It's official and he's not happy about it

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His mom sounds like a collossal beyotch, sort of like my hubby's mom.

(He hasn't disclosed his suspicions of ASD, and he has no intention to when he gets diagnosed).

Just show him as much love and affection as you can, tell him you'll support him no matter what. And if his friends don't support him, they're a**holes.

So what does he do now?

I've heard that even high ranking elderly monks work outside--so I looked it up with a Google search

http://www.assumptionabbey.com/page102.html

One of my hobbies is gardening--I've quite good at it.

Looking back, I think I am much more adaptable these days than when I was a kid who didn't know I was "different."

The big difference is that I'm now used to the concept of long term investing.

He's doing alright though this weekend. No shenanigans...thank goodness. His mother was trying to get him to go to her cottage- she has done this before when he was in a bad place, she gets him to come down and then she plays games like telling him he's not allowed to go outside and then yelling at him for being so pathetic and not going outside (just utterly ridiculous stuff). Anyway, he said NO! So that was a very good moment this weekend. He knows about wrongplanet but he has an aversion to the internet in general...so at the moment he is not joining, but it's not personal against you guys.

Yes, I think he definitely needs more to do. He runs, reads (a lot), writes, and he volunteers at the library for a few hours a week. He expresses that he feels "useless" and like he's not doing anything productive because while he has stuff he can do, it doesn't effect anybody else and he wants to "make a difference" somehow. He's applied for a tonne of jobs to no avail.

One of the things that he wants to do is homeschool our kids. We both feel that school is failing our kids right now (we can't afford private) and I would love to take them out of school too. There's a lot of stuff to weigh here so it's nowhere near decided, but that is something that's on the table, and it would certainly give him something to do!

Monster in law.

He should acquire his books because they are his. You should try to comfort him. Read up on it. Tom Woods Complete Guide to AS explains that AS is not a horrible debilitating disease very well. Maybe if he (and you) read it it would help him?

Sounds to me like the real problem is his mother, not his diagnosis. He might want to try reading the book Toxic Parents. Therapy probably wouldn't hurt either, both for his diagnosis and for his family issues. Also, if his concern is about how people will treat his diagnosis, perhaps remind him that he doesn't have to tell anyone about his diagnosis that he doesn't want to.

Homeschooling sounds like a great idea, if he has the aptitude for it.

Is he doing any instruction now? I'd assume he would want to start off with subjects he is already good at before trying to tacking more difficult ones.

Yes, I think he would be very good at it. He does currently work with them on homework and some ideas that he has had. At the moment, neither of our kids is doing anything above a preschool level at school, so he's an old pro at everything they get from school - matching the lower case letters to the uppercase letters, circling all the words that start with B...
He wants to do more of an interest-based and hands-on curriculum, which would require research and trial-and-error, but he seems motivated to do it. I would be concerned if my kids were university-bound because we don't have a chemistry lab and he's not that great at calculus, etc., but as it is, our kids are extremely behind and the goal is really more learning for the sake of learning, than it is to get them into university (although maybe some day they will go, they're so behind, it's obviously not going to be at the typical age).

^^^
THIS

I do relate a bit about finding out my coping was not as good as I thought it was. I was first verbally diagnosed as Asperger's and that was in my mind the "high/mild" side of the spectrum. I had a very positive reaction it, explained things etc. My diagnostic report came in as moderate severe Aspergers, my brother told me a cousin years ago said to him he thought I was an Aspie, and my mom admitted to me that my elementary school threw me out after 2nd grade. While probably still the "mild" 1/2 of the spectrum I now realize I am not close to the mildest end. It was a bit humbling to realize that, but I know it was absolutely need to know. It does not take away the overall positivity of the diagnosis for me.

I hope someday your husband can find acceptance because it is better he found out now before he became a financial drain on his family or has a serious breakdown.

Good news regarding the books. His dad is sending them! (We live too far away to drive and pick them up). Three cheers for his father having dementia and forgetting that these were supposed to be burned. (By the way, if you ever find yourself cheering for dementia, you can officially say that your family is dysfunctional).

I hope he can find acceptance too, but that bad stuff already happened. I wish this diagnosis had happened before but I don't think it could have because he's one of those dumb people who goes "oh no I'm fine, fine I tell ya, just fine..." until he's standing on the edge of the cliff about to jump... It appears to other people that he goes from 0 to 100, but that's actually not true- he goes from 0 to 1, 2, 3, all the way to 100 but he suppresses reactions until 100. He had one nervous breakdown or whatever 2 years ago (really the only thing that would have made it worse is if he had successfully killed himself), but on a smaller scale, how he "copes" is by pretending everything is fine until he can't pretend anymore. If we spend 2 hours at the mall for some reason, he will be "fine" the whole time, but then when he's alone when he gets back from the mall, there will be some tiny thing, like he can't find his mittens after 1 second of looking and he'll completely flip out. It's not about not being to find his mittens, it's an accumulation of stress that he hasn't dealt with. That's obviously not a good way to cope.

Does anybody know what to do about that?

I'm glad your father is sending your husband's books to him. The biggest mistake that a parent can make is take away or burn things that mean a lot to their autistic offspring. It sounds like the monster-in-law needs to calm down.

I realize this is off topic but I just thought I would insert my opinion, Since when is "not telling anybody" lying? I did not find it difficult at all. When I first got my diagnosis I only told my father. He told me it would be best if I did not tell anyone. He was right, I did not talk about to anyone for over 15 yrs. Now that I have told my mother and what seems like the entire world it feels like I'm more isolated and people avoid me.

"Just DON'T tell ANYBODY"----but, that's near-impossible for an Aspie, cuz it's just as good as lying.