there are several issues here, though relocating may be the most important thing to do as this stage.

OP beware of the husband
I experienced that too, ex,neighbors bullying me, but when reporting that to my husband he got angry at me, saying it would be my fault, for telling him, if he would harm anybody because of what I said

It's their fear and low self-esteem and jealousy that needs to put you down, and it will never be enough.

I'm sorry, but the advice that the OP has got to change is the worst advice I have ever seen on this site. What she needs to do is MOVE OUT OF THERE. There are many, many places where people are respected for their intelligence and allowed to speak freely, and her household is not one of them. The husband telling her not to "air the dirty laundry" is exactly what an abuser would say to try to hide what he KNOWS is an unacceptable situation.